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Back at it AGAIN

I should be here laying next to boyfriend, but I’m not

He’s skitzing in the spare room

This social distancing and isolation have brought him back to the dark place he didn’t want to be in

I was frightened of the pandemic

I’m running out of money

I’m tired of scanning social media trying to find something to hold on to and believe in

When I have someone here who could hold me

The tears WILL NOT come

I so want them

Something to cleanse my aching soul and mind

So, I sit here numb

I can’t afford to leave, and it feels like too much on my heart and mind to stay

My boyfriend just got released from state jail in November 2019 with hopes of immediately finding work. He had one year sober until he kept getting rejected or just missing getting hired for work. I knew he was down but it's like he just gave up trying. I feel really lonely and I can't talk to my family because they forget their pasts and become overly judgmental. I can't talk to his mom because she babies him and he is 50 years old. This virus has me worried about my children and grandchild and he is just focused on his self. I want to go to a hotel but honestly I cannot afraid it. I just wanted to tell someone how I felt before I implode. I really need a hug and I wish someone was here to tell me it would be okay.

1 reply

replying to YZeal15

My ex partner (we still live together as we are selling our property after I said I was leaving him) he is in the other room as I’m typing this, using cocaine. While our 2 year old son is asleep. It’s Mother’s Day today and all I have done all day is cry. He denied taking it but his whole face changes and the way he acts changes when he does it, having been together for 10 years I know the signs. I just feel numb now and I’m the same as you, I feel like I’ve cried so much that I have no more left. I also don’t want to wake up my son and for him to see his dad like this. I’ve shut myself in the bedroom. My family doesn’t understand or they become judgemental, he is still the father of my child and I still protect him even though he causes me so much pain. He’s been an addict for 16 years now and only stopped for 6 months at the beginning of our relationship. My ex’s mum knows that he has had an addiction and has turned a blind eye, she has the mentality of what she doesn’t see doesn’t hurt her. I’m sending hugs because I really need one too!

replying to FRH92

You can have as many air hugs as you can stand :) You don't know how much I appreciate you replying back to me. I've tried these chats before and no one replies. I feel you pain and I know that people say that misery loves company but I don't know you but I love that you shared your story and are still trying. Still pushing forward. Know that you are not alone! You can talk to me whenever you want. About whatever you want. I didn't think anyone would respond so I just checked my post for replies since I cannot fall asleep. Are you under quarantine or just social distancing? I know that can be hard. Let me know how you and your son are doing?

1 reply

replying to YZeal15

Thank you :) and the same goes with you! I'm Always here on the other end, no matter how far apart we might be!

You can properly understand that this is not even the half of it! There are so many things he has done to me in the past and still doing now. I've started writing everything down, just so that I know i'm not going crazy! and so i know what he is doing is wrong, it does help me to deal with it. I do understand we still have to live together. My mum always says to be "all things in the great fullness of time" i just what that time to be now!

I'm having to quarantine now, the ex is still going to work. He works in a factory and they haven't shut it down. My dad has bad lungs so i need to stay away from him. My mum is a nurse but she got sent home today because she had a high temperature. My mum called me up today to say that she was sorry that she couldn't see me and that I couldn't go over to see them, they only live 2 minute walk away! but i completely understand that of course i need to stay away. it just i'm stuck here now having to deal with him and watch everything unfold! What about you? are you Quarantining?

My son is good i'm just running out of things to do with him! i tried to make cookies today but I failed miserably and burnt them all, still ate them though lol. You mentioned that you have kids? I'm guessing they are all grown up now because you mentioned grandchildren? How are things at the home for you now? Are you coping ok?

I don't know about you but i'm finding it so difficult to sleep at the moment with everything going on top of having to deal with this home life! xxx

1 reply

replying to YZeal15

Thinking of you both. I'm sorry this world gets crazier by the day.

Neither of you are alone. Sending strength and hugs through the airwaves.

replying to AJlost

Thank you for the hugs. It helps so much to know other's care for about the situation I am in and their are people who care.

replying to FRH92

Hi, we could probably write a book all the stuff that has happened and maybe get a movie deal. I honestly can say he has never raised a hand to me or yelled at me in an intimidating manner. From the outside it looks like he relapsed because he hasn't been able to find a job as easily as he thought, but I feel it is just a comfort mechanism and he just wants to feel numb. Yep, it still upsets me because he has proven for years that he can deal with life without it. Your mom has great advice and when you are able to be free of him I hope you feel a sense of peace in your soul.

You are not crazy! Do not think that for a moment. I went to counseling before with my ex-husband who was an alcoholic ( I sure can pick'em :) and I was telling her that I thought the problem was me and that I thought I was crazy for everything that was happening to me. She put her notepad down and told she had went through a similar situation and that is what they want us to believe. She was awesome!

After reading your response I felt i was not alone for the first time in a long while and i set up last night thinking about it and you know what? I cannot be responsible for his actions. Those are his individual choices and I have to stick to my goals so his problems do not derail my progress. I realized that this is a process that i cycle through with him. So I know I need to stop. Normally I come to reality when my finances are threatened because I live off of my retirement and university money I receive each semester, so his addiction is really making me mad. Luckily he was gone most of the day because his friend hired him to replace the flooring at their restaurant.

I'm so sorry your mom is sick. I know that is scary especially when you seem very close to them.

No we are not under quarantine yet our president is talking about getting everyone back to work by Easter. Most people in my small city are practicing social distancing. I've only been to Wal-Mart, the gas station and the closets Dollar Store. I'm normally an introvert and I do not mind being at home when everything is peaceful. All the restaurants shut down except for the drive through and curb side pick-up. Every business that can has people working from home. One of my friends went to the chiropractor and he did her session outside since the high for today was around 90 degrees. It is nice to not have all the normal traffic. I see posts on facebook saying mother nature is reclaiming her planet and it seems like it. There is a bird that sings all night and we say coyotes just wandering down the street yesterday afternoon.

LOL, sorry about your cookies. I burn stuff all the time and everyone calls it cajun food. I am sure you guys had fun making them. I have a 17 year old son and a 21 year old daughter. Her son is only 1 and feisty. He is always so excited to see me it warms my heart. I am only 43 but I look much younger and people always think he is mine.

I am coping okay. It feels good to know I have people who understand and that I can talk to. You know as women, people expect us to take care of and remember everything and with him on my mind too I felt like I would burst. I'm in my room watching The Amazing World of Gumball. It is silly but I like it. Anything to make myself smile. I've been in here most of the day catching up on my Communication Ethics class and knocking out some other readings for my classes I was behind on because on-line classes begin on March 30th.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I replied back to you at 1:30am my time. I normally stay up until 11ish. It is scary. I listened to a video that had Dr. Brilliant (I think that is how you spell his name) he worked on the cure for polio and he is blunt about the facts but tells us what to expect. I have hand sanitizer every where. I was going to make my own but most of the medical supplies were wiped out by the time I got to the store. I make sure to rub the baby down as soon as he comes in and I make sure to spray his baby saline solution into his nose everyday. I worry about him because he had respiratory infections constantly.

I hope you get some rest tonight!

2 replies

replying to YZeal15

I know right!! I have written a blog about it all and my story, I didn't know if I would publish it or if anyone would read it! so I just have it saved on my laptop. My sisters have read it and says that its good but I need to cut in into parts as it is so long!! I was writing about my story, how it all starting and how I am coping with the addiction now and coping being a single parent. If i do end up posting it, I will post it under a different name as still a lot of friends/family friends have no idea what I have been through or what has happened to me. I also feel like they will judge me for it, I live in a small village and word gets around very quickly. I don't want bloody Janet from 2 doors down asking me how often he does it or "she had an idea that he was a druggy!" F&*K Off Janet!! I can't stand that! lol. But i do feel that writing about it all has helped me deal with it all.

I wish I could say the same about the hand raising and the intimidation, but unfortunately i have experienced it all. but then again i have retaliated at times as its got too much. The other morning, he drove my company car to go and pick up his sister who is also a cocaine addict as she though that people were following her, when she was in a hotel room alone. He had been drinking all night and got through about 4 grams of coke. he couldn't even talk he was so paranoid. But i woke up and my car was gone, i was nearly sick as i knew it was him that took it and i was so scared. (He has previously got caught for drink driving when i was pregnant when he was on his way to pick up, he wrote off his car completely and owes the finance company an eye watering amount of money.) i was scared that he would crash the car again as the car wasn't mine or he would seriously hurt someone and he wasn't insured. Thankfully he cruised up while i was waiting outside like nothing had happened at 7 am in the morning!! he said it was an emergency, his sister was just paranoid as she had been doing drugs all night too. I did slap him round the face for it as he got out of the car. I'm not proud of doing that whatsoever, I was so angry and the words couldn't explain how worried for him/other people/ the company car that i couldn't explain! so writing about it has helped me figure out what i was feeling and how to deal with it the next time something like that will happen and i wont result into violence towards him, i don't want his addiction to overtake my voice of reason. Safe to say i now sleep with my keys under my pillow, and the spare is locked up in a safe at my parents house.

I'm a little worried about going into another relationship as I have been with him for 10 years and I've just turned 28. He is all that I've know and I don't want to even think about another relationship. I was joking with my sisters and said to them that when I am ready, I'm going to try and find the most boring person out there! but then again I just have this feeling that I won't ever find anyone and I hate that feeling. or that no one will touch me because of what i have been through is so intimidating.

Wow I can't believe you guys aren't in quarantine yet! Everywhere is shut apart from the supermarkets and there have been queues to get into them that are 30 minutes long at my local supermarket, they have been doing a 10 people out 10 people in process, its like a nightclub! but it does mean that there are hardly anyone in the aisles while you are walking around. I have seen photos of the superstores in the cities and the crowds of people swarming to them is unbelievable, it just completely defeats the point of social distancing all common sense goes out the window. They are packed up queuing like sardines! The flat i live in has a communal garden and its about 54 degrees here in England at the moment so that is T-shirt and shorts weather for me! i'm going to sit outside with the little one and do some painting. All the people who live in my flat are old so they never go out into the garden anyway, i will be the only one!

Yup cookies were a disaster, i think i might move onto cupcakes next, fingers crossed! Do your children still live with you or have they moved out? when we eventually sell the flat i'm going to be moving back in with the parents! so that will be interesting! My son absolutely adores my dad and calls him Dad-dad as he cant say granddad and sits with him. To be honest it will feel like i'm getting some much needed R&R while i am there! But they have said to be it will only be a year, until i get back on my feet.

That's really good that you are doing something for yourself! I need to do that too. I was told by my boss the other day that he doesn't know if he can keep my position open because of Covid -19 there isn't work for me to do! so i was thinking about when i move back into my parents if i can go back to school and do something like nursing or therapy.

I know i feel the same too, i have no idea that this forum existed until last week when my sister mentioned it to me. I would speak to her about the problems that i would have with my ex and shes a mental health nurse so she obviously has a lot of knowledge about it, but it would become too much and her opinion would sometimes get in the way of the professional help and she said i was best to go onto here and talk about it as she didn't want it to get in the way of our relationship we have. I'm so happy to hear that you are coping OK, i hope it lasts for you. My ex has been working so he hasn't touched it for around 2 days so i'm thinking that there is a session around the corner. He got paid today, so i might be on here later when I lock myself in my room again!

There is no hand sanitizer around anywhere, i have been to so many shops and when i get there its all sold out! i had managed to buy hand soap for the first time in 2 weeks the other day! so i'm just having to wash my hands and the little ones constantly.

didn't sleep much last night, had the little one in with me as i think he had a nightmare! fingers crossed for a good sleep tonight, might even have a quick power nap while the little one is having his afternoon nap! so tired!

Speak soon xx

replying to YZeal15


I hope you had fun outside. It was 78 degrees here and I mowed the yard and played with the baby outside most of the day.

I thought about writing a blog but i chickened out. You should publicize it. It was so hard to find someone to talk too and I'm sure if we feel this way tons of others do too especially now that the COVID-19 is out and people are forced to stay at home instead of having the daily escape of being at work or school. Maybe it'll become so famous you can make a movie out of it and become a millionaire like J.K. Rowling. :) #F&*KJanet!

Oh, my gosh. I probably would have done more to him than you did. My ex was physically and verbally abuse when he drank. I would say mildly abusive but I don't know if that is even a thing because I did not end up with black eyes, bruises or anything broken. I had a really high bed (the kind you need a foot stool to get on to) and he'd come home and decide he wanted to talk to me and snatch the covers off the bed and grab me by one of my ankles and drag me off the bed down the hallway, waking me up and scaring the shit out of me. My mom always said you will know when you have had enough and no matter how much people try to give you advise, you will know when it is time to let that person go. One night he came home, drunk of course, and tried to grab me by the leg. He is this 6'4 dude and I am a foot shorter. As soon as he snatched off the cover, I shot up out the bed, jumped down and slammed his head into the door hinges of the closet. He was so stunned, he just looked at me with blood running down his nose and left the room. I slept so good that night. I wasn't scared or anything. The next day we went to his families barbecue and his cousins wife laughed in his face the whole time. I loved it. Needless to say he never touched me again.

My daughter and grandson live with me. My boyfriend does not have any children. My son wanted to be with his dad so he moved in with him at his grandmothers house. He is only a few minutes away and I talk too or see him all the time, so it works. My son is sad about school. It is his senior year and he is boomed that he may not walk at graduation because of the virus. Keeping my fingers crossed that he will have that chance. I am happy you have the secure base of your mom and dad to rely on. Sounds like you have a very good support system. I have a really good friend that I can always count on and she normally understands everything without judgement but she worries about everything so much she make her blood pressure rise. I tell her some stuff but I don't want her to worry too much. Going back to school while staying with them is a great idea. If you do start good luck and it does not matter how long it takes as long as you finish.

Your sister sounds amazing. The fact that she just did not leave you hanging but made sure you found something to help is awesome. I love my sisters but I don't know if they would be that helpful and one has a degree in Sociology and Psychology but she is selfish in a lot of aspects. I love her but she tests me sometimes.

I'm happy you had a few days of peace. Are you okay today? Did you get any sleep?

replying to FRH92

Oops, sorry I posted to myself on accident. LOL

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