I know right!! I have written a blog about it all and my story, I didn't know if I would publish it or if anyone would read it! so I just have it saved on my laptop. My sisters have read it and says that its good but I need to cut in into parts as it is so long!! I was writing about my story, how it all starting and how I am coping with the addiction now and coping being a single parent. If i do end up posting it, I will post it under a different name as still a lot of friends/family friends have no idea what I have been through or what has happened to me. I also feel like they will judge me for it, I live in a small village and word gets around very quickly. I don't want bloody Janet from 2 doors down asking me how often he does it or "she had an idea that he was a druggy!" F&*K Off Janet!! I can't stand that! lol. But i do feel that writing about it all has helped me deal with it all.
I wish I could say the same about the hand raising and the intimidation, but unfortunately i have experienced it all. but then again i have retaliated at times as its got too much. The other morning, he drove my company car to go and pick up his sister who is also a cocaine addict as she though that people were following her, when she was in a hotel room alone. He had been drinking all night and got through about 4 grams of coke. he couldn't even talk he was so paranoid. But i woke up and my car was gone, i was nearly sick as i knew it was him that took it and i was so scared. (He has previously got caught for drink driving when i was pregnant when he was on his way to pick up, he wrote off his car completely and owes the finance company an eye watering amount of money.) i was scared that he would crash the car again as the car wasn't mine or he would seriously hurt someone and he wasn't insured. Thankfully he cruised up while i was waiting outside like nothing had happened at 7 am in the morning!! he said it was an emergency, his sister was just paranoid as she had been doing drugs all night too. I did slap him round the face for it as he got out of the car. I'm not proud of doing that whatsoever, I was so angry and the words couldn't explain how worried for him/other people/ the company car that i couldn't explain! so writing about it has helped me figure out what i was feeling and how to deal with it the next time something like that will happen and i wont result into violence towards him, i don't want his addiction to overtake my voice of reason. Safe to say i now sleep with my keys under my pillow, and the spare is locked up in a safe at my parents house.
I'm a little worried about going into another relationship as I have been with him for 10 years and I've just turned 28. He is all that I've know and I don't want to even think about another relationship. I was joking with my sisters and said to them that when I am ready, I'm going to try and find the most boring person out there! but then again I just have this feeling that I won't ever find anyone and I hate that feeling. or that no one will touch me because of what i have been through is so intimidating.
Wow I can't believe you guys aren't in quarantine yet! Everywhere is shut apart from the supermarkets and there have been queues to get into them that are 30 minutes long at my local supermarket, they have been doing a 10 people out 10 people in process, its like a nightclub! but it does mean that there are hardly anyone in the aisles while you are walking around. I have seen photos of the superstores in the cities and the crowds of people swarming to them is unbelievable, it just completely defeats the point of social distancing all common sense goes out the window. They are packed up queuing like sardines! The flat i live in has a communal garden and its about 54 degrees here in England at the moment so that is T-shirt and shorts weather for me! i'm going to sit outside with the little one and do some painting. All the people who live in my flat are old so they never go out into the garden anyway, i will be the only one!
Yup cookies were a disaster, i think i might move onto cupcakes next, fingers crossed! Do your children still live with you or have they moved out? when we eventually sell the flat i'm going to be moving back in with the parents! so that will be interesting! My son absolutely adores my dad and calls him Dad-dad as he cant say granddad and sits with him. To be honest it will feel like i'm getting some much needed R&R while i am there! But they have said to be it will only be a year, until i get back on my feet.
That's really good that you are doing something for yourself! I need to do that too. I was told by my boss the other day that he doesn't know if he can keep my position open because of Covid -19 there isn't work for me to do! so i was thinking about when i move back into my parents if i can go back to school and do something like nursing or therapy.
I know i feel the same too, i have no idea that this forum existed until last week when my sister mentioned it to me. I would speak to her about the problems that i would have with my ex and shes a mental health nurse so she obviously has a lot of knowledge about it, but it would become too much and her opinion would sometimes get in the way of the professional help and she said i was best to go onto here and talk about it as she didn't want it to get in the way of our relationship we have. I'm so happy to hear that you are coping OK, i hope it lasts for you. My ex has been working so he hasn't touched it for around 2 days so i'm thinking that there is a session around the corner. He got paid today, so i might be on here later when I lock myself in my room again!
There is no hand sanitizer around anywhere, i have been to so many shops and when i get there its all sold out! i had managed to buy hand soap for the first time in 2 weeks the other day! so i'm just having to wash my hands and the little ones constantly.
didn't sleep much last night, had the little one in with me as i think he had a nightmare! fingers crossed for a good sleep tonight, might even have a quick power nap while the little one is having his afternoon nap! so tired!
Speak soon xx