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Can't cope anymore......

I have been with my husband for nearly 11 years. At the beginning he was the most caring kind attentive partner I've had. He really had me on a pedistool. The first time I can remember him taking cocaine was at the beginning but was at a party and didn't really seem a big deal although I don't touch it myself. I fell pregnant with our first child together after 1year and that's probably when it started happening out of the blue. So much has happened I would be here for weeks writing about it. But the amount of times he has let me down I really can't take anymore. He hallucinates, he looks ugly when he takes it and acts weird, he lies, spends our family money and leaves me until his binge is over with nothing. He has done this on birthdays and Xmas and has let me down too many times. He was off it for around 2 years, we were to get married as his reward and proving to me he wasn't going to do it again. We had our wedding in the carribean with just close family. A few weeks before the wedding he relapse, begged for forgive and we got married. Since the wedding there has been 2 Christmas day ruined. My birthday and my sons birthday ruined and more debt. His mum passed away in June 19 and he was so close to her. His old mate turned up at the funeral and boom shit got a whole lots worse.

The guy is an alcoholic and is sitting in his work van every day so he can drink vodka without any of his family finding out. He has bought him it and letting him smoke his cigs. Any time I spend money on food or essentials he moans at me. He can snap so quickly to a rage. Over the last last couple of weeks ther has been 2 relapses. 1st one was after I went for a biopsy, which he doesn't care about either, tells me I'm a drama queen and he will worry when he knows there's something to worry about.

He went to work and left me in bed crying in agony as I had inflammation which caused extreme pain and they couldn't complete the biopsy. He was to get my prescription from the docs before work, he didn't, he said he would get kids from school and drop in my prescription, he didn't. I had to collect the kids from his daughter and race to get my daughter to drama. I missed the chemist and by this time was in extreme pain. I got home and he was supposed to be at my mums fixing her sink as it was blocked. He had cancelled 3 days in a row. I walked in bedromm and there he was out his face in bed. I just lost it. I hit him with punches and he just cowered. I grabbed his phone to see what he had been upto. He got really mad and pinned me down trying to get it out my hand. He ripped it from my hand catching my hair and ripped a chunk out. He ran out house and was gone for 24hrs. I told my mum, well said he has an alcohol problem as she doesn't understand that world. She txt him saying how disappointed she was as she really does love him. He turned up full of sorry but within a few hours he was saying I'm never gonna allow you to lay your hands on me again. I was the reason he takes it. All I do is moan.

His mood is so all over the place is so hard to live with him.

Mugged off again I told him this was his last chance. He has now started this bitter fued with my mum which I haven't told her about that he saying how fucking dare she get involved. Refused to have her in my house for mothers day. Friday night went to bed everything good, woke up at 4am with him searching me in bed, eyes bulging out his head. He was looking for a secret mobile because he says I'm a cheating cow. By the way I'm a homeworker with 4 kids.

The next morning I got up and started work. He was clearly out of it because he must of stayed up all night. I told him to stay away from kids. I finished for my break and went upstairs he was gone. Said he wanted to gk see his daughter she's 21 and there always been jealousy issues as she is daddys girl, and at Xmas they had a binge together on Xmas day. Totally ruined dinner for everyone I was so embarrassed. So he goes ther and appears at my door early hour Saturday morning. My daughter got up and let him in. So now we are in the same house, one minute he's sorry the next screaming at me like a physco and he gone to work with his pal, which he said he would stop. Oh and I earn double what he does and he's spending all my wages on this shit and covering it up when I know he is lying and making me feel like a physco. I don't even know who I am anymore. I just can't go on

replying to Mummy24

Sorry, you are going through this. It really sounds like you need to figure out how to leave this man. I understand how you feel, his behaviour will make you go psycho. Its becoming dangerous if there is now physical violence.

Cocaine makes them paranoid, mine was the same, accusing me of cheating and hiding men in my house etc. That paranoia can turn to violence too, as he may believe his own delusions so much he could attack you.

If you feel like you can't go on, then you don't have to.

replying to Mummy24

I'm just so weak I can't bare when he crys and tells me he's sorry and he won't do it again. He has stayed sober since that post but he has now got a lock on his phone which I discovered. On Saturday he was about to go out to a shop I just had a feeling he was going to get cocaine. I told him straight if that was his plan to go elsewhere and do it. He went nuts shouting that I was a control freak and that I've got issues. He came back and he was sober and woke up in the morning expecting him to be out of it but he wasn't. I just knew he was hiding something though so tried to look at his phone in the middle of the night and he has fingerprint lock on his messages. I told him this is totally unacceptable to me and this is a clear indication to me of his deceit and I just can't stop thinking he is cheating which I've never thought before. I'm feeling very drained today like I don't know how to get out of this. I'm too tired, I just want to run away by myself. I don't feel like I can be a mum at the moment, I just feel like a total disaster and the kids would be better of without me messing there life's up

replying to Mummy24

Reading your post and its a scarily accurate description of how my partner behaves. You are not alone in this though it feels that way and you are not a bad mum. Sending you hugs.

replying to Mummy24

Hey I hope you are ok. It's not you who is messing things up its him.

The lies and worry turn you into a paranoid wreck. Its understandable.

I walked away from mine a few weeks ago and I'm struggling but I'm doing my best to let go.

The way I saw it I thought maybe losing me might make him realize but it didnt work that way.

He is happily taking drugs still and hasnt even contacted me. I don't think he will now.

It sounds as though violence between you two is escalating and that's not good.

Honestly until he decides he wants help there is nothing you can do you will just be fighting an endless struggle.

Go somewhere with the kids or tell him he has to go. Keep it calm and civil. Give him a time frame to get help. See what he does. You might not like the result but at least you will know.

replying to Mummy24

Thank you for your reply.

I think that is what I'm so scared of is him letting me go I'm clinging onto him to be the man I met.

I have been through a very bad brake up previous to this and was left with my 2 oldest kids to bring up. I am so scared of being in that situation again.

I just want my life back

replying to Mummy24

I have been waiting for two years for my wonderful loving husband to come back.

Cocaine ruins lives, we were so happy, he was my soul mate and put me on a pedestal. I knew that he had used cocaine a few years after we got married but he told me it did nothing for him.

Then he starts moving in different circles. Going out drinking. He was the one that always made sure his mates got home and he never lied telling me they all took cocaine regularly.

Then he gets caught up with the wrong sort of people and was making bad decisions. Ended up getting arrested. Whilst waiting for his trial to go to court he went off the rails. He was taking cocaine, getting drunk and staying out all night. He wasn't going to work and was constantly telling me he had the flu. Not so, he was on the coke and this changed him, he had no patience, was evil tongued, accused me of wanting someone else. He constantly lied and he never had the need before we were so close.

He was not bothered when I had hospital appointments even though before he would always be there for me every time.

He no longer loves me, he left me and now he is in prison.

I'm still waiting for the monster to disappear. He has made me ill and nothing matters to him. He has left me with his debts to sort.

I want my lovely life back and the man I love.

replying to Danman83

Not too bad Danman. I have my good days and bad days, today was a bad one but I'm getting there.

I see so many people on here with the same 'stories' but I am further down the line and it doesn't get any better with my 'husband'

I'm glad that you are seeing how the demon is trying to entice you, it gives me a good insight.

replying to Mummy24

I was thinking the exact same the other day - reading other peoples stories. They all have a similar pattern. Just some are lot worse.

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