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When the addict leaves

Hello everyone, I hope everyone reading this is well.

I live abroad in Spain and met my partner as soon as I arrived. Initially I found his disappearances and financial problems strange but I couldnt even have imagined the truth that he had an addiction to cocaine which he had been hiding from me.

He told me the truth and asked me to help and support him, the was no doubt that I wanted to be there for him even when we were followed by dealers in a car chase on the motorway which was one of the scariest moments of my life.

We moved to another city half an hour away by the beach where we know no one to be away from temptation. He asked me to take control of his bank accounts so that he couldn't spend on drugs.

The first few weeks were bliss and I naively thought that everything could get better. He has a 2 year old son from a previous relationship and shares custody and the three of us were a "happy little family" or so I thought until it happened again.

I stupidly had set up rules for the flat (contract in my name) which he had agreed to that if he ever used he wouldn't be allowed to come home. Probably 3 or 4 times I locked him out and he was calling all night and banging the door down at 4am begging me to let him in out of the cold. I didnt want to enable him and I wanted there to be consequences for his use but I look back now and I just feel so so sad that I did that to him and see that it drove a huge wedge between us.

The more he would lie the more angry I would get and somewhere it seems that he stopped loving me and I just found it unbearable. I became an insecure wreck (which partly is down to the lies, insults and gaslighting he subjected me to) asking for more an more reassurance. I felt scared and lost because this is all new to me and in a new place with no friends or family around its only him that I could go to for that comfort.

I thought that quarantine would help us and the first 10 days he stayed home as he feel seriously unwell with covid19 and I nursed him as well as I could. He had severe symptoms and it was genuinely so scary seeing him unable to breathe having chest pains and not being able to get any help as the drs deemed his case mild. I just felt helpless and so so thankful when he recovered. I could finally be relieved and just enioy time with him... of course the next day he "went to the supermarket" and ended up going back to our old city, using. I knew and when I confronted him (nicely) he told me I had psychological issues. Things got very heated over the course of a few hours and he ended up grabbed me hard and pushing me which left me with bruises.

He left that night, came back a few days later but created a fight out of nowhere and left with his child to move back in to his parenrs house. Now the rational part of me knows that he had been paid so he started the argument so that he could storm off and be free to use. Checking our bank accounts its clear. However I cant forgive myself and I cant stop going around in circles in my head asking myself what could I have done? Why was I so cruel and controlling locking him out and insisting on confronting him time and time again when deep down I knew the truth?

Hes gone and it literally feels like someone has ripped my heart out because with everything that is going on in the world right now and being so far away from family and friends, losing my job.. hes gone and taken my stepchild away too and ita just so lonely. I compare this with how i felt lying next to him knowing he'd lied and I would take that any day over this feeling I have now that hes gone.

In the 10 days hes been away hes spent over 1000 euros on cocaine and gambling. It makes me feel sick knowing the debts he has not least to me, he also used my debit card to gamble online while hes been gone without my permission.

I just feel so rejected. I tried everything I could and I'm willing to keep trying but he seems happier and more comfortable where he is on self destruct.

Has anyone ever been through this? Does the addict come back when they realise they want to change? Is it pathetic that I want him to come back? I love him and there is so much good in him that exists alongside the bad it seems as if no one understands that. I see the transactions on his account and I can imagine the fear and pain hes feeling.. the desperation. My heart is breaking for him and also for myself.

To anyone who made it through to the end of this, thank you so much for reading.

Take care all.

replying to Fullmoon

Hello.

Yes, a lot of us on here have been through the same thing. One thing is for sure though you didn't stop him loving you the cocaine did. You gave him support. You did the right thing with the contact to your home which he agreed to, but he took cocaine anyway knowing the consequences. He wanted you to take care of the finances but still bought cocaine and gambled. You have done everything you could without enabling him.

They lie and manipulate and blame us for their using. But we are not to blame they destroy our lives because cocaine comes first before anything.

My heart breaks for you. My heart has never recovered, my husband hasn't returned to the wonderful loving person he was even though he has been in prison for a year.

None of this is your fault, you tried your hardest.

replying to Fullmoon

Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it... as you know its a lonely place to be. For now hes back and doing very well but I know it will only last until payday...

Im sorry for what you have been through with your husband too. Theres nothing that can prepare you for this!

Anyway I just wanted to say thanks again for your words it means a lot that you went to the effort of responding. Thank you xxxxxxxx

replying to Fullmoon

It is a lonely place to be but there are plenty of people in the same situation on here that will understand what you are going through.

Meaning though he's back it looks like you were doing the right thing in the first place. Stay strong. xx

replying to Fullmoon

Bless you . My husband hates me right now as I have had to put boundaries in place . My dad died in January and I couldn’t deal with anymore . My husbands drug of choice is crystal meth .

My husband disappeared. Used . Fell apart . I fixed him up . He went back . Like you I feel everything . I’ve tried everything . He has threatened me . Hurt me and I still loved him. Like your partner he had a hard life .

2 weeks ago I had a total mental breakdown. Ended up in the hospital . But yet it’s still my fault . He has no empathy for me . I’m the problem. I’ve rejected him. I didn’t I rejected the chaos .

Losing my dad and him has been unbearable .

Like yourself I feel for him. He is constantly angry . Shouts all the time and yesterday said I’m still using drugs and I haven’t sought help like you want . I said I’m not arguing , I said I love you be safe . The no compassion or empathy for me is a hard 1 . I no longer know what to do and it hurts like hell . Like you I live in hope . I’ve never used a forum before . Stay strong x

replying to Fullmoon

Thanks so much Hox!

MusicMimi Im really sorry to hear about what you are going through and I can totally relate about the lack of empathy. Its difficult to understand how someone can keep doing harm keep lying keep hurting and causing pain but still feels as if they are the victim. Its as if they are completely blind to the pain and destruction they cause. Im really sorry you ended up having a breakdown. We cant rely on others to be kind to us or have empathy sadly, we have to show ourselves the kindness and care we shower on others. Its not fair and it shouldnt be that way but it is. Sending hugs x

replying to Fullmoon

To Fullmoon,

Thank you for your kindness , it is greatly appreciated. I totally agree with you . I’ve shed so many tears . I’ve tried to show so much love and support , but my well

Is empty . Like you , I’ve tried everything. Holding money . Talking , caring . I can’t control his behaviour . I can’t take his lies. Hating on me is easier than looking at himself . I’ve kept quiet for such a long time . I’m a MH professional, so talking about my issues has been very hard . I’m so glad I’ve spoken to someone that gets me . I’m hear if you feel like venting .

replying to Fullmoon

Likewise... im here anytime you need. Currently in a really lovely moment wherr hes showing me who he used to be, one week clean but I know what will happen at the end if the month once he gets paid. Its the calm before the storm because his parents have thrown him out (he went there to binge 3 weeks ago and they have now had enough) and I will also ask him to leave if the same thing happens. Its such a surreal situation with the lockdown... he cant work so i have him in front of me 24/7. There is no chance for him to lie and things are great... but I know I have accept that this isnt sustainable long term eventually he will be out of my sight and ill be a paranoid wreck again driving myself over the edge because of the lies only to be told im crazy and imagining things.

Theres no shame in talking about what you are going through, you are very brave in opening up. Dont bottle it up xxxx

replying to Fullmoon

Thank you , let’s hope the lockdown makes him see sense and you are relieved of all anxieties . X

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