: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

4 replies

Partner drinking

Hi all. I’m here about my fiancé, who is drinking and has anxiety issues.

We’ve been together 24 years and we’ve always been really close. He’s such a good man.

He’s always enjoyed a drink and would drink around 4 cans a night in the week and more of a weekend.

Last year, he had a breakdown. This was a result of losing my Dad, a close friend and work stress building up. I also think that work increased the stress/anxiety.

He was off work for 7 months with anxiety and depression. The citalopram helped his depression, but he still got some anxiety. Alcohol didn’t mix well with this medication, so he was told not to drink. He tried shandy’s and you could still tell on a small amount.

Before christmas, he’d gone out in my car for food and broke down. The police stopped and he was over the limit. He got a ban and fine.

His anxiety leading upto the court case was horrid.

He was drunk christmas afternoon and slept all through the meal and presents.

I’ve been finding bottles of rum around the house. He doesn’t even drink much and he’s drunk. He sneaks them in from the shop. We’ve had so many arguments and promises it won’t happen again. His mom even got upset, which hurts him and yet it ends up starting up again.

He’s back at work now and it’s seemed to help and he was more his old self.

I continued to find bottles. I get maybe a few hours with him after he finished work, and then he’s either asleep, acting weird, or had a drink.

The times I’ve been worried that something is wrong with him because he’s acting so strangely.

Now, he’s off work with what’s going in the world. He had to self isolate for a few weeks, and due to my health issues, I stayed with my mom.

The first week, I went home and spoke to him through the window. He looked an absolute wreck. The second week he seems more himself, but he kept watching the news and getting anxiety over his health. He was poorly and had an ambulance due to symptoms, which is obviously worrying being alone and with similar symptoms to covid.

The night before I was due back home, he started having delusions. For three nights, he has psychosis. Delusions, hallucinations you name it, it was terrible. We got no sleep at all and the mental health team said they believed it was alcohol withdrawal as he said he hadn’t drank for three weeks....I’m not convinced, but I can’t say how many days.

He’s now drinking a lot. He’s getting up in the night and coming downstairs to watch the news and drink.

He is anxious over his health and has gotten upset. I’ve never known him raise his voice like he’s been doing.

The Dr gave him zopiclone to help him sleep, and diazepam.

I feel so lost. I’m losing him and I’m starting to feel numb to it all.

It’s like having a child! Al-Anon recommended that I ignore the bottles which is so hard, but a relief in a way. I’ve tried contacting his old counselling team, but they’re closed since the corona. He has a phone call on the 15th from the alcohol team.

I would have left if it wouldn’t have been for him saying he will have help.

I just can’t see it stopping now, I really can’t. If he doesn’t take the help, or doesn’t do as they say, I don’t think I have any choice but to leave and it’ll break both of our hearts. It worries me what he would do without me

replying to Kellsbells

Hi Kells bells

Your story is so sad, 24 years is a long time to be with someone and to have to watch them change so much in such a short time. His recent decline sounds to have been quite quick and the lock down is truly awful for people already suffering from anxiety.

I left my husband in February because I couldn't cope with his poor mental health and drinking. It was like living with a ticking time bomb, some days he would be ok and others he would explode and become an evil monster.

But he just couldn't see that he was doing anything wrong and would turn the blame on to me, saying that I was being too oppressive, trying to control him and smothering him because I am insecure.

I worry about what will become of him now I have left, we still talk but it is hard one day things seem positive and the next he pushes away. I know I have done the right thing by leaving but I also feel like I have abandoned him. It's so sad.

replying to Kellsbells

I’m so sorry, I didn’t get any notifications about you ever replying!

Wow it’s almost a year on from my post and looking back it’s like nothing has changed.

I actually came on here to join up, forgetting I had an account.

The alcohol team were involved for a long time before he finally got some help off them.

To cut it short, he’s agreed to rehab. He was supposed to have his assessment over the phone with them today, but he was drunk.

The last year has been truly awful. He went back to work after being furloughed for 5 months, but the drinking has continued. He’s had people sus at work and after being sent home a few times, he’s had a gross misconduct.

I’ve learned to detach, but feel numb to it. I feel hatred at times.

As I’m sat here, he’s on the floor asleep and he has work in the morning. I’m not telling them he won’t be in. That’s on him. I’ve struggled lately with my physical and mental health.

The one thing I feel ultimately guilty of bad about, is the fact I knew the citalopram medication wouldn’t mix with his drinking and I let him go ahead. Years ago, he was on the same med and a can of lager would go to his head. I guess I thought well he will have to stop weekend lager now.

I kept saying he wasn’t making the right choice. Medication or alcohol.

He probably has three units or quarter of a bottle and you’d think he’d had two bottles. It really increases the effects of the alcohol in him.

So it’s a waiting game still. Rehab could be months and months off. He’s still yet to have a lot of calls off them.

I’m scared I’ll lose feelings. I’ll always love him, but I’m scared I’m becoming numb.

replying to Kellsbells

It sounds like you’re in such an emotionally exhausting and difficult position. To hear you’re a year on with little movement. It sounds similar to my situation although I’ve been with my fiancée for 6 years not a quarter of a century. I really feel your pain and anguish. I’m not sure if you feel this way but I’m hoping I’ll get the partner back I fell in love with, not this nightmare of a relationship I have now. I think the lies, deceit, blaming are all so destructive of the feelings even if you love the person so deeply trust and lies just can’t co-exist, well that’s what I’m feeling at the moment. I love my fiancée but I’m not fulfilled but then feel guilty I’m making it about me!! It’s a real head mess isn’t it?! I’m thinking of going to to a group myself for support but just haven’t picked up the courage as yet

replying to Kellsbells

Don’t feel guilty at all. The thing is, it is about you too. It affects us more than they could ever know. Even when my partner is being great and back to his lovely self, I have a coldness and I find i snap easily. I do try and disguise this and let the love and happiness take over, but im not the same. I love him so much, but it can’t not change you. The lies, the way they act, it’s like living with a stranger. Yeah I’ve contemplated going to an Al Anon group too. I think counselling may be my first step. Take care

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