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I’ve been with my husband for 23 years and he’s always liked to dabble with drugs but nothing too bad and thought he was better since we had our first child. He did have a drugs addiction before I met him but he was just a kid then, I don’t know if he had a bad upbringing because he never really talks about his childhood but I’d say, it’s only been last year, that I found out, he had been taking cocaine, for a year, he started off at his mates taking it, then while me and my child was in bed. He’s attitude was awful with me, going off on the least thing and blaming me for it, he lost interest in a lot of things and just wanted to sleep in afternoons and hated family days out or would want to start an argument, just before going. I then got pregnant with my second and found out then what he was doing, whilst finding bags of the stuff. He didn’t know what to say and said he glad I found out but then has been doing it on and off and denying it but I could tell by his attitude towards me. He’s always blowing his nose, most days but says he isn’t doing it, so are users noses like that, when not taking? He promised me, if he does it again, he will get help but still hasn’t. I’ve threatened him with all sorts but I can’t keep going on like this. He said he will get help, once he gets cravings, I don’t believe him but what do I do and what do they get up to while taking it on their own? It seems really sad to me.

replying to Anonymous

Hi there, sorry for what you are going through. I've got a wife and 3 kids and am an addict but not to Cocaine. Cocaine is tough as it's so incredibly expensive, I've tried it in the past but honestly felt barely nothing everytime. Your man must be like so many others that are hard wired to enjoy it. I've seen friends really obsess over coke and i imagine that must be so difficult for you as you must be seeing really polarised mood swings? Its a massive vicious circle for your fella as although drug dependency looks heavily self indulgent on the surface he is likely beating the shit out of himself for how his head feels regarding you and your kids. I can relate, nothing and I mean NOTHING seems in any way enjoyable or even possible when you aren't high, your routes to get high are often exhausting, fraught with tension and you feel so angry at yourself at feeling like there is no other option... "I want to make my children happy but I can't contemplate that kids movie or computer game as at this moment. I want to beat the shit out of myself with guilt... Need gear to show love etc"....

Best advice I can think of is take yourself and your kids out for a day with family or friends and leave a letter saying that you know what's happening but you love him with ALL your heart and you are his rock, you and him will beat it, you will help him taper, go to the doctors, and cuddle when he needs it, whatever it takes for all of you lovely people. Things will ALWAYS be worse as long as he considers YOU an outsider, you wouldn't abandon him if he had a disease and you sure won't abandom him with this, he needs to know that. All that is my assuming you love him and he's not violent towards you and the wee ones?

Hey look, I don't know you at all but just getting yourself on here and confronting it is a big step and you should see it as such. Getting stuff of your chest is helpful sometimes and that's why I have registered as I can't live the way I've been living for 4 years now.

Keep talking and if I see your messages and others see them you will have a sounding board OK. God bless you, your man and the little ones.

1 reply

replying to Anonymous

Aww bless you, you sound like you know what your talking about and it beats you up too! My husband says he feels so guilty afterwards but finds it hard to resist. He says he doesn’t get cravings all the time but I’m not sure whether I believe that or not, I’ve tried being there for him on many occasions but it gets so exhausting, especially when he just wants to sleep in the afternoons and is not interested in doing much with us as a family and then promises, if he has the urge again, he will get help but never does. I know he loves us and would hate for us to leave but I can’t keep carrying on like I’m doing, when I’m only getting false promises and I don’t know the answer to why, he’s doing it or what he’s even get up to whilst doing it, when we are all in bed. The worst part, is having to put up with his mood swings days later, it’s like he wants to cause an argument over the slightest thing. At least your coming onto this forum because you know you need to get out of the rut your in, my husband keeps it all to himself, that’s where I know it’s going to be harder for him to give up. Hopefully you will come through the other side because you want to.

replying to Anonymous

I literally registered on this forum last week so he might not be a million miles away from where I am.

Recognising you are not doing the right thing when dependant on drugs is one thing, it's having a single solitary idea what you can do about it that's a massive hurdle.

There are relatively good options through a GP if the effects of coke are what your fella craves. The American brand name of a good substitute is Adderral, it has similar effects on the central nervous system as cocaine but in a much more manageable way, its cleaner ( as the efficacy of cocaine is a real lottery based on the cutting agents it contains) and it is far easier to monitor and therfore taper off, plus its free which is so important for you as a family. Biggest improvement I've had is telling a gp who was able to provide a decent alternative. Perhaps make yourself a GP appointment without your man present when all this corona thing is out of the way and ask what he or she would recommend?

An effective, clean substitute combined ( eventually) with therapy to deal with the man's childhood is out there to be found. As I said I don't know you and as humans our personal circumstances are SO intense and complex that it's impossible to recommend a course of action but I hope you guys find it and it's awesome that he's got a lady out there looking for solutions. Keep at it and ( if you can) keep smiling OK.

1 reply

replying to Anonymous

Thank you and I’m new to this forum too, I find it hard talking to my husband about it because he said he tries to not put the craving into his brain but I think, he just says that because he’s scared to get help, so tries to change the subject instead. I know it’s not over and he will have another relapse and we keep going around in circles but I can only do so much and he’s the one, who needs to take that plunge and get help. I hope you come through the other side too but you are on the right road already because you’ve come on this forum and you know you don’t want to be doing it. I wish you all the luck!

replying to Anonymous

And to you. Sorry for the late response but I have been on a bit of a rough one this last couple of weeks.

I think its fear in your fellas case when it comes to talking about it, that's definitely why I haven't talked to my wife. You just feel SO ashamed and embarrassed so you instantly try to shut it down when it gets mentioned "nah, seriously I'm fine, yeah yeah it's all good I don't want to think about it" that kind of thing!

Thanks for your kind words and I really hope you get to the bottom of the whole thing. I'm setting some goals up for the next 5 years so that my mind isn't always on drugs, ya know like buy a campervan, take kids to Disney land and im putting pics of those desires on my fridge so everyday there is something positive to look forward to?! Hey, might work!

Hope you guys weather it all and come out stronger on the other side.

Love n best wishes OK.

replying to Anonymous

Thank you all so much for your responses. It’s a lonely world when you can’t really talk about addiction.

When we were together before it got to the stage where we were living like poor people. We have a lovely big house and to fb we looked like the perfect couple living the perfect life.

When actually some days I didn’t know how we were gonna get food. He spent on average of 3 thousand pounds a month on cocaine. (I didn’t realise till after) I had no control over finances as I’m a housewife.

I don’t know if it’s just me but my husband can go about 9 days before he relapses. In those 9 days he’s low mood, naps, can get angry easily. When he knows he’s getting it he’s the happiest man in the world which is when I start to panic

I think I feel guilty because I had a part to play in it. I should of got help sooner or done something. I feel guilty for keeping the secret for so long. Seriously I don’t know how long that will take to get over. I feel guilty for lying to my teenage daughter when she found a bag of coke in the house and me protecting him by lying that I didn’t know what it was.

I was also trying to protect myself I knew if I told friends or the doctor that they would judge me and think the kids were in danger or something. All the lies I have told for him makes me feel guilty. When I turned up at many family parties events and said he was home Ill. When actually he was high.

I just feel in protecting him for so long and trying to get him help, I lost who I was. I was depressed I had 4 children and then we had a baby with health conditions but still I put him first, trying to protect and help him.

I feel like I’ve been a shit mum even tho I know I’ve done everything I can and I’ve held this family together and tried to protect them.

I feel bad for saying this but I can’t live this life with him anymore.

I know I need to concentrate on the children and myself but I feel guilty that he has no one really and he wants to make it work, but I know drugs will be in his life.

I was always told the drugs only became a problem in this relationship and that family life and teenagers were to blame. But I’ve recently found out that’s why his last relationship didn’t work.

I still love him And there’s always the hope he will change.

Love to you all

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