: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

4 replies

I think my fiance is addicted to adderall

Hi everyone! New here and just feeling very confused and sad and looking maybe for some clarity, advice and support.

I've been with my fiance for 3 years and I will admit, it certainly hasn't been the most amazing relationship, but I stayed with him. We are now engaged and supposed to get married in October.

I can't remember at what point during our relationship I found out he was taking adderall, but I honestly didn't think much of it. He was smart and responsible so I assumed what he was taking was a reasonable dose, but I've never used drugs and addiction doesn't run in my family, so its hard for me to put two-and-two together, plus I thought doctors diagnosed appropriately.

Overtime, I noticed his anger and annoyance. He couldn't help himself to point out the smallest things to put me down and make himself feel better. He would blow up at the most ridiculous things. He couldn't have a conversation about an issue with screaming and yelling. So many times, after the blowup, I would literally sit there thinking "What the heck just happened?". It was so crazy to me that he would react the way he did. I'm not sure how to even truly describe how bizarre and off the way his reactions were.

What was even more confusing to me was what he chose to focus on. He said he needed the adderall to be able to "tolerate me", for one, but also focus on work since he is in a VERY high-stress job. But once he finished work, he would play video games for HOURS. I had to force him to eat. In fact, he actually looks kind of malnourished. He never hangs out with his friends. He does nothing to take care of himself like workout or get enough sleep. He will come to bed after 12am, get up at 7am to start work, and the cycle starts again.

Things continued to get worse. EVERYTHING was my fault. I was to blame. He would call me the nastiest names and then tell me I'm the reason our relationship is failing. He would get in my face and scream at me, pound his fist on the kitchen counter, kick me out of the house and so on. So many times I would just stand there while he was acting like that and calmly say "What is wrong with you?". Of course his response was that I was wrong with him.

Anyways, I don't know what to do and I feel stupid for even being in this position. I hate to just accuse someone of being a drug addict but I don't see how that's not the case. The way he's acting just isn't normal. He is in complete denial.

replying to Jess1419

regardless of addiction, he is a dick. Dont marry him

replying to Jess1419

I feel like I was in your position a few years ago and I just learned to accept my husbands outbursts. The man I loved was still there and on occasion I would see that side of him come out. But move on 3 years and the man I loved is all lost. The horrible words he said on occasion are now a weekly or even daily occurrence. I have no choice but to make a plan to get my own life back without him as it's what I have to do for me and my son. He has never admitted an addiction (cocaine) and still thinks he uses it recreationally. Every now and then he shows some remorse and says he wants to stop but usually within a week he is back to it. I feel stuck in a cycle. Wishing he would admit his addiction and do something about it so my son can have a dad but realising it's just never going to happen and that over the 3 years things have got worse and worse and worse unfortunately.

I think we learn to accept the moods and the nasty behaviour, blaming us for everything. I hope that you can get your partner to seek help. I wish that I had been able to and hadn't just put up with his behaviour for so long.

1 reply

replying to Jess1419

Oh I get so angry when i hear how these people who abuse drugs place blame on others. It's typical behaviour of an addict who has no desire to make the changes they need to make in order to stop abusing drugs and live a life free from addiction.

None of you should take any blame, internalise any of the nastiness that spills from their mouths or any other form of abuse. Because that's what it is it's abuse!

From experience, I ended up on the floor, broken and nearly didn't survive the whole ordeal. We were together 22 years until COCAINE came along. Long story short, that drug destroyed our lives, changed an otherwise loyal kind man into a monster. However, I am in no doubt that at any point he could have changed his life if he wanted too. That's the point, they will only get help when they want too and that's not an easy pill to swallow. We wasn't even his rock bottom.

Learn to detach from the addict, respond in a healthy way, as in "let them do what they going to do" don't invest your energy as they will do what they want anyway! The drug has the power not you sadly. Learn to focus on you - live your life and find peace and then hopefully you will come to your own conclusions about whether or not you want this sort of chaos in your life.

You/ we all deserve better!

replying to Kel1

I hate the feeling of being so blind to let it get this far. I'm just not the person to immediately think "Maybe he has an addiction problem", but the last few days I've had time to reflect on individual incidents that make me wonder how he couldn't.

When we first started dating, he would "joke" about how his doctor would tell him during his check-up that he needed to gain some weight, which obviously is a result of the adderall use. He would say don't worry, my girlfriend makes me eat. I always found it odd that he almost never ate, and then would make me feel bad for eating as much as I did. Um, I'm sorry, I workout regularly (unlike you), so for one, I need the calories, but two, I also don't use drugs that suppress my appetite, so what I'm eating is actually normal food intake.

I always found empty pill bottles all over his closet. I just thought they were bottles he never threw away, but it makes me wonder if he was getting these prescriptions from multiple doctors. He would also take a pill late in the day. I always found that strange. Its 4pm and you need an adderall? Nevermind the fact that it is the weekend. You say you need it to get through work, but you're not working on the weekend. More excuses came for why he was popping an adderall in front of me - "I need it to put up with you" (I thought that was what your chewing tobacco was for?) or "I need it to put up with your stepmom". He even made a "joking" comment to me that had he not taken the adderall, he would not have had the energy or motivation to clean the garage. I also think back to him bragging about not taking adderall for 3 days, but it makes me wonder if he ran out for taking more than prescribed and obviously couldn't get another prescription before one ran out. He would also sleep until 12pm on the weekends. Again, maybe I'm just naive, but a 40 year old sleeping until 12pm on the weekend? His body was probably trying to play catch-up from the lack of sleep all week.

He can't just hangout and relax either. If his mind isn't occupied, he falls asleep. If we are just watching TV, he falls asleep. Although we rarely just watch TV together. He's told me its so boring, that he can't just sit there. If he lays down on the couch, he falls asleep. He refuses to do anything that included him just sitting there, relaxing. He won't go to the beach because just sitting on the beach is boring. Same for the pool. His mind has to be stimulated constantly.

I just feel stupid for not recognizing this before.

replying to Jess1419

I hear you, although I wouldnt feel stupid - why so? How are you supposed to know how to manage this situation or play detective on people's behaviours? We don't get into relationships to accept this kind of crap!

All of the other behaviours, like laziness, poor attitudes, criticism, put downs, blame and the list goes on is all down to their inability to deal with their own problems! So we end up doing it for them!

Also, the "boredom thing" is just crap - that's just an individuals inability to sit comfortably with themselves and be at peace! As in being comfortable in their own skin. Too many unresolved issues going on there, along with them running/escaping from themselves and the world around them. It's simply cowardness as we all have crap to deal with but others prefer to self medicate. Then we form habits and poor coping strategies and addiction just gets harder!

Sounds like he needs to deal with some underlying issues and explore the driving forces behind his addiction! If he point blank refuses then he isnt ready and sadly like any addiction he has to want to help himself, otherwise it's pointless.

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