: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

29 replies

Cocaine Addiction - Feeling lost, alone and pretty helpless

Hi All,

I am here as I do not know where else to turn! Up until a year ago I had never tried recreational drugs other than cannabis, I then hit 38 and randomly craved Cocaine, I then broke both wrists and used it combined with alcohol to ease the pain.

I am female, have a wonderful Husband and children and am disgusted by my behaviour, it feels like I am in self destruct mode. I don't even enjoy using it. Since the lockdown my use has become more frequent every other day and I only use it if I drink alcohol.

Alcohol has always been my crutch and now it triggers cocaine use.

I wish more than anything that I could go back in time to that first night and never have tried it in the first place. I have not hidden the fact from anyone in fact I have been honest throughout.

I don't want to be that person I look at in the mirror any longer after a bender. I spent 4 years rebuilding a new me after a breakdown and feel all my work is unravelling. I have a septum perforation which I have told no one about but is worrying me constantly, worry leads to alcohol, alcohol leads to cocaine.

I know what I need to do and that is to simply stop - I just feel so lost. I was once the person who helped others with drug problems and in a year I have turned into that person needing help.

Any advice would be welcomed and recovery stories, I cannot go on like this any longer, my family deserve better and so do I.

Many thanks for listening.

replying to worthless80

Plus your brain will always trick you into getting coke. This is when u need to keep busy. It will make you cause arguments just as an excuse to get it. This is called emotional relapse. Try and plan ahead. Dont go past any places were you have used coke or picked up off a dealer as this triggers it.

Say for instance you have had coke on a key, and you just see a key lying around weeks later. It will remind you of coke and you will be thinking of it. Its crazy. Do you get support off your husband?

2 replies

replying to worthless80

I am in the same position as you. But I’m completely on my own , completely solitary throughout this lockdown.

I hope you’re ok? Xx

replying to worthless80

Not sure if you’re asking me or the person I was also replying to 🤷🏼‍♀️

1 reply

replying to worthless80

I am the exact same does your husband help you? I wish I had advise to give you, I try to keep my self busy but I always seem to find excuse to myself to use. Lock down has been awful I was hoping that there would be a drought so I couldn’t get any. I’ve also got a septum perforation and scared it will collapse as it will not heel and don’t know what to do. If I find a way of escaping this nightmare please do share if give anything. Hope you find a way out

replying to worthless80

Hi Guys,

I am so sorry for not replying - I have only just seen the notifications in my spam box. I thank you all for your advice!

I will be honest there have been changes to my situation, I have cut down my usage etc and have become more sensible (if you can be sensible when on drugs).

Lost12

My Husband is a heavy cannabis user and he will source cocaine for me. Many have blamed him, however, quite simply at the end of the day it is "OUR" choice.

How much and how often do you use it? Do you find alcohol/situations/other drugs trigger? How long have you been using the drug for?

I know that currently this seems like a 'nightmare', I believe each path whether good or bad during our lifetimes was meant be for a reason and we will learn from the experience.

Please do come back to me and we can have a chat x

replying to worthless80

Hey,

I am similar in situ and very alone in lockdown. I do it when im low and stay up through nights when i know i have things to do. But its easier than facing the mundanity of lockdown life.

Im becoming very insular. It always starts with booze and i will always get it. Even when my inner voice is telling me No!

Its really self destructive.

Im stuck in a very personal shameful cycle.

Nothing is giving me the same buzz.

Help!

1 reply

replying to worthless80

Hi Everyone

Thanks in adv for reading. I am also struggling. I have deleted the dealers number, that was brave. My husband and I used to use occasionally as it would give us the kind of high to chat more and deeply (he doesn’t chat otherwise.. ) and way better intimacy. My habit has now spiralled out of control, he doesn’t know that I have my own little stash, it’s awful, I feel ashamed of myself. I have been doing it very often and sometimes during the day. It sorts me out in a way I can’t describe. I have an addictive personality but I can be days and weeks without touching alcohol. What triggers my thirst for alcohol is coke. If I haven’t got coke, I don’t need a drink. I am worried that I won’t be able to get out of this vicious circle because I feel that without that high and chattiness, it’s all too dull to bear and now with lockdown is worse. He won’t use anymore, we made that promise on nye and we have been rowing constantly. He is unaware that I have. He had a drinking problem though and anger issues, I feel very depressed and I don’t know who to turn to, thank you, it’s been great to know that I am not alone.

replying to worthless80

Hi Bex,

Firstly well done for reaching out (hope that does not sound patronising), sometimes it helps massively to put your problems down on paper.

I would love to say that I am changed person, however, I still use although a much lower amount. I am by no means advocating the use of drugs but my journey has had positives as well as negatives.

How much are you doing each day? I must admit I could have a huge rock and would not touch it during the day - mine is a more of a habitual nighttime habit - very much like you I feel that the dullness would be too much too bear. I have been honest with all my family members from the start and have loved and lost a few (sadly hypocrites that were once using constantly). My Dad who is the straightest guy ever simply stated "Debs, when you are ready to stop you will, not when everyone else is telling you too".

Lockdown has created many drug and alcohol problems in individuals who previously have never relied on them for a crutch so please go easy on yourself. I am here for you if you need me.

Much Love xx

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