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Where do I start

So yeah my name is Dazza, I've been addicted to cocaine for 7 years.

I got with my wife 9 years ago. Everything was good I got married to her 5 years ago.

After this I started cocaine. It started as a secret habit that turned into a big problem. Using everyday and its affected everything in my life. I've tried quitting a few times and its never planned out properly.

Recently it got that bad that she said she was talking to someone else and I over reacted and took he car that I wasnt insured on went out and was placed on bail and couldn't see my own children.

Since that day I haven't touched a line. Nothing. I've stopped myself I'm on day 13. The problem I have is that she doesn't want to fix our marriage now. I have looked up the effects of addiction and I've pretty much done everything that it says. I've lied, stolen, been out for days on end off my box and just basically trampled all over her. I've never been violent physically but I guess the mental effects have left its mark.

Right now am set on never touching the drug again because I've lost everything. I'm unsure on what I do rebuilding and regaining trust. I dont want to lose her and I do think it can be fixed but she wont trust anything I say. I really am set this time on not relapsing and sticking with it but I'm punishing myself on the fact I've had chance after chance after chance. Where do I start? What do I do. I've stopped taking any cocaine but shes heard it all before and yeah I just feel lost. She doesn't care.

I dont blame her it's my actions that did this. Is there hope for me and how long will I feel regret for... like I said I wont relapse. We've set up contact with out children I've seen them the last 2 days. I just dont know the way forward.

Basically I'm lost and I will keep doing what I'm doing. What would anyones advice be going forward??? I'm on day 14 and I have a long way to go I know but I'm set on beating this now. I just neee guidance

Really feel like just going. Dont wanna give up but I think I have too now. I hurt that much my head tells me to just go and leave everything. I'm living in so much guilt its unreal. Just feel like going away completely and just starting a whole new life. Really struggling to cope not just because of her it's a combination of things.

1 reply

replying to Dot

Hi Dazza,

As the wife of a recovering addict, you might need to give her time.

You'll go through a period of about 6-8 weeks of feeling crap, but the end result will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

My husband was doing coke daily for a long time, and he's 5 months clean. I did stick with him, because I thought if I didn't he would spiral into self destruct and our child might end up with no dad. I think if we didnt have a child I probably wouldn't have stayed. The negatives outweighed the positives, and I was scared of him. He never physically abused me, but the mental abuse was possibly even worse. He too made accusations of my fidelity, because he was paranoid, and also because he had been unfaithful he assumed I must be too.

Don't give up giving up, give her time, give her space. Let her know you love her and apologise. It doesn't make you weak saying sorry. Time is a healer, you have to give up for you, not for anyone else.

I hope you have some support around you. My husband ate quite a lot in the first couple of months of stopping, dont worry about that, he's back to normal weight now.

Stay off the beer, eat well, take up some exercise and you can be you again, and not a slave to an evil drug that has taken the old you and crumpled you up.

Here if you need to talk :)

replying to Dot

Well basically she just said she doesn't understand addiction and never will. She said I chose drugs over her it's a fair comment. She says even if I stick to my plan and go rehab there is no hope so yeah.

I'm on week 2 and my emotions are everywhere its unbelievable indeed like am just stuck . My heads an absolute mess not gonna lie. But I know I will get there eventually its just hard right now.

Thabkyou for the advice though

1 reply

replying to Ash2013

Hi Ash,

Sorry if this is not the right place- I'm new here. But the story of your husband giving up coke gives me hope - I found out a year and a half ago my fiancee had a cocaine addiction. We've been together nearly 8 years and are meant to be getting married next year. He said he wants to get clean and has agreed to see a counsellor, but it feels like such a rollercoaster and I don't know what to do. The thought of leaving him breaks my heart, but I know I can't live like this forever.

replying to Charley

Hi Charley,

No problem. I'm probably not the best person to answer, yes my husband is clean (5 months) but I have been here before, and the dread of the return of the addict is here always. I love him, and clean he is wonderful. On coke he's not.

I have to live my life still thinking about him all the time, its exhausting, Learned experience makes me think 'how will he react' to literally every thing I do or decision I make. Thats not a good way to be. But I'm still here because there is a good man here.

There is no point setting boundaries and not following them through, if he wants to stop he will, but the consequences need to be instilled so they are clear.

Coke is an evil sly drug, it tricks people into thinking they have it under control, then boom, they dont, and theres nothing you can do about it by then.

Here if you need to talk :) Thinking of you x

replying to Dot

Best thing you could do is continue keeping yourself clean, remind her every day that you will do whatever it takes to show her and your child that you want to be back in their life’s. if you make a promise with her, keep it.

She might be at the end of her tether, you may need to stand back and think she may just want some happiness in her life.

But I hope you stay clean and hope she relies that you are trying.

All the best.

replying to Dot

Dazza I’m replying to you, while also asking a question.

I plan on testing my husband regularly and I will write a journal with every test/date/time in it. Tonight will be his first test and I hope it shows positive so I can see the change to negative, This is def for me. But also for him.

Can you do this? Would this help put her mind at rest? As I sure won’t be believing my husband when he says he will stay clean ever ever again. But I will believe a test.

Others on here, what do you think?

replying to Dot

Morning everyone, I am not actually trying to get back with her. I just want things to be amicable. We had a lot of arguments yesterday regarding the children and she is very hurt. We did alot of shouting over the phone then actually talked a little. I feel myself now that I don't want to be with her I really dont. I'm scared that maybe she could be the trigger to why I used to use. We are both trying to get along but I see no future with us. I rely appreciate everyone's feedback I really do. I'm not saying I'm giving up because in all honesty I want her to forgive and understand my actions so that I can move on myself and feel better but that may never happen.

And Kk all tests start negative then the second line comes. Can you elaborate on it?

I think that if he is scared of doing it it can cause a row aswell. Goodluck.

Regards Daz

replying to Dot

How are you doing Daz?

replying to Dot

I'm good thankyou day 29 today.

Engaging in my CBT therapy next appt is June 25th

My ex wife is now meeting other people etc butbits getting easier for me. Acceptance is hard but I just get on with it.

I'm noticing my calmness and happiness slowly coming back and I'm learning to love myself again my likes and dislikes etc.

I'm physically healthy again on the outside gaining weight I'm nearly 12 stone I was 10 and half a month ago. My mental health isnt too great but it's getting better day by day I'm waking up happy 😆

And im sleeping normally again and waking up early. This new life is great I'm totally against the drug and wont ever go back like I said.

I'm looking healthy and I'm getting here. I'm slowly returning to my old self before drugs. I'm excited myself because I know I've get a very bright and optimistic future

Ty for asking how are you?

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