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I don’t know what to do

My partner is an active cocaine user.He’s on it right now. Im so fed up with all our weekends being spent like this, I honestly dread the weekend coz once he says we will have some drinks, I know it will lead to him getting on it.I thought we had turned a corner since lockdown as he had been having issues at work due to bullying prior to lockdown and since he wasnt working during this time he seemed to be dealing with it better but last weekend he was on it from Friday right through to Sunday. This week We just finished doing some work in our home, we were really pleased with ourselves but tonight he was straight back on it- of course he denied it but he couldn’t really convince me as the residue was all around his nose, he stupidly tried to but I wouldn’t let it go until he admitted it. He’s now walking around naked asking me to go to bed so he can sit up and watch porn all night. His behaviour sickens me.I’m feeling so lost, I’ve tried to leave before but it all feels so overwhelming and he manages to convince me to believe that things will change but so far they haven’t. He has cut down on how many nights he uses since last year but he still cannot give it up himself, I’ve tried to encourage him to get help but I think he feels he is in control of his habits but I know he isnt.He doesn't seem to want to take action and get help. I’m feeling so lost and just don’t know what to do anymore.

replying to Maggie18

Maggie18

Hi I’m in the same situation I really do feel you, my partner makes promises he’s going to stop so I believe him, it’s once a week he’s doing it.. all through the night I stay up as I’m scared to go to sleep I don’t know why but I get real anxiety with it so I stay up to make sure he’s okay when he finally feels he’s had enough it’s so hard... I hope your staying safe xx

replying to Maggie18

Maggie and A,

You are both young right? I’m mid 40’s, my husband is 50. Your stories sound just like mine 15 years ago.

If I could tell the old me what to do, it would be please leave and don’t have children together.

The nights I laid awake wishing he’d come home, wishing he’d come to bed and want to be next to me because he cared. The nights that didn’t happen and he’d roll in at 4am or the next day. My anxiety through the roof, but of course I was over reacting.

You will start to normalise things, like he got home 8 hours after I was expecting him, I was awake all night worrying. He comes home, is slightly apologetic but if you push it he’ll become angry because that’s the way to stop you bothering him.

Think about what you want from life. Don’t become a shell of your former self. If You leave, he gets clean and finds you again it was meant to be. If He doesn’t, you’ve had a lucky escape.

Keep talking to your friends, you need support going through this.

Sending love 💓

replying to Maggie18

Ash

Thankyou, yes I’m 30 it’s 2 late for me to think about that I’m already pregnant we found out only last week.. I can’t help feeing that it’s never going to get any better I’ve tried everything I can involved his family to try speak with him but nothing changes his mind when he is taking it.. you couldn’t wish for anyone better when he’s not on the cocain it’s driving me mad thinking it’s me that’s pushing him to it nagging him about going to see someone, thankyou for getting back xx

replying to Maggie18

Maggie,

Congratulations on the baby news although my heart sank a little.

I hope with all my hope that his use just stays at weekends and it’s kept under control.

The problem is that it generally starts at weekends, then moves to more regularly.

But it doesn’t always. But many many 40 ish year olds I know that we’re using it socially are now hooked.

I’d get, oh it’s such and suchs birthday this week, I’m not kidding id joke that I think Steve had 13 birthdays one year. Honestly if the day ended in a Y it’d be a reason to get on it.

When he’s sober, not high, and not on a come down, tell him how you feel. Explain how it worries you, it’s not irrational. It’s a class A drug for a reason. It’s dangerous.

Sending a big hug 🤗

replying to Maggie18

My advice would be to not stand for it now. I didnt want to be the controlling wife who never let my husband have fun but I should have been! I shouldn't have turned a blind eye to his behaviour. I shouldn't have listened to the stories of how stressful work was.

Coming home late. Sleeping all day. Arguments started by me asking for respect in our relationship. I shouldn't have accepted these things. Now it has become the norm. I am the nagging wife who is constantly ruined his fun. I am boring and always was apparently. Nothing is enjoyable for my husband now.

Our son is 7 and my husband has not been to one school event. Not one play or sports day. He doesnt get excited that he can read fluently and with expression. He doesnt notice that my son adores him. He doesnt get excited about the music he used to love. It's like everything is grey for my husband and nothing we do can change that. The only thing that makes his life bright and exciting is cocaine.

I have to ask him to spend time with our son even though we are all in the house during this lockdown if I dont ask him my husband doesnt notice that the entire day has gone past with him in his room playing xbox and ignoring everyone and everything else.

It's not like he is a terrible man all the time. If I dont bother him he just gets along with his life and we get on with ours. The moment I ask for his time or I point out his behaviour i regret it. I personally just can not live like this anymore. I wish I had realised that the weekends of fun would turn into this.

replying to Maggie18

I agree Kitten. That’s the problem, the bit of fun on weekends and then all of a sudden you’re hooked And it’s not fun. You need it to exist.

My husband says that it’s the only thing that gives him a good feeling, nothing else in life can do that anymore. His pleasure receptors are f**ked. Cocaine did that.

Kitten, we have a 7 year old too and it was a similar story with lack of interest in anything. Since being clean he’s far more engaging, don’t get me wrong he’s never going to win a father of the year award, but he tries now, will look at her school work, will play a board game with her if it’s not too long 😂 it’s certainly improved.

It’s just such a sly evil drug, I despise it and the chaos it creates x

replying to Maggie18

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for sharing your situations, sometimes I feel so alone with dealing with this. He just doesn't see what effect his habit is having on us, he’s only just got out of bed and is trying to chat about normal things as if him being wired in coke for the whole evening is totally normal. I slept in the living room as I just didnt want to share a bed with him. I feel like a zombie today, like Ive been doing drugs even though I havent. He is really sucking the life out of me now. Just wish we could get off this round about we’re on a start having a normal life.

replying to Maggie18

Congratulations on the baby!

I think every single one of us wants a crystal ball. Wish we had done xyz before and not got to where we are.

I’ve only been in the ‘know’ 8 days and what a crazy week it’s been.

Kittenmitten - I really could relate to your post saying that wish you were the nagging wife, you wish you had nagged and not allowed it to be the norm. I am promising myself to be this... to not let anything go and nagg.

If he doesn’t like it then tough! There’s the door.

BUT we have children, it makes things so much harder. It makes it more upsetting. As I’m hurting for me and them, especially as I can say what’s happening.

Ash - has loads of knowledge and been so helpful.

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