: Share Your Story

Discuss what it's really like with your peers

9 replies

My boyfriend is addicted to cocaine, how do I help him?

I have been with my partner for around 9/10 months now. He’s a wonderful man, works hard, faithful & our relationship has been full of love, happiness & laughter. Until now...

Since lockdown he has been drinking more which has led to him relapsing on cocaine, he was clean for a while before we met. It started from him doing a line with drinking & through the weeks has worsened to him doing it at work, drinking after work. He’s become distance, absent, lack of sex drive.

We have no stress, financially we are good, we have no children so no additional pressures. I do not know what has triggered this behaviour.

He has left me in the last 2 days, he had an episode of doing cocaine and downing a bottle of vodka within an hour, I am a nurse and the best thing for me to do was to call an ambulance; I would never of forgiven myself if he did not wake up.

Upon calling the ambulance for the first time he become aggressive & verbally abusive and just not him. I’ve packed his things now, he’s gone back to his parents & hasn’t tried to contact me, or even try and show any remorse he’s just said ‘I’m lost atm, I’ll collect my stuff Sunday’.

I am heartbroken, I’ve blocked his number etc as I can’t talk to him right now, I don’t know if I can ever get past this, it’s not what I signed up for. No one has a clue about his habit apart from me and his family, I don’t want to talk about it to people as I don’t want them to have a negative opinion on my relationship. I’m so broken right now x

3 replies

replying to Shan1234

Hi Shan1234,

Your story really resonates with mine so I can completely understand how you're feeling. I had been with my boyfriend for a similar amount of time, and we were in a loving, happy and committed relationship. When we got back together (we had broken up a few years prior due to drugs), he had been clean for a few months and was fully committed to this 'new life' and staying sober. However, he relapsed a few months ago and struggled even more so having to go into lockdown away from me. I tried to support him, but I couldn't help but get angry and upset when he would get blind drunk as I knew he was choosing to go down this path again. This then led to him being distant breaking up with me abruptly, telling me he 'doesn't know what he wants' and that he doesn't love me and needs to be on his own. Which came a shock to me when just a couple of weeks prior he was gushing about how much he adored me. None of it made sense. I sent him endless messages of support even though I was hurt, I got stonewalled. So I then decided to stand up for myself, and I got hurled loads of abuse back, with him telling me that I'm the one who needs help, I'm selfish etc.

We haven't spoken since and it's now been over a month. I'm still waiting for him to get in contact, and I have no idea why. I'm beside myself every day worrying about him as I know he's just gone down that hole again and I'm so confused with the sudden loss of emotion, no remorse and no interest in resolving our relationship when he said it meant everything to him just weeks ago. I too am completely heartbroken, there is no understanding or rationalising their actions.

I've been doing a lot of research in these past few weeks into cocaine and relapses. I think what I've come to realise is how much I underestimated the power that it plays on an addicts mind and alters their thought processes. You can't rationalise what they do. Once they're in the grip of it again, nothing else matters. If, like my partner, he saw you as a hinderance to him living 'that life' again and going on a binge, he will just shut you out and your feelings will not even come into consideration, they will not care. I only know this from previous conversations I've had with my boyfriend. I think deep down they do love us in their own way, but can't cope with life so will just shut it out completely rather than deal with it.

I think it's really important during this time to surround yourself with a support network. I think you should confide in at least one person you can trust, if not use this forum or call a helpline. My boyfriend has done this to me twice now over a four year period, so I think, regardless of if he comes back to me and apologise in the future, I think for my own sanity I need to keep moving forward because a life with an addict will always be painful and unpredictable, and I've had to learn the hard way. I am not saying you should give up on your boyfriend completely, but just weigh up your options. Maybe write him a letter saying that you will always love him and you are ready to support him when he's ready, so you've left that open line of communication, but don't wait around for him to change. Whilst we don't have children and financial ties, I think it's really important to put ourselves first and really realise what we need and deserve, which I don't think we will get from our partners in the long term.

I'm here if you need to reach out, it's a difficult journey. x

2 replies

replying to Mo229

I can’t ever thank you enough for this response. I’m sitting it bed having a good cry right now. Thank you for understand and I’m truly sorry you’re feeling this pain, because it’s painful. I feel like I’m grieving for someone who is alive.

Exactly what you said, either way I’m sad and scared because if I decide to forgive it means this will happen again in the future, this will not be the last time and I would be fooling myself if I did. But I feel like he isn’t going to come back this time now. It’s as though he wanted me to end it. Ever since lockdown he has found me a bit boring, we would always be out having fun, having drinks at the pub. Ever since not being able to go out and do all of this he always tries to get me to drink with him at home, I don’t because I don’t enjoy that I like to social drink and secondly because I want to help him by not encouraging. I’m 24 & he’s 36, I just want to shake him and scream and say ‘why don’t you dare why just why’ but I know you cannot make someone care. Hopefully one day this will all be a distant memory.

I can’t thank you enough for replying to me on here and taking the time to share your similar experience. I was a bit scared to use something like this.

If you would also like to talk please just give me a message, thank you so much again. I really hope things will get better and he will one day come to his senses but until then you just do you because you seem a wonderful person xx

replying to Shan1234

My story is on here also and Ive gone through and still going thru hell. I was with my partner for 22 years, have two children and have been left absolutely heartbroken to the point It nearly destroyed me.

Mo 229 you speak with such strength and wisdom. I am still Mending my heart. My ex partner went from a wonderful loyal family man that adored us all to a monster. I don't recognize him at all. It's been six months and he doesn't care, contact his children and has walked away, although in the end I asked him to leave. I had too. He cheated on me and this really broke my spirit. I don't even know who I am anymore.

All I do is focus on getting thru one day at a time. At first I was sad every single day but now I have better days. At first I lost weight, my hair fell out and I was broken both my heart and my mind. I push forward but it's so very hard every day.

Sending you both warm wishes and healing

1 reply

replying to Shan1234

You're most welcome lovely. It's a deeply isolating place to be, you're dealing with two different people, almost like schizophrenia (which can be bought on by cocaine). And essentially we're just dealing with grief of losing our loving loyal partners so suddenly with no real clarity.

When he first did this to me I was also 24, and believe me I hung on years after, I would continuously message him, constantly checking his social media, believing he would change and realise what he's thrown away for drugs. I really believed him when he said he had changed, hence why I took him back. And he was so convincing, every single day until one day he just switched again out of nowhere. And like I said even if he becomes clear headed again in the future, whats to say years down the line when potentially kids are involved, he will just switch again and again. I think until they are REALLY ready and fully committed, we are always going to lose. Your boyfriend is 36 and is still behaving like my 26 year old ex. He's not showing any REAL commitment to staying clean, and I despair that unfortunately I think that's the life they've been tied to now and they have a long and difficult road ahead. It's up to us now to not be dragged down with it too. You have done everything in your power to support your guy, he should have been so grateful for you calling that ambulance but instead you were hit with abuse. How is that humanly right? I'm 28 and you're 24, we are still young and have every option now to walk away from this mess whilst we can. For so long I've been depending on my ex for my happiness even whilst we were apart, I so desperately wanted to help him and I know I can't do that anymore.

For now, I've blocked him on everything, the damage is done and like you, I don't think I could move past what's happened even if he were to reach out. So I'm practicing some mindfulness, looking at this forum, healing myself and making some new plans for the future. Which I think you should too because we don't deserve this sh*t :) thank you for your kind words too, it's really helped to pick me up!

Kel1, thank you for your kind words, don't get me wrong, I have spent most of my days crying...I like to come on here to word vomit, it's a good form of therapy! I read your stories and I absolutely admire your strength, it's painful enough as it is let alone having them do it to your children as well. It's proof that drugs will literally come over EVERY kind of love when they're in the grips of it. It's unfathomable. You should be so proud of yourself for choosing a better life for yourself and I promise that you will find so much happiness again, things will only go up from now on. You would never have been happy staying with your partner whilst drugs are involved, and even if he came back, what he has done to you and put you through is unforgettable and unforgiveable. There are much nicer people who are more deserving of our love out there, I'm sure of it!

It's time now to heal ourselves! Sending lots of love and strength girls xxx

2 replies

replying to Shan1234

Hrm. It's tough reading this. I am on the other side of the fence. I'm the boyfriend/fiance with 2 kids together, a stable house, decent job and prospects.

Coke started as something others were doing on a night out. Then i tried some, enjoyed it, then carried on the more I socialised. Then people were doing it before work, they were high performers, I tried it, liked it. Went from there...

Now I have a secret addiction and I dont know why. When im sober, things are really relaxed and nice but the slightest feeling of frustration or irritation and I just go to it. It's a bit of a "ahh f*** it what does it matter" moment. Partially feeling like self-sabotage because im so low.

When I'm on it, I am distant, anxious, guilty and have some degree of excitement in my belly. Part of me wonders if I'm happy in the relationship, but I couldn't ask for anything better. I think I just seek space and to do 'bloke stuff' but feel like that's taking liberties because my partner is also dealing with a lot of stress and depression due to lockdown/kids/etc

It's a feeling of being trapped and coke/booze is an escape to an extent.

I have sought help and am working on coming off it.

Honestly, the thing that would really blow my mind is if my partner was like "right, kids are in bed, lets whack on music on, put a disco light on, get a deck of cards, have a line each and a couple of drinks and a laugh"

I think the concept of her participating sounds fun and exciting, but it would really hit home if she went through with it. I care for her, and wouldn't want her to get stuck in the same place I am.

Everyone's circumstances are different but I always like to approach problems by doing something completely out of the ordinary. The results are normally very interesting.

Wishing you all good luck and if anyone wants to chat feel free to get in touch

1 reply

replying to Mo229

Thank you for those words of encouragement, and you're right my ex has hurt me in the worse way, as well as his own children. I've cried and cried also to the point of exhaustion.

Addicts become very selfish and end up so unstable they couldn't sustain any healthy relationship anyway so it's impossible to see a future.

I'm learning to take care of myself instead of worrying about him and what he is doing. He doesn't look healthy, he looks awful. By the time his madness ends, hopefully I will be strong enough (and have moved on) to tell him NO thanks.

1 reply

replying to Mo229

Wow ur boyfriend sounds like mine! Crying one minute how much he loves me kids then disappearing the next it’s too much isn’t it and I don’t think they even realise the pain caused ?!! Sad thing is I have 3 boys who have lost a dad to it and he shows little interest unless suits him and has no remorse wat so ever it’s crazy xx

replying to lostbear

U sound like my ex boyfriend and how he started - we have two children And I had a son from a previous relationship which he took on has his own - he started slowly and I had. I idea I thought he was depressed drinking he would switch on me out of no where days after saying he loved me and begging for chances - our youngest is 2 Half and it’s gone on since I was pregnant he barely knows his dad - I ended up kicking him out but we kept rebuilding failing coz he wud switch and disappear every week - I couldn’t cope with it it made me so ill on top of having 3 children yet he dint get y I turned cold on him -will he ever ? He now still blames me as much as himself coz I reacted so badly to his ways but I had no clue wat he was doing until jan this year wen he told me- he said he wanted to rebuild get help and be the best dad - by the end of the week he’d gone bk to not answering the phone and I lost it I rang that phone about 50 times till he answered and he went mad saying I was psycho needed help and I’m being dramatic and to not ring him again- after that we didn’t see him till may my sons birthday- and he now denies it fully he said it’s laughable I think he has a drug problem?!! I’m so so angry at him I can’t get past it I wana shake him I just duno wat to do I duno where he lives or who with he lives a secret life and wants to just contact kids wen suits him then disparea again with no answers - my middle son his oldest is 7 and is very upset and confused by it all - he was meant to be probing himself by rebuilding trust and ringing him at 3pm every Tuesday my son sat last Tuesday and was let down for 3rd time out of 6 calls sat waiting for dad to ring him ! He had no reason wat so ever not to ! Iv now blocked all contact but I’m so angry I feel like I need answers I can’t get closure wat so ever like this I’m left to pick up the pieces and now questioninumy sanity - have I imagined it all? Am I being dramatic? Xx

replying to Shan1234

I don't think we will ever get closure or the answers we seek because what we are dealing with is an addict, and addicts are irrational, selfish, irresponsible, sick, manipulative, lying, selfish (oops said that's already) cold, self centered unwell individuals.

Focus on you. Otherwise you'll be going around and around in circles getting nowhere fast a part from making yourself unwell and as destructive as them.

Healthy people do not think, feel and behave the same way as an unhealthy person.

Big hugs

Please abide by our forum guidlines.

This forum uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

We use optional analytics cookies to help us improve our site by collecting and reporting anonymous information on how you use it.