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Advice please

I don’t really even know where to start if I am honest. Last year my eldest brother who is 32 tried to kill himself 3 times, each time he was saved (1 by a member of the public, 1 by a police officer and 3rd he was in a induced coma and survived). He has a gambling and cocaine addiction and is in debt of over 50k. He is in a really good job being 1 of the directors of a big company. He has a very toxic relationship with his girlfriend who stops him seeing his kids and ex wife. He has ended up arrested many time because of this.

Anyway fast forward to last week, my dad who was 72 took unwell with dehydration and was taken into hospital, they said he has pneumonia and liver damage. He also was a alcoholic and hid if from us all for a few years, he was never bad on drink but ultimately it caused his liver to fail. He then went into multiple organ failure and died last Saturday with my mum holding him in her arms. They were together for 42 years.

Since then my eldest brother was great for 3 days, telling my mum he would pay for the funeral and stuff, not to worry etc. However now it’s D day he has turned nasty, borrowed £500 from my other brother to pay off a coke dealer the day before he got paid. My brother has not yet had his money back. He is drinking really badly, taking coke and being really horrible. He sent me multiple messaged of abuse yesterday for nothing, that I was a bitch, a liar etc. I’m yet to understand why he thinks these things. He is trying for some reason to turn my mum and brothers against me. The only thing I can think of is that I am remaining strong for my mum, and I have paid for most of the funeral. Maybe he is jealous, maybe his pride is hurt as he is now meant to be ‘head of the family’ and me being the only girl and the youngest (I’m 27) has stood up and done the things he said he was going to do.

Any advice is welcome on how to deal with this situation at such a hard time, I am trying to keep it altogether for my mum and twin brother, but I am so close to exploding.

Sorry for the long story and rant, just a bit lost right now. Thanks

replying to JoPDM123


Firstly well done for posting, that couldn't have been easy.

You have an awful lot of stuff going on there.

The first thing is what about you? It sounds like you need to do what you can for you first in order to get through this horrible time and support your mum, as well as grieve for your dad. It wont be easy but somehow you are going to need to keep your brother at arms length for the time being as his issues, and they are his not yours, are making a difficult time even harder.

Unfortunately given he is 50k in debt it suggests he us a cocaine addict. This is likely why he is behaving the way he is - until he admits he has an issue, puts it down and starts to sort it out, there isn't a great deal you can do.

Do you have sufficient support right now, dealing with losing a parent must be awful

replying to JoPDM123

Hi Need to talk,

Wow, what a rollercoaster you are on, and well done for reaching out for support.

I agree with everything BT has said, look after yourself and be there for your mum. Does your mum know about his cocaine use?

Is his GF a coke user too? I'm assuming so. The problem you have is that 2 addicts are worse than 1, at least if one isnt then that 1 will try to help the addict.

I think it sounds like you wont get anywhere and you'll just get frustrated because being of sound mind, you'll want to scream at him.

Take care of yourself, I hope you have friends and maybe a partner you can also lean on for support.


replying to JoPDM123

Hi BT and Ash, thank you so much for getting back to me.

I have found out this morning that when he was staying with my mum the few days after my dad died he was using in the house. My dad hated drugs and I feel this is so disrespectful. He took it when my mum was in bed.

She doesnt, and when I try and tell her she doesn’t want to hear it. She feels she needs to be as nice as possible to my eldest brother all the time incase he kicks off or tries to kill himself again. This is extremely frustrating.

I have a lovely partner who is with me every step of the way, but also gets angry when talking about my eldest brother. Cocaine has made my brother very manipulative.

Since my dad died he keeps going on about ‘my dad’ instead of our dad to me and the rest of my siblings. Almost as if he is the only one going through this.

My dads funeral is next week and I just hope that he doesn’t start to cause disruption in the family even more before of after it. Personally I think a lot of what he does is for attention.

I have no started grieving for my dad yet, I haven’t cried yet. I have been so busy looking after my mum, her dogs, the funeral arrangements etc... I’m extremely lucky my work are giving me as much time as I need. But I am exhausted every day, I don’t sleep that well at night.

I have taken this afternoon to myself After being at the funeral directors this morning , I’m currently lying in my bed in the dark reflecting on everything that’s going on and happening.

Ash you are right I do want to scream at him, I want him to know it’s not about him right now, he doesn’t need to hit out at us. I know everyone grieves in their own way but there is no need for his behaviour right now.

I have blocked his number in my phone so I cannot be at the receiving end of his rage anymore.

Thanks again both of you xx

replying to JoPDM123


Sadly being an addict makes you incredibly selfish and self centred. You will hear that in any AA or NA meeting it comes with the turf. He is obviously a very sick person in need of some help.

It's good to know you have some support, keeping him at arms length is definitely a good thing for now to keep yourself safe

replying to JoPDM123

Hi Jo,

BT is right, cocaine makes you incredibly selfish in all aspects, it also can stir up aggression. He wont be thinking of anybody else in any of this. In fact sorry to say, but the fact your father has passed away to him, will just be an excuse to use and have a reason.

I used to joke that my husband just needed the day to end in a Y to have an excuse, its as simple as that.

Blocking his number will give him a reason to kick off and moan about you doing that to your mum, if I was you, I would just ignore his calls, or get your partner to answer the phone.

You are right to be worried about the funeral, in my experience, he could possibly start an argument, be an idiot, embarrass the family. The best thing you can do is remain calm, try to act totally normal to him, dont give him any looks or say anything, much as you may want to. Dont give him cause. I'm sure he wont kick off in front of your mum anyway, it sounds like he's playing the victim to her.

Stay strong, take all the hugs you can get, stay level headed and always remember, his actions are NOT your problem or your fault.


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