: Share Your Story

Discuss what it's really like with your peers

16 replies

My heart is broken again, 12 years of an addicted son

I have such a long story that is over 12 years old now & still growing. I dont know what to do with myself today or who to talk to. I cannot keep draining my best friend & I have no other support.

I had suspicions he was using again. My beautiful son has once again been injecting cocaine, using copious of amounts of valium & drinking. I should have listened to my gut. You would think after 12 years of chaos I would have lost hope. But I continue to hope. I am not naive in the slightest, I just hope.

So I am just home from making him see me for an hour. I had the usual anger & selfish responses thrown at me. He doesnt see the broken woman in front of him. I have other children that I now have to stop seeing him again, I cannot have them around him.

Last night I was told he was back at it. I vomited in my front room, then had a massive panic attack in my garden. I live alone & have no family around me so it was a scary evening. I just wanted everything to stop.

Ive been through hell & back numerous times. I thought this was all over. Its not just once either, its probably never stopped.

My heart is broken. I cannot function. I actually want to die right now rather than feel this pain. How can I work, I cannot even switch off to sleep. How can I not panic, Im on medication for it but its meaningless now. Im a poor representation of myself, my mental health goes sky high.

How can I keep this job, Im in constant fear so I cant be any good to anyone else.

I had learnt how to sleep again & stupidly trusted again. Now I return to racing heart, shaking & pure fear. Fear that he is going to die.

The last 12 years have been relentless. Ive spent so much time rescuing, worrying, looking, running, chasing. I have developed panic attacks (3 so far in the last year) & I have a tendancy to vomit when I think about what he does.

He has been in hospital so many times, Ive seen him in a coma, hes been resuscitated in front of me in his flat, been in ICU more than 4 times. Ive found him overdosed, Ive stopped him killing himself, Ive picked him in when hes beaten up & moved him to other places in the country. Ive paid debts, rescued written off cars, stood in court with him. Ive picked him up from the police station, drug houses. Hes cried in my arms, begged me to help. Hes got clean, each time he relapses its worse. He now uses needles. My beautiful boy injects himself. That’s what makes me vomit.

I cannot let my other children near him again now. He is their hero. But I have to say no. I have to look into his eyes & see the guilt & fear for myself. I have to face him when I feel so weak & so damaged by his actions. I have to bury my own guilt & repeatedly tell myself this is not all my fault.

My child for nearly 28 years is on the road to hell. He is a broken soul with the biggest heart.

Its consuming my brain. I cannot face anyone or even speak to anyone. Thank goodness for my best friend who is doing a sterling job of holding me upright. How can I care about anything else. Nothing else matters.

I feel broken. Like my actual heart is broken. I have no mum to hold me, no dad to carry me. I cannot confide in my siblings. I have no partner, no other half to hold me at night.

replying to cornwallmother2020

Oh my, I feel so sad reading your words. I know exactly how you are feeling, if only there was a way to detach. There isn't an easy way out of this.

I wanted so many times to 'get on with my life and let my cocaine addict husband do what he wants and not let it bother me', but how can you sit back and let someone destroy themselves right. Fact is - you have to, for YOUR own sanity, you have to detach. You can be there for support if/when he stops, but just don't put yourself through it.

Sending massive hugs, nobody deserves to go through what you are, you are stronger than you think, but dont let him take all your happiness away. Yes, you are his mother, but first and foremost, you are you. Please don't let him define you. xx

replying to cornwallmother2020

I cried that you had replied! Thank you so much. Already I dont feel so alone.

I am a professional & worked with vulnerable people my whole life. Ive worked in rehabs & with people detoxing from hard drugs. I know about detachment, but applying it when you are in the throws of panic is near impossible right? It will come but for today I am a stunned mess.

Thank you so so so much for replying

1 reply

replying to cornwallmother2020

This was the saddest thing. I am so sorry for what you're going trough. My heart is breaking for you and I can literally feel your pain trough your words. My boyfriend is doing drugs and it's killing me, I am anxious, depressed, suicidal at times, I can only imagine how it feels when it is your child.

I know this hurts, I can't even imagine the extent when it's your kid, but you have to find a way to find happiness, in a smallest things. In your other children, in your friend. Just smallest things, just something to get you trough the day. You are his mother, but not only his and not only that. You are here for a reason and you have to gather your strength and fight for yourself too.

I am so sorry, nobody deserves that, especially moms. I'm sending you lots of love and positive energy. Be strong!

replying to Eddie

Eddie thank you for your reply & for your concern. I really appreciate your empathy towards me. I have started to write on here as a release & Im considering a blog. I like writing & can express myself. I certainly slept a bit better last night after talking on here.

The hardest thing about it is he is my child so therefore I cannot walk away.

Im here for you too. I can listen.

Last night I distracted myself & today Ive been really busy with work so I have had no time to get upset. I just keep moving. Its when I stop that it hits me. So I dont stop.

1 reply

replying to cornwallmother2020

Taking drugs and being addicted is a completely selfish act , a choice they take when starting on this Horrendous journey . They only think of themselves and not the people who love them. They turn against us and use us . The drugs take control over their life’s and personalities. They become a shell of themselves.

It’s hard to sleep when worried about your children , it’s an illness but we all live in hope .

Sending hugs xx

replying to Jenny

Gosh it is THE most selfish thing. Sitting in front of them breaking your heart, rescuing from hideous situations, pleading with them over the phone, sending video messages when you cannot cope anymore. And they look at you, they tell you that the are sorry / they know they are hurting you. But they dont know. They dont have any idea.

"how do you think it is for me?" I hate it when he says that. I feel like screaming at him then.

Its been an exhausting week. I have had headaches, little sleep, eaten poorly & a panic attack. Yet I get up at 6am, work full time, parent two other children at home & look after my gorgeous dog. But how do I think it is for him????? How about how is it trying to work & keep your job when you want to curl up & cry. Or parent two children during a pandemic & not lose the plot so they worry about you too.

I envy people with a normal life. How do they live without the constant fear? How can anyone I know relate to me?

Apologies. That was a huge rant X

replying to cornwallmother2020

Gosh it is THE most selfish thing. Sitting in front of them breaking your heart, rescuing from hideous situations, pleading with them over the phone, sending video messages when you cannot cope anymore. And they look at you, they tell you that the are sorry / they know they are hurting you. But they dont know. They dont have any idea.

"how do you think it is for me?" I hate it when he says that. I feel like screaming at him then.

Its been an exhausting week. I have had headaches, little sleep, eaten poorly & a panic attack. Yet I get up at 6am, work full time, parent two other children at home & look after my gorgeous dog. But how do I think it is for him????? How about how is it trying to work & keep your job when you want to curl up & cry. Or parent two children during a pandemic & not lose the plot so they worry about you too.

I envy people with a normal life. How do they live without the constant fear? How can anyone I know relate to me?

Apologies. That was a huge rant X

1 reply

replying to cornwallmother2020

Sending a virtual hug xxx

I have found the more I try to help the more my son dislikes me for interfering/controlling his life.

Has your son got anyone he can talk to ? A favourite cousin/uncle/Aunt / Old favourite teacher - anyone ? Any local council addiction clinics ?

While he is using he will only Really listen to the addiction .

I believe the drug is Evil and selfish - an enemy of mine and wants to control his life , the life I gave him - but for the moment I think the best way to win is to step back , not interfere/help and let the drug think it’s won - Then when my son hits HIS rock bottom and PROVES he wants help I will help with every fibre of my being.

Although hard to do - you mustn’t bail him out it only drags out the ‘hitting rock bottom’ that he must reach before he can climb up again. Don’t lend /give money , I too wish I had a normal family , my stomach is forever knotted I feel like it’s been kicked by a horse. I also don’t sleep at night and trying to keep down a job . I cry when alone . To be honest I think I should get anti depressants - but am resisting.

I wish I could kidnap him for a few months to get the need out of his system but it really has to be them , they need to want to stop.

For your other children’s sake , and your own well being , and depending on your relationship with your son , tell him you love him , tell him it’s making you ill , tell him your stepping away , until he Wants help and proves it and mean it.

Have something to look forward too helps .

Xxxxx

3 replies

replying to Jenny

Thank you Jenny X

I dont get involved now. I stopped last year when everything spiralled. But he still gets rescued by family members & his partner. He has support, his partner is scarily naive but supportive non the less. He is involved with the GP, the local addiction service plus some older / wiser men.

Thats an interesting way of looking at things. I have seen his rock bottom several times though & then used everything I had to support him. It has not worked in my case.

I have not bailed him out now for a long time financially. He has not stayed here for a few months now as I no longer allow that either. He is good at working / earning money so does not come to me for that.

Its awful isnt it, the pain. Constant anxiety & then taking a HUGE breath as I realised Ive been shallow breathing for days through fear.

Im on medication for anxiety & depression, but when the s*** hits the fan I dont feel a thing from it. It just keeps me above water during the good times. He knows it makes me ill but I miss him so much that I cannot stay away. I saw him yesterday & he looked amazing, really handsome & healthy. We even had a dance around his kitchen for 5 minutes. But I know its temporary or a cover up.

Its hard to have something to look forward to at the moment right? I have sometime small later - the beach & the sunset with the two teenagers here. That will do for now :)

Thank you XXXX

Please abide by our forum guidlines.

This forum uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

We use optional analytics cookies to help us improve our site by collecting and reporting anonymous information on how you use it.