I have such a long story that is over 12 years old now & still growing. I dont know what to do with myself today or who to talk to. I cannot keep draining my best friend & I have no other support.
I had suspicions he was using again. My beautiful son has once again been injecting cocaine, using copious of amounts of valium & drinking. I should have listened to my gut. You would think after 12 years of chaos I would have lost hope. But I continue to hope. I am not naive in the slightest, I just hope.
So I am just home from making him see me for an hour. I had the usual anger & selfish responses thrown at me. He doesnt see the broken woman in front of him. I have other children that I now have to stop seeing him again, I cannot have them around him.
Last night I was told he was back at it. I vomited in my front room, then had a massive panic attack in my garden. I live alone & have no family around me so it was a scary evening. I just wanted everything to stop.
Ive been through hell & back numerous times. I thought this was all over. Its not just once either, its probably never stopped.
My heart is broken. I cannot function. I actually want to die right now rather than feel this pain. How can I work, I cannot even switch off to sleep. How can I not panic, Im on medication for it but its meaningless now. Im a poor representation of myself, my mental health goes sky high.
How can I keep this job, Im in constant fear so I cant be any good to anyone else.
I had learnt how to sleep again & stupidly trusted again. Now I return to racing heart, shaking & pure fear. Fear that he is going to die.
The last 12 years have been relentless. Ive spent so much time rescuing, worrying, looking, running, chasing. I have developed panic attacks (3 so far in the last year) & I have a tendancy to vomit when I think about what he does.
He has been in hospital so many times, Ive seen him in a coma, hes been resuscitated in front of me in his flat, been in ICU more than 4 times. Ive found him overdosed, Ive stopped him killing himself, Ive picked him in when hes beaten up & moved him to other places in the country. Ive paid debts, rescued written off cars, stood in court with him. Ive picked him up from the police station, drug houses. Hes cried in my arms, begged me to help. Hes got clean, each time he relapses its worse. He now uses needles. My beautiful boy injects himself. That’s what makes me vomit.
I cannot let my other children near him again now. He is their hero. But I have to say no. I have to look into his eyes & see the guilt & fear for myself. I have to face him when I feel so weak & so damaged by his actions. I have to bury my own guilt & repeatedly tell myself this is not all my fault.
My child for nearly 28 years is on the road to hell. He is a broken soul with the biggest heart.
Its consuming my brain. I cannot face anyone or even speak to anyone. Thank goodness for my best friend who is doing a sterling job of holding me upright. How can I care about anything else. Nothing else matters.
I feel broken. Like my actual heart is broken. I have no mum to hold me, no dad to carry me. I cannot confide in my siblings. I have no partner, no other half to hold me at night.