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Advice please

Hi, it’s my first time on here and I just want a bit of advice as I feel like I’m going mad. I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years, a few years ago we had a shocking family bereavement and my husband instead of supporting his family chose to take coke and had a few pshycotic episodes where I had no other option than to call the police, he thought they were all in fancy dress and imposters, they nearly sectioned him but the ambulance took him to hospital until he calmed down, similar situations like that happened over the course of the year until I eventually threw him out. He stayed away for about 6 months and to this day every time we have a row he said what kind of a wife am I making him go and live in a bedsit, he says I sold him down the river.

He came back home and everything has been good for the past year but recently I’ve noticed tell tale signs but he is so manipulative and secretive, yesterday I confronted him he came home from work on a Saturday morning completely off his box, he said he lost money in the betting office and that made him have a panic attack. I know he had taken drugs it was clear to see, my daughter was upstairs and because I confronted him he accused me of getting the kids involved and it’s something I should keep between just me and him. Since then he hasn’t spoken to me as if I’m the one that’s done something wrong. I told him today that I’m moving into the spare room as he won’t leave and he said I’m deluded if I think he has a drug problem. I can’t work out how if someone has done something wrong they can turn the situation round to making me think I’ve done something wrong by confronting him. I said to him today, you came home yesterday out of your nut with our kids here and that’s ok is it, his answer “it is what it is” so I guess and admission. How can you help someone that doesn’t think they have a problem.

1 reply

replying to Brookie10

Hi Brookie

Welcome to the forum, i just wanted to know that you are not alone and someone is listening.

Everyone on this forum has a loved one who is addicted to alcohol or drugs. There's also some people in recovery sharing their experiences and knowledge.

I'm in a slightly different position whereby its my adult son who has the addiction, so I do know what its like to be around someone who, is lying, manipulating, makes you feel like you're in the wrong.

Its a horrible existence for them, and for us as you feel you can't move on with your life.

Unfortunately I don't have all the answers, but I do know that it starts and ends with him. He needs to get to a point where he wants support and seeks help.

Until that day, it will be like groundhog day.

Read the other threads, when he's ready, there's AA NA and CA groups he can join, mostly online at moment.

First and foremost, look after yourself and your children, put yourselves first. He will not see the devastation he's causing, the drugs make them selfish and insensitive.

Stay in touch, im sure there will be light at the end of the tunnel.


replying to Lindyloo

Hi Lindyloo

Thank you so much for replying and I’m sorry to hear about your son, I hope things are getting better for you.

I honestly think I’m going insane sometimes, question myself and wonder if I have made it all up like he tells me I have, I hate the person I become in it all, End up turning detective and know it’s the wrong thing to do, but trying to detach myself is so hard at times. Groundhog Day couldn’t be more appropriate.

My caring, handsome husband turns literally into a monster who has no morals which is in complete contrast to the other side of him.

Thank you for your words of support and advice, sending love and light to you x

replying to Brookie10

Hi Brookie 10 I’m so sorry about what you are going through. When I heard your story I thought I was listening to my husband. He is an alcoholic. He denies being one always has. He has manipulated me to the point of me believing that I was somehow responsible. I was with him for 27 years we have been separated now for 1 year when I found out he was cheating.He found a woman who also drinks who enables him. I am currently going through therapy and the therapist has taught me 1. He is an ADULT and responsible for his own behaviour not me.

2. He is a manipulator and abusive and his alcoholism makes it worse.

3 I cannot help him no matter what I say or do HE has to go for help.

4. He will not change things will only get worse.

Life is not easy right now but at least I don’t feel like. It’s my job to fix him it is his.

replying to Brookie10

HI , don't knock yourself out trying to fix him the thats for sure , protect yourself and your kids , you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and live without fear in your home

He knows where to get help as did it before

Take good care

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