: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

13 replies

My partner is addicted to cocaine

Hi all,

Just looking for some support really, my partner of 7 years is addicted to cocaine and makes everyday a living hell for me. I'm constantly on edge, my anxiety is through the roof yet he carries on.

He spends days/nights away from home and doesn't answer calls or texts. He comes home and puts on some apology and that he will change, but never does he just ends up laying in bed all day. He hasn't been to work for weeks and if I try help him or tell him to get up he just throws abuse in my face. He came clean for 3 months last year because I kicked him out. But then when he came back he just has got worse. I really don't know what to do anymore. Feel its an endless battle.

1 reply

replying to Drained and tired

Hi D&T,

Bless you, I can sympathise with you, look back through my posts.

What is your life situation like, do you have a mortgage/kids etc?

It is a really awful rollercoaster than feels never ending. I have PTSD from anxiety from the years of being on edge.

You aren't alone, there are many people here that are going through the same as you. And when I say the same, the experiences are pretty similar, its like a coke addict has read a manual on how to act, and they do it, to the book.

Don't take this the wrong way - But there is nothing you will be able to say or do to stop him. Its a sly drug that makes people think its ok to use recreationally, then weekly, then twice a week, and before you know it you need it to feel normal, not good! I hate it with a passion, I would love to educate young people on what this does to you I would make it my life goal. Coke is glamourised on tv, and it really shouldn't be. It should, in my opinion, be in the same group as Heroin. But its not seen that way is it.

Sending love x

replying to Drained and tired

Hi,

Really sorry to read your post.

If you think it would help please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for people in your situation as we know that having to deal with an addict in the family is really tough.

We have trained and experienced people that you could talk with if you get in touch. They would be able to tell you what other help is available.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

1 reply

replying to Ash2013

Hiya ash2013

Thankyou so much for your reply it really made me stop and think for a moment. For the past 5 years its been nothing but hell. We have a son together and like yourself that is the only reason that I have stuck around for so long. I'm more heartbroken at how it affects our son, he is at an age (5) where he asks questions, wondering where daddy is, when he is on binge and doesn't come home for days on end. I worry 24/7 live life on eggshells about if he is alive or whether he is cheating or beaten up. The list is endless, even after the nasty comments he comes out with towards me, yet I'll still offer him coffee or make him dinner. I run around like a headless chicken after him, and it honestly drains me........when he was clean last year for 3 months he was bliss, but secretly I think he only really did it because he knew I had kicked him out and he thought he had lost me. It saddens me because deep down he can be a loving caring man. I spend most days on my own after finishing work, watch TV on my own, eat on my own.....and then when he's on a come down he is as moody as hell and just wants food and sex.

1 reply

replying to Drained and tired

Hi D&T,

I just wanted to reach out to say that I hear you and really sympathise with what you're going through.

My partner of 8 years has recently confessed his addiction to cocaine, and your comments about always being alone really resonates with me. I've added my story to the chat separately. I've often been at home alone over the weekend or dragged to some awful party with everyone doing cocaine but me.

I don't have any children but I hope you stay strong for your little one.

Sending good vibes your way...

replying to Skat

Hi skat,

Thanks for reading my post, it is so difficult living with an addict, and I seem to have found myself doing it more often than I should have accepted.

My partner is on a massive binge at the moment and he can't seem to get himself out of it, he hasn't been going to work so is at risk of losing hes job. He owes drug dealers money where he is constantly ticking...I send nearly every night on my own and he will come in at say 5am and then sleep for hours and hours. There used to be a time where I would constantly go on at him to sort himself out and to go in to work and worry, but now I have stopped because if he really wanted to do it he would do it. Dont get me wrong I worry every day/night about what could happen, can I afford my life, my house, my bills....but I have never relyed on hes money so I know I can cope without him. He is at the stage now where he just sits on hes own and if I mention it or ask him if he's going to sort anything I just get shouted at and told to leave him alone.

You try and put on a brave face, do the washing up, the hoovering, cleaning, baths, washing, making sure everything is running smoothly, but at the end of the day its draining. Its draining trying to hide there addiction from other people, I even looked in to rehab, but privately it is so expensive, and I wouldn't want to pay that sort of money for someone that could come out and get back on it. If they really want it they no where the help is, they just have to make that first step. Hope you are ok, and I'm here to chat. X

1 reply

replying to Drained and tired

Hi lovely,

I am sat here feeling so sad for you, you are living my life before my husband stopped.

I too used to do all you say, hold the house together, its basically like being a single parent, but without the ability to live your own life. My days comprised of taking our daughter to school, working, doing dinner, bathtime, bedtime, then sitting on my own with my heart racing, worrying about whether he was coming home, wishing so hard that he would come home, but then if he did and he was high it would be a nightmare as I couldnt hide my sadness. Not being able to rely on him for ANYthing, never asking him to collect his child because he might have been high, never being able to make plans to go out for dinner with my friends because I didnt want to leave her with him in case he used.

Hiding it from people and making excuses for him constantly, its draining.

I dont really have any answers, my husband is now in his late 40's, and he developed a hole in his septum, I think that partly helped him stop, because if his nose had ended up like Daniella Westbrook's he wouldnt have been able to hide it from his family.

He didnt ever get into debt with it because he can earn decent money, and had people around him holding his business together when he was absent.

I used to worry that he was dead on nights out, he would go awol, he'd tell me 'i'm coming home now, i'm ringing a taxi... then 4 hours later i'd wake up at 3am and he wasnt home, then I wouldnt sleep, but I still had to try and function the next day.

My husband also cheated on me, but then became paranoid that I had, such a mess was his head. It was such an awful time.

I just wish I had the answer for you, If I had my time again i'd probably still do what I did, even though it nearly killed me.

I hated Christmas because it would be another excuse to go out. And of course I never got decent presents, just some money thrown at me because heaven forbid any thought could go into choosing a gift that meant anything.

Please know you are not alone, and we are here for you xxx

replying to Ash2013

Hi ash2013

Its definitely a living nightmare, day in day out.. I know what you mean with not enjoying any occasion because they just ruin it from the start, your on edge all day and the build up to the day.

They find it hard to just sit down and relax and watch a film or TV with there family, he spends most nights away from home, he doesn't answer hes messages or calls, I sent endless messages and he may reply to one saying he will be home soon. But always ends up being 4/5am in the morning. I don't think I've slept properly for months, this time of year is supposed to be a happy time, with getting presents sorted and visiting santa and buying the Xmas tree, but instead I end up doing most of it all on my own because he hasn't come home, or is stuck in bed for days on end. I dread going to anyones house for drinks or anything that involves socialising with him, because he instantly ruins it by getting cocaine. And when he is high its such a waste because you cant talk to him because he is on another planet. I'm glad I found this site though it seems to help me vent my anger and stress from it all. X

1 reply

replying to Drained and tired

Hi, I'm an addict in recovery. I have come across this site looking for some support for my personal problems.

I have qualifications in mental health and substance misuse. Cocaine is mentally addictive and its likely that your partner is using because of problems or trauma experienced in the past. Consciously or sub-consciously.

As an addict who is clean now, I can say from my experience that he most likely does not understand the impact of whst he is doing. He may acknowledge them to you but he actually just wants to placate you and until he recognises and understands that he could use some professional help, he most likely will not change.

When I was doing cocaine, I genuinely could not understand why everyone had such a problem with whst I was doing and eventually I isolated myself for my habbit.

Seek professional help, encourage him with support and try to make him realise what he is doing to his child as social services would deem it neglectful and would advise that he stays away from you both.

Good luck xx

replying to Char87

Thanks, I understand it is hard for an addict, but my partner just doesn't seek any help whatsoever. He knows there is a problem, but he just chooses the wrong path each time, he is missing work because of hes addiction, I'm honestly tired from it all, its the same every single day, I go to work and wait for him to get "bored" and then I get a message saying he has picked up again!!

When you say seek professional help, where do I start in getting him help. Or am I just wasting my time. Thanks

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