: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

replying to Drained and tired

Hi Drained & Tired,

I was hoping to hear from you, i'm sorry its still the same for you.

Honestly it is draining, I understand how you feel. My husband managed to quit without help, there was a defining moment for him I think. At some point he could see what he was doing was wrong on so many levels, his detachment from life, his inability to have any empathy, his health, his focus.

Mind you, this was going on for years before he had this moment! He would love to be able to do it once or twice a year at a party, but he realises he is unable to, and its like using the analogy that you wouldn't have a drink once or twice a year if you were an alcoholic would you?

How old are you lovely? x

replying to Drained and tired

Hi,

Please contact us at The Icarus Trust as we may be able to help you and your partner.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

1 reply

replying to Drained and tired

Talk to anyone you can D&T, icarus helped me.

Don't suffer in silence. I'm 45 and having lived with an addict for the majority of the last 15 years, I have PTSD and anxiety because of how I was treated, how I dreaded situations, how I reacted etc.

Don't let yourself get to that point. Your happiness is the most important thing. You really do have to be selfish and look after number one, and 2 (your child).

x

replying to Ash2013

Hiya ash2013

Thanks again for your replies, I feel I am on simular levels as you where when your husband was using. I'm honestly so drained from him, if I'm working he is on the phone as moody as sin asking when I will be home and exact time. Constantly dictating my life, yet he is out constantly having hes cake and eating it! Like he has a work Xmas do on the 23rd Dec, he says I have to find childcare cover so he can go...... and normally he looks after our son on Saturdays as I work most Saturdays, yet just lately he has said he is working because he knows he will get paid for it so he can get hes drugs! I have said to him this can't be a permanent thing as I can't keep finding childcare cover. And not seeing any of the money he earns.

So I end up skint, searching for childcare all while hes out of hes head.

I can never relax or make plans and actually enjoy them because its constantly on my mind that he will somehow ruin it.

He talks to me like absolute sh*t when he's on a come down and then he has this sudden burst of fake energy where he will walk round the house as if I'm invisible and whistle and just throw nasty little comments every now and then. And act dad of the year! This is when I know he wants to get more drugs, because he's moods are all over the place.

I'm 30 and should be happy and enjoying my life but feel its just drifting away because of him.

Just don't see the point in me getting him any help, because if he really wanted it he would do it himself. X

1 reply

replying to Drained and tired

Sweetheart, you do not need to go through this on your own. Think about this, what are you getting from him? Anything or nothing?

You are still so young, happiness can be found. Do your parents know? Mine didnt/dont, because I couldnt face telling them.

I remember once I was away at a work event, and I had 43 missed calls in less than 10 minutes because our child had been sick. I was constantly on edge, not able to ever enjoy anything, my mind was preoccupied all the time. You can't live like that forever.

It definately sounds like you are going through what I was. Its like cocaine addicts have read a book on how to be, and they all follow it! Its remarkable really.

Can you leave? I mean do you rent or own a house with him. I never left because I was worried what he would do, I suspect you feel the same. I'm not ever going to tell you what to do, because all my friends told me to leave, but for some reason I couldnt. I wasnt strong enough. Thankfully now I'm in a good place and so is he, but I wouldnt wish what I went through on my worst enemy.

Could you talk to him when he's straight, not high and not on a come down? I mean I appreciate those times are few and far between, but thats the only time that he would be in a position to hear anything.

Take care and I'm here xx

replying to Ash2013

My family found out last year July, I had had enough and came out with everything, told everyone....he then went on the missing and dint see him for months. He then decided he was going to get clean and go to meetings, I feel that he only really done all this to get me back.

I gave him another chance, and for 3 months he was clean, then he slipped up and then kept relapsing if thats what you want to call it.

I rent my home and its just my name on everything, I could leave but just don't have it in me for some reason to leave. I don't know whether its where I have become weak from it all or what. Its mainly because I need him for certain aspects of childcare when I work, and he plays on that all the time, so basically because he knows I need him he just does exactly what he wants.

Like tonight I've cooked dinner done housework the usual things, have said to him could he collect our son from hes childminders at 5, he agreed this at 4pm, he said he was just going for 1 beer with a work friend. 5oclock comes I receive a text, oh sorry I've lost track of time just finishing my pint could you collect him? I was fuming, and so upset because I knew exactly what was coming....he will be out now for the whole night because he has obviously got it on tick again!

Am supposed to be taking my son to see santa at the weekend and I've told him he's not welcome as he ruins everything before it even happens.

Thankyou It feels so nice to be able to talk to somebody about it, especially how I'm feeling right at this moment. Xx

replying to Drained and tired

Hi lovely,

You've got to take care of yourself. If I was you, I would ask him to leave at a suitable time. He needs to understand that you love him and you care about him, but that his behaviour is intolerable and you are unhappy.

If he won't leave then could you go to your parents on a temporary basis? He needs a shock to his system, and he needs to be shown that you can't live this way together.

I used to get 'you can't control me, I wont be told what to do' so I get the above won't be an easy path. He needs to see that you're not controlling him, you are controlling yourself and taking care of your child.

Can your parents look after your child when you work? xx

replying to Drained and tired

Hiya,

I hope you’re okay.

I just want to say I am 100% with you, here for you, understand you and respect you for recognising the problem.

My partner was an addict but in order for him to get clean I had to take full control over his life for around 4-6 months. It was absolutely horrible, draining, frustrating, heartbreaking and I just didn’t feel like myself as it literally sucked the life out of me trying to get him clean.

He had to remove social media, show me his phone so I could go through his contacts and delete and block the dealers numbers. I asked him to remove and block a friend who was also an addict. I moved him into a different environment, I would randomly drug test him twice a week, I went to AA meetings every Tuesday night with him and would sit in a pub or bar on my own for an hour, we’d talk a lot, call people for help, I went to the doctors with him but ultimately I said to him I would leave and he would never see me again if he didn’t fix this problem and as difficult as it was I had to be strong but so did he.

He’s been clean a year now and we love each other dearly. The trust isn’t there fully and I am really traumatised and looking for help myself but I just wanted to say you can get through this. With or without him. It’s so difficult and I think not many people understand how difficult it is for the partner of an addict.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope this helped x

replying to Drained and tired

Hey I was drawn to this post by your 'drained and tired' username. That's how im feeling, just exhausted by trying to work out what to do next for my husband.

Its helpful reading these posts and knowing that others are going through almost the same thing- although so sad that there are so many of us.

Ive no idea what to do next but reading these is helping me think about options.

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