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my story of 7 years with an addict partner.

Hi All,

This year has been very tough and earlier in the year I found this website and reading other peoples stories was just the help I needed at the time when the scenario was at its worst and I felt like it was driving me mad (from reading on here I learnt this was quite normal amongst all the partners to addicts).

So I wanted to share a bit of my story and then bring it up to the current and welcome other peoples advice on this.

sorry this will be long.......

so to begin,

I met my girlfriend nearly 7 years ago,

I was a 27 year old male with no kids or long term relationship experience

she was 30 with 2 kids (daughter 14 son 8) and seemingly all kinds of horror stories with ex's.

At the time her life was quite a mess, she didn't have a job and she smoked weed all day every day and often doing cocaine too, and she had been told her landlord was evicting her but the council wouldn't help until it has been to court etc and then step in on the day she becomes homeless.

The house was a mess and she didn't have much in general and life had no structure apart from the routine of drugs.

I stuck with her through this and in some ways feel there is something in me that must have felt drawn to want to help and that's perhaps why I jumped into such a complex relationship (it certainly wouldn't have been what I would have ever seen myself doing if you were to state your perfect partner etc, but that's love)

After the eventual eviction (which wasn't her fault) she was moved into a temporary council place and eventually got a permanent home.

This all helped turn her life around as it meant she didn't live so close to her drug dealer and after countless fights with me she had eventually realized that she had a problem and needed to sort it out,and for quite a few years things seemed a lot better.

Once she got permanent home I helped her make it nice and she could settle into being secure and got herself a job again (most of her work experience is as a TA in schools and despite her home life I believe she is good at this job and the kids all love her because of course they like most people only see the good her, the side I fell in love with that is a good and caring person as opposed to that monster addiction makes people become)

But at times things have still been very up and down,

Like most of last year she seemed to be drinking a bottle of wine pretty much every night and of course that isn't good for anyone's mental health.

But at new year she stopped everything, even drinking coffee etc and eating chocolate, and the first 2 months of this year turned out to be the best 2 months of our entire relationship, as the whole relationship has always been like a rollercoaster with her very extreme mood swings.

At this point in time I was fooled into thinking things could never be as bad as the past, I WAS VERY WRONG.

towards the start of lockdown she said one night she fancied a bit of coke and picked up £40 worth.

The next night she said she wanted to do it again as the stuff last night wasn't very good so she wanted to try a different dealer.

On the 3rd night she mentioned doing it again, at this point I spoke up like "what are you playing at, you've already wasted £80 this week on it".

also around this time there seemed to be a lot of arguing yet I never knew what it was about, just a lot of tension in the house,

I was quite annoyed too as I was spending all this furlough time trying to do stuff around the house like fully decorating her sons bedroom as well as doing the kitchen and bathroom as well as countless other small changes to things everywhere in general. (I should add due to the endless ups and downs I have never moved in with her so I am doing all this to make her home nice)

and throughout all this work I was doing I felt like she wasn't helping, and often would just sleep all day etc.

At one point her daughter (who is 20 by now) got some weed from her Dad and my girlfriend and her daughter would smoke this together.

I felt this was completely out of order, and feel sick thinking about it, after all the damage weed has had on the family I didn't know how the pair of them could trivialize and romanticize the drug.

Anyway so as things progress, I eventually learn my girlfriend has been doing a hell of a lot more cocaine secretly throughout lockdown, she is back working too as schools were only briefly shut, although she did then have holidays,

after catching her I didn't go mad, it was a relief to find out as I felt it explained so much, all the arguing but not knowing what the problem was now made sense, she was pushing me away so I would go home and that would make it easier for her to do the drug.

So I felt now the secret was out we could start to fix things,

her daughter was also aware of this and at this time she was very mad too and I felt her daughter was the only person who understood how I felt as we were both hurt by the actions of the same person.

so all the usual stuff happened that I read in everyone else's stories, she carried on secretly doing it, and I would start spying and looking through stuff to try and catch her red handed etc as many other partners have mentioned, you feel like you have to prove it as they are such good liars so just a suspicion or circumstantial evidence isn't enough and they will never admit anything even when faced with hard facts either.

I was good at finding the proof and kept doing so, which would either result in her breaking down sad or acting all defensive about me looking through her stuff,

even many times saying she only does it because of me because she is rebelling against me trying to control her.

obviously this is total crap, anyone trying to stop a drug addict doing drugs isn't doing it for a sense of power over a person, but doing it out of love to try and stop the person betraying themselves.

So to move forward, eventually I managed to get her to let me help, after I discovered she was in various financial problems with pay day loans etc,

I said I will only help if she agrees to let me in, I need to know everything and be given access,

She did this , which felt like progress, but without doing so I really don't know what else she could do as her money problem would get worse and worse.

I paid off all the different pay day loans (something that should be illegal in the first place as the prey on weak people in the same way drugs do)

I also learnt that she had a huge bank loan (10K but thankfully banks have fairer interest) and also she had been using money from her sons Dad that she is supposed to put in her sons account.

So since then things had been better, I could see her email and bank and try and regain some trust that she had stopped based on the fact that I would know where her money was, and also she is paying me back, I haven't offered to pay this stuff for free, but I don't mind waiting a while, also the bank loan will be carrying on with her bank as I wasn't willing to pay 10K.

so whats gone wrong now?

well shock horror, a few weeks ago her daughter decides to get some weed again,

and as before this becomes a mother and daughter activity, her daughter can't even roll so my girlfriend has to roll her drugs for her.

I tried saying yet again how wrong I think this is and how its the sort of scummy thing people on Jeremy Kyle do and she is better than that.

She refuses to see it any different once she wants something though,

and so for weeks now it has become a daily thing of having a spliff

Maybe I could deal with it better if it was occasional but its the fact that its all the time, and each time it runs out her daughter has bought more, so I now see no end in sight and have completely lost all hope.

I feel utterly betrayed by her daughter as she knows about all the addiction problems her mum has had, and even said to me earlier in the year about how shit a mum she was growing up as they grew up poor because of her mums weed habit and the house was nasty and no holidays etc.

So I cannot for the life of me understand why she is now the one getting her mum back smoking again, and she somehow thinks it is ok because her mum isn't having to pay for it.

I have done so much for nearly 7 years now to try and give the family a better life, stuff like holidays and making the house nice, and also fronting cash, like for example her daughter went to college and that was over £2000 and whilst I was paid back it was still me who fronted the cash so it could be possible at all.

And just countless things I have sorted out and tried to make the whole families life better and easier and drug free.

So it all came to a head Saturday night, My girlfriend had already drunk a bottle of wine and then when her daughter got home from work they of course wanted a spliff again.

I couldn't not say anything as it drives me mad,

and in the end all 4 of us are in the daughters room with my partner skinning up (yes that's right the 15 year old son who has spent his whole life watching people do drugs gets a front row seat)

and basically I was just saying how wrong this is, that this isn't normal behavior etc and her son shouldn't be brought up to think this is normal because it isn't.

then her daughter started having a go back at me saying how it is her drugs and its only weed so its not a big deal, and I said how you thought it was a big deal when it was coke, to which she said yes but that's different, and I said how is it different? and she mentioned money etc and I said if its so much safer than coke why did my girlfriend spend all of the sons disability money growing up on weed instead of on providing for him.

they then said I was being manipulative, on the one hand maybe I shouldn't have said this, but it is true, and surely doing something like that is worse than me saying it.

Eventually her son spoke up and said I should leave.

at this point I retreated utterly broken.

I am fighting for his welfare to try and make their lives better yet they both defend their mum to do the very thing she has ruined their childhoods doing.

I realized at that point I am fighting something that cannot be won.

I grabbed my bag and left.

and haven't heard anything from any of them since.

Obviously I don't want it to end like this, I feel heartbroken to imagine not having them in my life,

and that's another thing, I've invested all this time into making her house nice and loving the family and our 2 cats, and now I lose everything because of her choosing drugs over me yet again.

Just doesn't seem fair.

I feel now that It was my mistake to think you could teach people to have a better life, they have grown up in such misery that it is all they know, and the 3 of them will always make anyone else an outsider no matter what.

and that's how it felt, like I was saying all this stuff for the best for everyone but their mum has them so under her spell that I was being viewed as just another abusive boyfriend.

She even said during the final scene, "every man that comes into our lives just wants to control us".

I guess it is true, I am trying to control drug addiction, what sort of asshole would I be to stand by and watch.

I should add, I am not a drug user, I don't drink or smoke or anything, maybe that makes me worse as often people who don't do the thing at all have the harshest views of it.

I have smoked weed as a teenager etc but its just not something I am interested in as an adult, I have never had a drug addiction and my life doesn't rely on things like that.

Also, I am not a violent person in any way shape or form, and they all know this and would never view me in this way which is why I felt so hurt at the end being made to look like ex boyfriend's who she would argue with a lot and things had been violent as I don't believe my arguing out of total despair at the situation compares in any way to previous arguments with ex boyfriends that were also drug users etc.

I am now in limbo, I don't know if she is upset or angry or what, I am not contacting her and so far she hasn't contacted me,

Its her birthday and then xmas next week so I feel it is the worst time of year for all this but I still don't see how things can ever be ok now I feel like its all 3 of them against me, its completely broken things as previously it always seemed like the kids realized that their mum was hard work and that I have put up with a lot and that I have made a lot of positive change in their lives and tried to bring about a sense of stability etc.

I am obviously already at my wits end after all the cocaine problems earlier in the year and feel like just as we are getting over that we are now back to something else (drink and weed again) and its so hard to see things ever changing. It will always be ok for a bit and then the next thing will come along, and the hardest part is that when she's not in this weird grip to things, she can see it all so clearly,

Like when they had the weed at the start of lock down, after a week or so of doing it every day they actually decided to chuck it away as having it there meant she would keep doing it.

So why can't they see that now.

She just maintains she is doing what she wants and I can do what I want and need to stop trying to control her.

I really do despair.

any advice, and sorry its long, I bottle things up.

1 reply

replying to Davidk

Not being funny mate but you sound like a good guy , you don’t have kids either , pack your bags and do one ... id be gone smoking spliffs with your kid is just trashy as hell , go get a single girl with no kids and move on , I know your going to say but I love her and it’s not that easy but trust me it’s now inevitable.. .. lay down the law iff she laughs and keeps drugging then do one

1 reply

replying to Davidk

until I read your testimony, I thought I couldn’t meet a good, honest, selfless and dedicated man. But there is hope of meeting one here in Brazil then. May God help you in what you have done that is within your reach, we can only help those who want to be helped. And we have the frustration of being rejected, having been good. I liked 5 months of someone addicted to cocaine, he just says he wants to leave but does nothing about it. I gave advice, and he walked away from me, because he said we were going to get hurt. I'm sad, but I understand you. I bought medicine for him, paid for our dinners, but they are manipulators because the drug is more attractive than any human being who wants to help them. Listen to the colleague above, meet someone who values ​​your every action, you deserve someone like yourself, dedicated. The drug leaves the person ungrateful, selfish, without empathy. Strength to you.

1 reply

replying to Johnboy44

thanks for the feedback, I wasn't sure if I sounded like a snob and over-reacting about the whole current weed thing, as I'm sure if she tells any of her weed smoking friends what happened, they will all tell her she hasn't done anything wrong etc because they would be smokers too and also argue that her daughter being 20 makes her an adult too, but I still don't see any excuse from either of them.

I know what you are saying is good advice,

but of course I do still feel that I love her, and feel like by leaving I am giving up on her.

also, when she isn't in the selfish grip of drugs we are amazing in a way I really never thought possible, so like all the partners of an addict, we cling on to the good side of them.

Also although the kids aren't mine, I have spent nearly 7 years trying to be a good role model for them too so by leaving I am walking out on that as well, although from how things went the other night, I don't think my attempts at positive influence have amounted to much after all.

1 reply

replying to Dre80

thanks for reading my story and the kind words,

you are bang on with your final line

"The drug leaves the person ungrateful, selfish, without empathy."

sadly this is so true and the partners are always left feeling second best to a drug.

ha yeh perhaps there is still a few good men left in the world and I hope you can meet one of them.

2 replies

replying to Davidk

Hi

I’m now single, no kids, and spent just over two years trying to help my much older boyfriend.. 20 years difference between us.. he’s older.. despite being pensionable age he smokes crack .. and did heroin at one point.

You get no thanks trying to help an addict. You just waste your life and lose your sanity and happiness. Get out and count your blessings because you deserve better. Stop thinking with your heart because trust me, addicts don’t go too sentimental as long as they have they crap to take. Life is too short and there is a lovely lady out there that deserves you.

replying to Davidk

your story moved me too much, it made me want to hug you. I felt your pain. A great reference for children, but we can only help anyone who wants to! unfortunately cocaine affects empathy, sense of judgment etc, I studied so hard, to understand this guy that I was with for 5 months. You did more than she deserved, and the person's next comment is very real, they don't care. Knowing someone who values ​​you, I also hope you meet someone nice. It's never easy to leave, I stayed a lot less time and still think about him, sometimes I write to him, but he has more rewards on drugs. He wanted weekends for that, to use, to be terrible the next day. I read on his cell phone, messages for prostitutes from websites, there was no continuity in the conversation, but whoever triggers to negotiate, someday already scheduled live, I believe! He gave me two STDs, I helped and paid for our treatments, he said it was many months before we met a girl he liked (he could be a prostitute on the site). I suffered, I was very patient, and nothing helped him stay with me, I insisted, he bit my arm once drunk. I forgave him. 5 intense months ... I imagine the reality of your 7 years. Cocaine won, my friend, let's be strong both of us. Make every investment you made for her, for yourself! I did like you, a lot, and they will never appreciate it. Spend it with yourself, fix the house for yourself. You deserve too much!

3 replies

replying to thelostone

Hi

Thanks for reading my story and your feedback

I know walking away is the right thing to do really but it is so hard to give up on someone and to stop thinking with your heart

We did speak a little yesterday for the first time since the big upset last week

She is still maintaining that she can do what she wants and is saying I was out of order being angry in front of the kids etc

That’s the problem when they are like this everything gets turned around and puts the argument onto a different topic and she is just so self destructive when she is in this head space,

I’m guessing all partners get the usual crap about how we are being control freaks etc and it’s us with the problem

But the problem is for me to stand by and watch and do nothing I would feel Is the worst crime of all

1 reply

replying to Davidk

She still doesn't give value, and blame you for.. you just tried to help her and her kids, you were better than she deserved, because anyone would stay so long being so mistreated. They have the cocaina and other drugs as their life, cocaine remove empathy, judgment sense, and most addictive are narcissist, because they want pleasure that a human being can't give in a way that cocaine do. I read so much about nucleus accubem..a brain part, that I was going crazy, trying to know the addiction to handle with the addicted. Was lost of time to help him, but this helped me to see that they only care about themselves.. . Even more if they don't want help and to get out first place. Many people here that have drug issues and they are trying to make huge efforts that I think admirable! But our savior behavior problem glue us on thoughts about them, to solve their lives, because we don't want to look to ourselves and our suffering to not find someone better, then... going after their dilemmas, distract us from ourselves and our own pain. Is one day after another... self value. Once here, I read something so painful (many things but..), if you have no kids with them (your own), RUN LIKE THE WIND... I don't remember who wrote this, but in portuguese, is so tough to think about that... RUN LIKE THE WIND, before you get attached, that you get involved.... before!!! In 5 months I'm broken 💔 and you with 7... more than me. And I suffer with you and I hope you get better each day my unknown friend.

replying to Davidk

There isn't anything you can do while she is convinced there isn't a problem.

Im quite sure her family life wasn't great and you can paint a long and tragic tale, but do you want to continue to be part of it?

You don't have children with her and one of hers is now an adult and the other is old enough to know better. You are right to feel hard done by on that front.

Part of the problem is you keep bailing out her bad decisions. So much so the consequences of her actions don't belong to her. She already is convinced you will go back to her if she creates the right situation and promises the right things.

The daughter's attitude to cocaine appears to be a financial one. Which means at some point she will either get on it or look for other options between the price of weed and cocaine.

So, I'd say, leave her. No doubt she will try things to get you back, but while she is happy to abuse so many substances and doesn't see it as a problem, there isn't anything you can do. She needs to reach an emotional and consequence low before she will even consider changing and that isn't going to happen with you around.

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