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Seems I Don’t know who my husband is...

I’m heartbroken - it’s Boxing Day and I’ve been sat on a car park for the last four and a half hours alone wondering what I’m going to do... please can anyone relate to what they are about to read ??is there hope??.

Will try to brief my story so here goes Been with my husband 11 years married for 5- he’s a good guy, outgoing , my friend as well as lover , good with our girls . We’ve been lucky to see a lot of the world before kids and when things are good they are great .

But I have thought his drinking was always a bit of an issue. He’s always been a bit of a drinker a couple of cans a night some on work nights and lockdown did no favours I realised he was not having any nights off from the drink and he is currently on meds for depression so I knew this wasn’t good.

he then started recently to sit up till the early hours getting really drunk and watching rubbish on the tele then not getting up the next day and being tired / hardly any motivation leaving me to it with our two small girls even the odd work day .

I’ve supported him over the years and encouraged him through his path the depression and antidepressants which he finally agreed to seek help was prescribed 2019 after many years of turbulent ups and downs .

We started fiercely arguing recently and one incident got shamefully bad this wasnt us. He is also constantly on his phone and never wants to really talk to me and doesnt listen when I did tell him things which had started to upset me massively

.So the last few months I kept saying I think you needs to review your meds there’s something not right ( doc says meds usually increase before drop back down again before eventually coming off and he’s been on the lower dose )

The times he’s come home with marble eyes and I’ve heard him slur the odd time - and there’s me confronting him because I thought he’d been drinking from the pub or his mates houses and so I asked him to cut the booze down as I didn’t want the kids thinking this was the norm ( which he began to do a month per so ago ).

Yet I had started noting a look about him on quite a few occasions like he had taken something , I knew he had casually done coke and other drugs when he was a teen and early days of us being together but he knew I wasn’t into that and asked him that he stopped anything like that after we married and we had the children .

I look back over the last few years and there has been a handful of times where he’s gone socialising with a certain set of friends who are into this scene and he has lied to me about taking coke and I’ve found him out. He’s promised me everytime that he wouldn’t do again and one off old times sake whatever and I swept it off silly me..

Please try not to judge me badly but this is how bad it’s been .he doesn’t know this but our car has a tracker on it and I became suspicious thinking was there someone else so I started digging and found these visits to one address a few miles away they were minutes brief but still I didn’t think it would be drugs, he’s talked about mates with bad drug habits and how it’s screwing up their lives .

Last straw was our little girl was suddenly taken into hospital a couple of weeks ago and I was in with her for four days poorly and he barely rang me and when he visited the once near the end of the Sagar it was a rushed flying visit and he didn’t even bring me a set of clean clothes - nothing chocolates for the nurses ?? .

So after that visit he made it seems our car had immediately been to this certain address again ... he was caring for our other girl during this time .

So I got out of there and one night I found out he’d met a friend somewhere and came home messy so I confronted him about drugs after 10 months of fighting with my paranoia - he confessed .

Short story - Turns out he has been doing coke ( visits to dealer 3 times at week at some points) there’s no debt as he has money but god knows what he’s spending , but his work he has his own business says the business has pushed him to this and that he can’t talk to me ?! .

he has hid that he had stopped his antidepressants ( he knew coke could react with them ) and had only just started taking them properly again in the last few day’s of me finding out but he was of a very low mood at that point .

I know absolutely this would of carried on until I uncovered it he said he was waiting for me to find out but he knew it had to stop and swore to me this was it ! he was so upset - crying and apologetic .

I was so shocked I felt so dumb and like a mug for days after - as I’d missed this... I thought he was cheating but the hurt I feel it may as well be .

He obvs has an addictive personality but refused to seek professional help , I didn’t want to leave him as I do love him but i don’t recognise this side to him I feel desperate and ill equipt to deal with anything like this .

I have no one to talk to about this as my parents would go berserk and never support him again If we were to get through this .

and so I’m putting on this acting role to everyone around us - this drug secret is heavy and really dark for me so this was two weeks ago - since then I’ve not been sleeping properly I’m exhausted , he doesn’t wish to talk about the issue again like it didn’t really happen.

I just don’t trust him and so I started getting paranoid again and when he came home from work I was looking again for signs .

A few days ago he got really drunk at home and I couldn’t be sure but I’m sure he’d taken something so whilst he was asleep I did something awful and went through his messages to his friends ( the ones who find this the norm) - I feel bad as I’ve never been like this but I was right to be suspicious - all sorts of convos going back to years ...some organising getting stuff, agreeing to go in on stuff, a conversation when we had been to the cinema with his “friends” literally msgs backwards and forwards to one another telling where they had left the drugs whilst I sat there oblivious watching this terrible film, and him saying to them make sure I didn’t twig . Another where it was dropped at our home again me completely unaware . And him talking about sniffing alone all night like it was drinking cups of tea!.

All I could imagine were the times that it wasn’t done by WhatsApp!!

So this takes me to Xmas eve he woke up hungover and he asked why I wasn’t myself I told him that the last two weeks had been hellish after what I discovered and I was struggling to trust him and I felt low myself ( I’m also recently on antidepressants and have anxiety and I miscarried our 3rd baby in Aug ) I said I felt like I had pressure on me but I held the phone snooping back- he said I had nothing to worry about .

He told me again that I needed to stop going on about it and he wouldn’t be doing it again and that he felt better now I knew he was happy and just wanted to get on .. he also dropped in ( second time ) that everyone does it these days?! I told him I didn’t appreciate his trivialising way with that .

We had a really lovely Christmas Day with our children regardless of the restrictions and I carried on - i was feeling positive and making plans for the year coming .

Then we get to Today .. we were meant to be going on a family walk but the toddler was due her lunchtime nap and my husband had mentioned he would like to watch football so I thought it would be nice for me and my eldest girl to go and him relax whilst little one was asleep .

So I had a lovely few hours walking with my eldest.

When I got home our youngest little girl was up and about but he hadn’t fed her a meal which I had asked him to earlier and had given her snacks instead ... his response to my questions were too apologetic ( sounds weird I know ) but I looked at his eyes and again I knew something wasn’t right.

So I quietly went off and rewound the cctv on our house camera and clear as it was day 45 mins after I had left with our eldest there some bloke dropping off drugs at our front door and my husband going out to collect them minutes later . My husband came over to me as I discovered this and with a vacant look asked me what was wrong - I said I think you know he went quiet .. I went mental and left the house the only response I’ve had was I think I’ve got a problem ...

What do I do ?! How many chances ?! I’m so alone I don’t want to go home I have no where to go and yes I love him but I don’t think I’m strong enough to deal with him , Ive had trust issues with previous partners and I’ve got myself into some terrible mental health situations Im not a person who easily trusts.

Any advice would be appreciated x I’m sorry if this is rambled to read it’s such a long and complicated story to how I’ve got here today x

replying to Purpleheart

Hi Purpleheart,

Welcome to the Forum, it’s a great place to start and share your story, lots of people on here in a similar situation.

My Son is an addict, alcohol and cocaine, he is doing ok at the moment, but before he said he needed help life was hell.

I hope you have gone home now, your girls need you as i’m sure you know. I understand completely you sitting in your car, sometimes you just need a bit of time to get things straight in your head.

Do you think your husband wants to stop with the alcohol and cocaine? He is the one that has to do it and find help. There are on line meetings for AA, CA and NA, they run all the time.

Have you got anybody you can confide in? His family perhaps. It’s hard coping all alone with this especially when you have a family. But you are not alone, keep in touch on here, it’s a great place to be able to chat.

I hope you feel better for sharing your story, it helps to get it off your chest. Take care of you and your girls first.

There is also the Icarus Trust who you could chat too.

Take care.


replying to Purpleheart

So I found out at Xmas my husband was using coke near enough every day in secret for months ( or at least that I knew if) it was around the kids too - one time whilst I was in hospital for 4 days with our youngest is just one example while he had the other child .anyhow it came to a head on Boxing Day ( as prev post ) and I threatened to leave with the kids and he swore to me that was the end of it and he had just had a “ blip” he had been struggling with work and lockdown .

Fast forward 4 months. For a few months all fine then Lockdown has started to lift and he’s meeting his “ coke mates “ again who have no issues with their habits - fine asking as it doesn’t involve my HB. Anyway He’s still drinking every single night ( always has had bit of a taste for drink ) but he seems to spends a lot more nights recently getting properly drunk , the rest a few bottles a night which I keep nagging that it isn’t Normal but he has no issues with it ( he is also on antidepressants can I add ) .

But for the last 6 weeks I’m pretty sure I’ve noted that “ coke “ look I’m pretty sure I have - he eyes are different and he treats me all softly softly - you would think the opposite but he knows better from the previous time I dug until I found facts what he had been doing.

The amount of times I have outted him on a paranoia argument recently - well I’ve lost count , I can’t help but get wound up when he’s gone meeting people who I know will be taking . I’ve become my own worst enemy and have told him what happened at Christmas with the deceit and lies will sit with me for a long time .

I know my marriage cannot continue like this - every day nearly I’m watching him , and I wonder is it the drinking or the coke again?! . I play happy families to my kids and yet I feel alone and am waiting for the next bombshell from him . I’ve lost trust on this aspect - I love him I do - but I have resentment deep down because of what he’s done I can’t se to get past it .

To make things worse there are certain friends who were part of his little secret previously popping up again for “ beers” after work - and he knows I’m suspicious of them - so I thought I’d test him ( horrible I know and I would never do this normally I swear ) but I asked to see his messages from this certain friend since our Xmas bust up . My husband stalled but showed me texts and WhatsApp but surprise all the conversation history is deleted on both - like he’s never spoken to him ever! . So I asked him how often he sees his friend - twice a week and said everything is arranged by phone . Thing is this “friend” previously used to msg my HB arranging the drugs/ drop offs etc.

My husband then stormed out taking the dog out - came back an hour later smelling of booze with the claim he deleted his messages off his friend because he had been asking for drug dealers numbers and wouldn’t like me to see that ?! ..... what am I meant to think or do ?! I’m an angry , suspicious, wife who doesn’t know what to believe of her husband anymore . It’s eating me up ... any advice or just to talk appreciated ... I can’t tell anyone x

replying to Purpleheart

He swears he hasn’t relapsed by the way .. but this behaviour doesn’t add up to me :(

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