: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

16 replies

Boyfriend left me to recover

Hi all, I need some insight into my situation because at the moment I’m lost. Doesn’t help that I have covid and am stuck in my house alone whilst going through a heartbreak so my brain is all over the place.

My boyfriend ended our relationship 4 days ago, he has a drug and alcohol problem (cocaine mostly) and he has said he needs to heal himself and he isn’t ready to be anything with anyone. He has assured me there is no other reason for ending it but I can’t understand why he has ended a relationship where he himself has spoken about us being forever, marriage and kids. We had even decided to get a place together when I have to move out of mine in 2 months time. We spent a lot of time together and yes I partook in the alcohol and cocaine taking but I can take it or leave it and there were times where I would tell him I didn’t want anymore, he would carry on til it was finished. Unfortunately it was me that funded most of it and now he owes me quite a lot of money as a result. I do feel like I slightly enabled him but I have told him that it needs to slow down when we live together and if we want to start a family.

Can someone please just help shed some light on why he would walk away from someone who wants him to get sober and is willing to help him anyway I can, someone he is meant to love and spend his life with?

replying to Lostgirl88

Hi lostgirl, welcome to the forum.

Everyone on here has a loved one with an addiction and there's also people in recovery giving advice and support.

Your bf hasn't ended the relationship lightly. It's good he needs to concentrate on himself at this stage to get well. My son also has alcohol and cocaine addictions. The alcohol triggers the need for cocaine and so he has to abstain completely.

He was told by his AA fellowship that he has to love himself first before he can love another.

My son also has no off switch with alcohol or drugs. He has an addictive personality I think.

We enabled my son originally, by paying his drug debts, but when he was serious about stopping, we bought his food, cigs etc.

My son is currently 70 days clean, I'm so proud of him, its been really hard for him to fight the demons in his head.

Read the other threads, adfam and Icarus trust have advice and support.

If your relationship is meant to be..im certain he will come back to you, you just need to be patient and he needs to know that despite his issues, you still care about him.

I hope this helps, im so glad he's seeking support.

Always here to chat

Lx

1 reply

replying to Lostgirl88

Hi. In my experience..... they walk away from the relationship to go on huge binges. They are able to switch off regarding us whilst in that frame of mind because their pull to C is far bigger than their need for us. This has been my bf’s behaviour pattern. At the moment we are off. I never know whether this is it, or another binge.

It’s heartbreaking being with an addict. Mine has been an addict for 25yrs.

We all know that we should walk away but our need for them is greater than the need to love ourselves.

X

replying to Hilton

I’m sorry to hear this. I know he isn’t on a binge, when he has at home (his mums) he doesn’t get on it as she doesn’t allow it and he is also waiting to hear back on a covid test. He binges when he is with me so he has no need to get away in order to do so.

He is being so cold towards me. Aside from a message on New Year’s Day asking how I was, the other messages have been very transactional about me dropping his work clothes off to him and the trainers I bought him for Xmas.

My mind is going off in so many directions, is it an excuse, is there someone else, does he really care about me or was it all fake

Argh!

2 replies

replying to Lostgirl88

Hi again. I’ve spent so many many days and nights wondering the same. We never know. You say he doesn’t binge at his mums. You never know. They hide it. If they are addicted, they are not able to turn that addiction on and off so easily.

I’m 52. Don’t get to my age, having wasted so much time on people that truly do not deserve your love and care. Addicts are extremely selfish. On 28th Dec, mine said he did not love me and told me to leave. On 31/12 he tells me he loves me like he tells me every day and was gutted we didn’t spend NYE together. On 1/1 he responded to my message to him with a cold response. I started chemo on 29/12. They are incapable of putting anyone before their addiction. Mine can be a knight in shining armour at times, but reality is that he is a selfish addict in tinfoil x

I honestly do hope your bf sorts himself out. Mine has been an addict for 25yrs, smoking weed daily and having C maybe 2/3 days a week, minimum xx

replying to Hilton

Oh I am so sorry to hear about your chemo! Wishing you the very best for recovery and I hope it helps!

Thank you for your wise words, speaking to friends doesn’t help me as they say all the traditional things and I know that the situation is totally different due to addiction. You’re right he could go on a binge and just hide it, he has been doing it long enough. Seeing what you said about your partners’ contact with you recently I can now see that even they don’t know what they want.

I was going to move in with him but now that’s not happening and I will just get myself a place, this is probably a blessing in disguise.

Perhaps he is doing me a favour and removing himself from my life as he is no good. Unfortunately I have known him for a very long time and know what he can be without the drugs and it’s so hard to watch him to do this to himself. He is extremely damaged, and if I’m honest there is nothing I can do for him, or to bring him back.

He is 35 and does C 2/3 times a week minimum too. He doesn’t smoke weed as it doesn’t agree with him, but if he is on C he will take approx 4-6 heavy duty painkillers or antidepressants to get to sleep, he then lets that take hold of him for a day or 2 and just sleeps whilst not at work and then he is back on it.

My rational brain is screaming at me to see this for what it is, but my heart is missing him terribly and would do anything to have him walk in that door and tell me he made a mistake x

replying to Lostgirl88

Hi. Thank you. My point is.... his jealousy and paranoia yet again meant that he hurt me without a care in the world, a day or two before I started chemo. That is how low they can be. Just pure selfishness, yet he is also the most loving man I ever knew. Pure Jekyll & Hyde character.

I have no clue if this is yet another cycle or if this is it, but I do know that I was correct in thinking he will never put me before C when it matters.

Big hugs and get out now if you can. I blame no one but me for sticking around too long xx

replying to Lostgirl88

So unfortunately I made the mistake of asking him to make time to speak to me when he picks up his stuff tomorrow, he sent a hostile response and said stop making this about us, it’s about me and that’s all there is to it.

Am I to take that as - he doesn’t care about us? Or us isn’t a problem and we are on pause?

Don’t think I can spend another day crying about this I’m exhausted and just want to run away

replying to Lostgirl88

Hi. That was why I said they are selfish. They only see cocaine and their need and their wants. You can never second guess what they mean because of the mood swings/irritability/irrational behaviours. Sorry if I’m just describing mine here but they all seem to have the same actions. There is no consistency. Pure Jekyll & Hyde.

I’m sorry. I’m in the same position as you at the moment. Is this the final split. Is it his come down days. I never know x

1 reply

replying to Lostgirl88

Now he has blocked me on all social media?! I haven’t bothered him hounded him been angry at him, nothing! I’ve respected his decision and played by his rules.

If I meant even a little bit to him he wouldn’t severe all ties with me would he?!

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