: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

2 replies

Partner cheating and taking coke

I’m feeling really depressed me and my partner have been together for 7 years we have a 4 year old daughter. Our life was perfect he was amazing, handsome everything I dreamed of but for the past 3 years he’s been using cocaine he admitted to me Oct 2018 after I found messages to some girl... I stayed with him and its just spiralled down hill, since then I’ve found multiple messages to random girls so I kicked him out Jan 2020, he went to his mams who isn’t the best influence and I turned up with his daughter as planned and he was asleep with some girl on the sofa, he forgot we where coming wtf! He says he only does it when he’s taken cocaine because it makes him horny and he thinks only about himself at that moment. I was heartbroken and still am because I know it’s not him, we stayed together through lockdown/covid and he’s continued taking cocaine every now and then, whenever I catch him out he’s genuinely remorseful crying begging me to stay with him and that me and our daughter are all he wants he doesn’t know why he does these awful things when he’s had coke... I don’t know what to think I’m so depressed and feel so alone I’m sick of venting to my friends I feel like I just repeat myself, I’m so embarrassed this is still going on after all this time!

He’s currently working away and I’ve found loads of emails of him trying to have a one night stand I can’t believe it again!!!! I’ve told him I know and he’s crying saying he regretted signing up he wasn’t going to do anything he was just horny and being a creep.. he said he felt sick after and was looking at photos of me thinking why am I doing this blah blah.... wtf do i do I know I need to leave him but I love him so so much I just want the old him back :( I want my daughter to have her dad around I worry what he’ll do without me as his own dad died from drugs.

Sorry for the long paragraph I have so much to get off my chest :(

replying to Lou26

Hey Lou, I'm sorry you're in this situation and of course you feel heartbroken, having being betrayed over and over again is no picnic and will in no doubt affect you deeply. Cocaine is the road to ruin, so many families/relationships ruined by this awful drug! In my experience this drug literally changes people, and they turn into the worse versions of themselves - monsters. Unfortunately, it's all about them and that substance! He is way down that rabbit hole at the moment by the sounds of it and my advice right now is to focus on YOU and your little one! No good will come out of you trying to work him out or understand his behaviours. He simply is in the midst of active addiction which means he is thinking only of himself and his perceived need for this drug. He really does need to help himself and he can by reaching out to local drug services/CA or other forms of support! It's really his decision to change - unfortunately this can take a long time! I remember someone telling me that it could take years for someone to start to recover from this drug, which upset me! Well, my ex partner of 22years is still using and we separated over one year - he is still living the same crappy life of drugs/girls and all the chaos that comes with that crap. I hear he is in debt -lots of it. I literally had a breakdown while I was in the chaos, and it very nearly killed me so please take care of yourself! We have two girls together and my ex has not seen them for over one year. He was once a good man and dad, but now he has completely changed.

As for the cheating, just because he takes this drug doesn't excuse his behavior and choices. He is fully aware of what he is doing and so please don't listen to all that noice about him being"horny" etc - that's just disrespectful! The bottom line is that he is choosing to take the drug knowing full well what it can lead too but he still carries on regardless! You are worth so much more than this. I stayed and tried to understand and work through things which lead to be breaking down. My advice is focus on you now, get some support Adfam and Al anon are good support. Speak to family and friends and try to understand that by you focussing on him will bring you down. The best way to help yourself is to let him get on with it and you start to heal yourself the best way you can.

Big hugs and take care.

replying to Lou26

I read your post and can totally relate. I found out my ex was cheating on me when my son was 4 months old. He had been texting the other woman at 7am while he was sober to arrange to meet her for sex late afternoon. When I confronted him about the messages he told me it was because he knew he would be taking coke later that day and it makes him horny! He told me he had a problem, and that he needed me, he cried, made promises he would get help but less than a month later he told me he didn't need help cuz he doesn't have a problem and it was all my fault he cheated cuz I had pushed him away. We are now 2 years on, and he has absolutely no remorse, he always admits he has a problem with coke when he wants to move back in, makes all the promises to get help and within less than 2 weeks, same scenario. He moved out 2 years ago now and his addiction has definitely got worse, he doesn't have anywhere to live and he says he can't afford a flat, he earns a decent wage so unknown he could afford a place but cocaine is clearly his priority. I still love him and if he accepted help I would have him back in a heartbeat but until he is willing to own up to his problem and do something about it, there's nothing more I can do. I feel better in myself since we split because I'm no longer dealing with the moods, the lies, the temper on a daily basis. It got to a point where I was living in fear because he became so hostile and unpredictable. I was constantly walking on eggshells and couldn't sleep, it affected by mental health and I started suffering with anxiety and depression. While I feel better in myself most days, I still constantly worry about him, and I don't trust him to have our son unsupervised as he thinks nothing of turning up to see our son under the influence of drugs. It's a difficult balance and I really don't know how to move on from it all.

Please abide by our forum guidlines.

This forum uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

We use optional analytics cookies to help us improve our site by collecting and reporting anonymous information on how you use it.