: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

3 replies

My fiance has a cocaine addiction. Do I stand by him after everything hes done?

Hi. I found this page as I need support.

My partner of 7 years is addicted to cocaine. I suspected something wasnt right for months and one day called his bluff and said I knew everything.. to which then he broke down and came clean about the drugs. He would tell me he didnt have a job or pretended he got paid less (self employed painter and decorator). So I was covering all the Bill's while paying for our wedding and buying everything for our kids christmas (2 kids aged 5 and 2) while he was feeding his habit.

I decided to stick by him and help him through. Only now I realise he wasnt ready for the help.

Fast forward a few months and he got worse, I found him in parties with just girls (he claims he was only using them for the coke). I'd had enough and he moved into his mums. Then of course spiralled even more out if control here.. he stopped coming to see the kids he was sleeping around behind my back while still making false promises to me. It broke my heart.

But I do genuinely believe theres a good person in there. For the 7 years we were together he was perfect, left notes around the house everyday. Treated me like a queen. But this drug has consumed him and changed him.

Hes now 2 weeks clean, has been going to several meetings, docs apps you name it. He wants his family back and I love him and want the same. But can he really change? I was due to be married to him in september and by december he was sleeping with another girl a week after I asked him to leave our home and sort his life out.

I want to believe it's been the drugged up binge thats caused this behaviour. I suppose my question is, once the drugs have changed who they are.. can they ever return to who they used to be? Does anyone have success stories...

replying to anon0801

Hi Anon, really sorry to read your post. I can relate in some ways, sadly not with others. I do understand how confusing it must all be, that not knowing what will happen. Do you know how long he’s been doing the coke for? Is he a drinker, if you don’t mind me asking and does he just do it off the knuckles, or does it smoke it too?

Are you managing to take care of yourself and your kids? To me, the question isn’t will he change, for me the question is will you?

With my bf, I do now have a level of acceptance that there isn’t some magic normal for us waiting at the end of a struggle where his life is drugs free and we’re happy. What we have right now/have had for some years is our normal, his addiction impacts him and us in varying degrees. Less so (thankfully) since he’s got older, but lockdown and covid has impacted us/him majorly.

Aside from the drugs issue, please please consider how binding a marriage is and ask yourself - “why do I want to get married” and to please be real with yourself, nothing wrong with that. You already have children (which can be one reason a couple gets married), so do you want to do it because you want a wedding? If you’re paying for everything, I urge you to be cautious, nothing wrong with waiting a bit. As someone who was married, i know that whatever horrible situation you think you’re in facing a drugs issue with your fiancée, having to walk away from a marriage is unimaginably and unpredictably hard. I’m not suggesting marriage is the wrong thing, I’m just saying, being uncertain about him and his addiction is perhaps not a strong foundation for a marriage, I urge you to be careful xx

1 reply

replying to anon0801

Hi. Thanks for the reply.

Yeah hes a drinker too so it started off as a party drug sort of thing then he stopped going out because that was causing problems but started taking it at work etc then. It's been a daily issue for about a year or so now (I only found this out in November).

The wedding has been cancelled because were obviously not in the right place for marriage right now. So that's not a worry.

Me and the kids are fine I've been focusing on them and myself since he left but I still love him of course and I suppose what I'm trying to figure out is if I can handle a life like this.. if it will get easier or if it's going to be a constant problem.

Hes seeking help for it all now and like I said has been clean.. hes doing it off his own back and not just to win is back so i am hopeful but i just dont know much about drugs and how the addiction changes them. Will he be able to be the person I met again or has he changed for good :(

Hes lied so much over the last year and it scares me x

2 replies

replying to anon0801

Hi Anon0801,

I've just read through your story and I'm sorry to hear about your situation and struggles with the addict in your life.

I myself am an addict, I had issues with cocaine for a good number of years, however more recently I was addicted to crack cocaine and heroin although I haven't used either of those drugs for a good while I can't really class myself as clean as I do still smoke cannabis. When I get the intense cravings for the crack I tend to use the cannabis and although not ideal it is the lesser of two evils.

I wanted to answer your question about whether an addict can be the person they once were before the addiction. I can only speak for myself and my experiences and I know that in active addiction the manipulation and lying about pretty much everything is standard behaviour but I found that when I stopped using the class A's and didn't need to find ways to get the money I needed from my family and friends etc the manipulation and lies stopped too. My friends and family keep saying they've got the person back that they've missed for so many years. From speaking to others in the same or similar situation they all say how freeing it is not having to tell and remember the lies.

replying to Jaynhissay

Hi, thanks for the reply and for sharing your story.

Well done for getting this far.

Yeah when he first sat me down and told me about the problem he was relieved that he didnt have to lie anymore and it was like a weight was lifted. But then like I said I dont really think he was ready to stop then because the lies etc just got worse..

Hes since lost his job, his van, me the kids and a lot of other family members too and it seems to be only now that hes willing to change his ways himself.

It's good to hear that your family and friends say they have you back to your old self. I hope time will tell and my partner slowly returns to who he was too.

1 reply

replying to anon0801

Anon, one thing I have learned over the years is that life with an addict means no two years are the same. My boyfriend has calmed his addiction down massively, oddly, after years of me trying to fight it for him, or at least support him, I finally gave up and accepted who he is and what he does. It’s almost funny, but as soon as I stopped caring he became more positive and his use went right down. Asking yourself if you can cope long term, it sounds to me like you’re not having to try and cope, you’re already doing better than some, and seem very logical about it all, surely that’s proof to yourself that you can.

Focusing on your kids, yourself and doing things the right way is perfect, I admire you for what you’ve had to go through, well done for getting to such a point already. Well done for standing your ground.

Mixed emotions that you’ve postponed the wedding, sad for you not to be able to do it yet, but you’ve got your priorities right by cancelling/postponing it, I’m sure.

How are your kids doing in all this, are they ok? Xx

replying to Jaynhissay

Jaynhissay, so good to hear you’re doing ok, I’ve been wondering how you are.

Instead of the green have you tried CBD? My boyfriend has been using the gummies and the sugar in his coffee, he’s noticed a difference, mellow without the THC element. I won’t endorse it, or suggest you try it, just sharing that it works for my bf xx

1 reply

replying to Liberty

Hi Liberty. Thanks for your reply.

Made me cry haha. I have accepted that it's the drugs that's made him this way because I remember how he was before drugs and thats why I cant seem to let go..

I'm just taking time to decide now if I can continue a life like this or it's best to go our separate ways. The drugs itself I can handle, it's the lies I cant and of course now theres no trust. We would have a lot to work out if I did take him back.. it's not going to be an easy ride!

Thanks for sharing your story, it gives me some hope that couples can get through it.

My kids are okay, 2 year old doesnt have a clue what's going on but my 5 year old took it all pretty bad and would cry for her daddy most nights. Shes getting better now though now that hes been coming to see them consistently and not letting them down.

It's so horrible to watch someone you know who is a good dad/partner slip away xx

replying to anon0801

Oh anon I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.

Life is what you make it, likely it’s not worth thinking what the future will be like, perhaps try not put too much pressure on yourself to make any major decisions, I don’t think any of us can really do that with covid anyway. It sounds like your fiancée is trying to make positive changes, perhaps he just needs time. The fact that he’s being honest about the problem is something to be thankful for.

If you haven’t seen it yet, there’s a really interesting Ted talk with Johann Hari, he talks about how the Portuguese manage addiction, it gave me hope and I’ve never forgotten it.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve wanted to convince myself to walk away, a few times I actually have. I used to question everything for days sometimes, and every time I’d decide I’d regret walking away more than I could ever regret staying, especially with the way things are now.

Do you have any support from family and friends? If he’s staying with his mum, is she supporting him in the recovery too?

Thinking of you, sending care xx

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