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Husband hidden Crack addiction

I met the man of my dreams 3 years ago he pursued me for over a year. flowers left at my door, notes on my car windscreen it was overwhelming and all consuming. Two months in; he went to collect a £250 deposit on a job at 10am he didn’t come home until 11pm. He was crying and begging me to forgive him he had spent the money on cocaine after bumping in to an old friend. His father rang me on the Monday and asked what had happened; he told me he had a past problem with the real hard stuff before; if only he had used the word ‘Crack’. I had no idea what he meant, I had no knowledge or experience of drugs at all.

What I later learnt was that he’d had a crack addiction on and off for 20 years. Both his previous partners picked up the habit with him, he would use their money until it was gone, and then go off and use his own for binges. They both lost everything, one of them blew her £30,000 inheritance in 3 months with him. I thought they were just bitter, neither of them told me about the ‘Crack’ and none of his family were truthful, not even now.

He hid his use from me and I honestly had no idea he was using Crack. To look at him you would never guess his secret.

After the one early binge it didn’t happen again until a year later; the day before our wedding - when he disappeared in the afternoon and turned up at 8:30am on the day after spending £400. I was adamant the wedding was off; but he cried, broke down, he was distraught and hysterical, pleaded and I fell for it and the wedding went ahead. Despite what had happened It was the best day ever.

Things returned to normal or so I thought.

A month later he disappeared for the night again, and this became a regular pattern -disappear/£300/beg forgiveness. Gradually the stories emerged from his family about the repeat pattern of his behaviour; difference was I was not going to do it with him. He would always go to the same crack house and he was the only one who worked or had a vehicle so he became the cash cow for two manipulating addicts who called him their ‘Brotherling’ they spiked his crack with heroin; he was so disgusted with himself he cut his wrists and I sat with him in hospital whilst they stitched him up crying just wanting this chaos to all end. He hated himself and was adamant he would leave it all behind. He was so far In by now he was doing crack every day, trying to hide it from me, taking pregablin, Valium and benzodiazepines to cope with the come down and in turn they were making the come downs worse. He hated himself but just could not stop.

He spoke to a GP who told him to brave it out and take paracetamol for the withdrawals.

I hated his addiction but I loved him. He said all the time he just wanted a normal life away from it all. He told me he loved me everyday and would cry all the time about how ashamed he was and how much he hated himself.

He went to turning point to get help but because of the pandemic services were limited.

I was distraught I had lost my soul mate but I knew I had to leave.

I knew I was enabling him by keeping normal life going whilst he had his sideline; that was essentially killing him and me.

Life with a crack addict is horrific the nights when they disappear you worry that they have come to harm.

you hate them for choosing the drug instead of the amazing life you could have had together and the love and times you have shared.

You are going to work exhausted with stress and worry; as they come home and crash out on the sofa for the day.

Everything is pure chaos and changes who you are forever. I don't think I will ever trust again

I wake up every night feeling anxious and guilty for leaving him

Will this feeling ever pass

He was the love of my life but Crack was his; and is stronger than anything

it truly is The Devil Drug

1 reply

replying to Esta

I could have almost written this word for word myself! I’ve just gone through basically the same thing & it’s the most horrific, helpless, souls destroying thing I have ever experienced. You HAVE to do what is right for you though, you have done everything & more just like I have tried & as hard as it is to walk away, you have to do it for your own sanity. It’s so hard to not feel guilty - even though we did not cause it you feel awful for leaving & I too fear my ex will only end up one way. The fact that these were good, hard working, conscientious men (my ex was my perfect human & most amazing man) That drug has robbed him of everything (and myself in turn). Sadly you have to walk away though, my ex will not accept professional help & is currently blaming me for everything (to anyone that will listen) & going through stages of psychosis/paranoia & denial. It’s so hard to stay strong but we have to. I have to keep reminding myself that isn’t the man I fell in love with anymore, I just have to pray that one day he can fight that demon when he is ready. How I will ever trust again I have no idea. That drug is the devil

replying to Emma123

I started reading the message boards because I had no clue what the hell was going on.

I couldn’t believe that someone could say they loved you and then behave that way. You have to learn not to take it personally but that is so hard! You can’t help it.

I literally had no experience of drugs and I wish I never had.

I felt so betrayed but I do hang on to the fact that there were some amazingly great times between the binges and the final descent into full addiction.

I found him talking to me (but himself) in the garage at 1am one night and then hiding behind the bins as he thought people were going to shoot him. So almost positive that he was in the beginnings of psychosis.

There was no reasoning with him at the end; his addict mates had full control of him. They both were homeless and took full advantage of him that was absolutely heartbreaking to see him being destroyed at the same time.

None of them care about anything but drugs heroin/crack whatever they can get their hands on.

He used to get texts coming through saying “New Food on NOW be quick for best around tonight” and so forth absolutely degrading and humiliating but shows the power they have over addicts who they treat like idiots because that’s what Crack does turns your brain into a dead dark place.

1 reply

replying to Esta

My ex convinced himself the neighbours were trying to climb through the airing cupboard, were doing sexual things in their garden shed & the latest is that he thinks I’ve put spyware on his phone - He’s told people I’ve been having an affair, the list goes on. He thinks all his social media/bank accounts keep getting hacked (when in reality it’s him sending all the stuff to people/women - he’s become obsessed with sex & slept with a prostitutes) - it’s heart breaking - I’m the only one that seems to be able to see the scale of it all & his family/friends are just hiding their heads in the sand. I’ve had a phone call from him tonight in tears, it’s utterly heartbreaking but he won’t admit he’s still using, it’s like he thinks there’s another person that’s doing all this stuff & it’s not actually him. The most awful thing is the dealer actually picked him out to do all this - he got him to try it November last year - as he told me at the time when he came home & I was livid but I remember the lads name & where he was from that got him to try it... low & behold that’s now his dealer - he messages him things like ‘tier 4 tonight mate, got the good stuff in, need it gone’ - he just wont leave him alone so he doesn’t stand a chance. He must have spend about 30k in a year on the stuff - he’s worked to hard for what he’s got & now it’s all gone. It’s all just so, so sad. I’m about 5 weeks in to finding everything out, I’ve done so much research & like you, I was just enabling it all so I knew I had to go & give the house up. I’m hoping it gets easier, for both of us!

replying to Esta

it is horrendous how similar all the stories of addiction are.

Have you had any counselling

I have spent the last 10 weeks processing the last horrendous year

Sleepless nights waking up heart beating feeling guilty. Posting on here was a massive off load and relief for me.

I feel that finally there is distance and I am turning a corner, the burden of carrying the weight is lifting. The addiction is not mine but you get dragged in like a co conspirator hiding it from everyone. The more that occurs it begins to normalise as they try to assure you loads of people do it and this will be the last time anyway.

Leaving the crack chaotic environment and trying to step into work and function as real normal people do when you are screaming inside. I had to leave my phone off and delete my work number from his phone in the end as I would get calls for money.

replying to Emma123

How did you find out about the prostitutes

1 reply

replying to Esta

Today I have felt so sad.

talking about it has brought up so many feelings

replying to Esta

Sorry for the late reply, had the most horrendous week, finally got the house sorted last weekend which was a nightmare in itself, He had tears, tantrums, coke & cigarette breaks all while I was running around trying to get the last of his things out for the final inspection. This week I have felt like someone has died all over again. I’ve had all the emotional messages to deal with, the ‘I was going to propose On valentines day’ - it’s absolutely smashed me to pieces but I’ve had to stay strong. He’s still very much in denial about the whole thing & his use is as bad as ever, it breaks my heart but I know there is nothing more I can do. I found out about the girls & the prostitutes by going through his phone - his broke after his car accident & was using the spare & the pin was on the box - I had lots of disgusting photos to go through as well as messages to other girls dating back over a year. He looks so desperately I’ll now, it breaks my heart - even now - he’s told everyone I’ve been having an affair, I’ve put spy ware on his phones, I’ve been stalking him, you name it - and I’ve just had to suck it up & keep my head down as he became obsessed with recording me in the house & accusing me of things (hearing & seeing things that weren’t there) & getting really nasty about it. I’m hoping now the house is done his focus will shift & everyone else will be able to see the true extent of it. Hope you are feeeling a bit better since your last message x

replying to Esta

Hi Emma

How are you doing?

I am 15 weeks in now and after the initial leave, I did go through a phase week 8/9 of wanting back the man I had initially met. But he’s long gone.

I am past that now; as I recall nearly everyday yet another situation that I never want to go back to.

You forget things in the grief of the loss.

I had some phone calls and by the end I felt that I was withdrawing as myself to keep the conversation calm

I realise now how much of myself I had lost.

Reading on here really helps

I hope you are okay

I think the worst thing is you never really get true closure. So many unanswered questions.

you don’t realise how far off the Mark your judgement becomes.

My friends have been shocked and saddened by it all.

Your husband trying to get you to smoke crack with him …

Your husband stealing money from you and disappearing and not explaining where they have been …

I miss him everyday

But I know I can’t go back

1 reply

replying to Esta

The more I read; there seems to be the recurring pattern

Don’t beat yourself up for being strong

you had to take Steps to protect yourself and you tried to support him and had it thrown back at you.

Moving forward is hard but it will get easier hopefully

P.S I did have a little giggle at the end of one of your posts I think you will know which one!

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