Chat to others: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Hi to anyone reading this and thank you for giving your time.

I’ve posted on here before for advice about my partners drinking and drug use, and things have since escalated (I made the mistake of posting on a more general forum for advice but most people didn’t understand the anguish of being with someone with these issues and I was told by so many people that I have no self respect / esteem / self worth etc. So that was pretty painful - please be kind).

I broke up with my partner at the weekend and I’m heartbroken (I’m 27 and he’s 28 and we have been together for 2 years). We got on really well except for problems related to this issue.

I can count on one hand the amount of weekends that we have actually spent together because one day is always dedicated to getting drunk and taking coke with his mates. I have no issue with him seeing his friends but they always just get off their faces all night until the early morning hours and he is then hungover all weekend (when he has planned to see me). I have lost count of times this has happened and I have been cancelled on. He also engages in risky behaviour like getting in cars with people who have had a lot to drink and he doesn’t see my issue with this. He just tells me not to worry and it’s ‘his life to live’.

Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago as he saw his mates after work on Friday night and I hadn’t heard from him by 3pm the following day. I was worried about him and went to check on him and found him still drunk with a beer in his hand with one of these friends. I decided to break up with him once he’d sobered up, but he convinced me he would prove he could get this under control and I really thought I’d got through to him.

Fast forward to this weekend, we arranged to see each other on Saturday night (he is my lockdown bubble as I live alone, whereas he still sees his mates regularly so this is an issue in itself). On Friday, he tried to say he had forgotten that he was suppose to be seeing a friend. I was annoyed but tried to compromise and said I could come later after he had seen said friend. However he refused and we argued as it was only the week before that he convinced me I was a priory to him (he said he doesn’t like ‘bouncing around like that’, yet there has been plenty of times where he has been with me and left to go and meet his friends so this is very hypocritical).

I accepted defeat and said I would just meet him on Sunday instead and he used this as an excuse to meet his usual group of mates. It got to 1:30am and he text me (without me asking) to say he was going home soon as he knew it was important to me that he knows when to call it a night. However (and this is what I feel bad for), he still uses an app with his location attached and he posted a picture to this app outside of his house, presumably to make me believe that he was at home. However his location showed that he had actually then got into a car and carried his night on elsewhere. I asked him outright where he was and he said at home and so I called him out for lying and he made a bullshit story up.

The next day, he blew up at me and basically blamed me for how he was feeling and said that I have ground him down and he feels like he is living in a ‘glass house’. He said I don’t make him feel loved (despite looking after him in every way and being there every time to pick up the pieces when he is on a comedown). I have been so patient and tried to understand his point of view, but he has pushed me too far this time. It breaks my heart that he views this group of mates as the most amazing people in his life and I’m just a nag that is grinding him down, when in the grand scheme of things they are dragging him down and I am trying to get him out of this mess. He says I’m like a teacher rather than a partner now, but what does he expect when he acts like a

16 year old?! I am just so sad at how we ended up as we used to be so happy, but when I look back he has always centred everything around his friends. I just totally give up and can’t have him making me feel like I am to blame for the demise of the relationship. I would not be getting on his back about this if he actually stuck to his word and tried to sort it out 😔

Any advice or support would be welcome...

Hi. Im going through it too at the moment. Im just not strong enough to walk away, but .... i do know one thing. It is not the company of his friends that he prefers..... its the drugs he prefers xxx big hugs. We need to show ourselves love, instead of abusing ourselves every time we think for one minute we mean more than the drug x

Hiya Laura hope you are OK.

I'm 2 month clean now from coke. I seriously have had enough of it and joined CA 2month ago and have been clean ever since.

Anyways.. He's not gonna stop until he wants to for himself. If he's using every week he is definitely an addict. I have to stop because of the come downs and feeling suicidal. It's a horrible addiction.

Cocaine will always come 1st, if there was no cocaine involved he would be round yours. It controls us, and it's like a devil on your shoulder.

My opinion or advice is.. Do you have kids? Do you want kids? Can you see yourself settling down and having kids with him while he is like this? Because if he says he will quit for a baby.. Ect.. Believe me that doesn't work.

I guess what I'm trying to say, if he has no intentions of quitting, and. You have no kids, move on with your life no matter how hard it is. Time is a great healer and you will get over it. Do you want to keep putting up with this? He has to make a lot of sacrifices to quit and the 1st one is getting rid of using mates. I'd have a good think what you want for your future. Your 27 and the next bit of your life is important. Don't waste it like I did. I started using 26 now I'm 37. With loads of regrets. Start thinking of your self and make your self happy. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask me anything

Danman, thank you for your comments. I couldnt agree more. My addict uses C minimum 3/4 times a week and smookes weed daily. He is 40, been using since 13. Im 52. Although i am a/was a party drug girl, love to dance, ive been clean of drugs for a year. He talks the talk but fails to do the walk. His come downs are now more frequent and his agressiveness and jekyll&hyde behaviour seems at an all time high at the monent. I started chemo two months ago, i havent seen him for two months. If life isnt happy happy, he cant handle it. Yet i was riding his weekly comedowns without any penalties for him. He switches from moment to moment.

Ive lost my best friend because of him. She told me she could no longer stick around me, seeing me hurt so much if i continues to have a coke addict in my life, cos the coke will always come first.

My life is not this circus. It truly is not. But since dating him, it has been and i am broken.

Hi Hilton,

Thank you for your reply.

If it comes to it, one day you will be strong enough to walk away as you will see that this is no life to live. I have held onto hope for so long but the pattern of behaviour just doesn’t stop. I’m not sure what your situation is, but my now ex partner had a close group of mates who all did the same thing so it’s just part of his life now. Stopping the drink and drugs would mean not seeing his closest friends - I can’t ask him to do that so I am leaving.

We both deserve better as much as it hurts and I hope you are okay. I’m pretty active on this forum if you ever want to talk.

Sending my love, Laura x

Hi Danman,

Thank you for your reply, it’s interesting and so helpful to see it from this perspective.

I’m doing okay at the moment as I’ve realised I can’t continue with this cycle anymore, hope you are okay too and well done for getting clean as I know how hard that must have been.

He uses pretty much every weekend and it’s not just a little bit, it’s a whole bag each time. He also has terrible comedowns and says he hates the person he is etc. and I’m always there comforting him and picking up the pieces..his mates are nowhere to be seen at this point. It’s exhausting.

We don’t have kids no but I originally did want them with him. He continually said he would stop if we did but I just don’t believe him anymore. He will also never get rid of these mates as he has been mates with them for a long time (longer than we’ve been together). They all use and drink heavily so I just can’t see him seeing them, being offered some and saying no. Especially when alcohol is his trigger and he doesn’t use unless he’s had alcohol. I also don’t expect him to drop his friends as he would be even more miserable without them. He’s just put me in a horrible position really.

How did the drug use start for you, if you don’t mind me asking? I’m just interested to see if this was also a social thing that turned more serious.

Take care,

Laura x

Hi laura. Thank you.

His situation is that he is the go to guy. He is the contact for all his “friends”. Its never ending. With me, i would take an E for a dance night. He would have a delivery of C on a friday for all his friends orders. I stopped a year ago. He was bad anyway but since lockdown, 3/4 times a week minimum of C. Obtaining for his friends on a friday. We had a row 28/12. Not seen him since then but.... he knew my chemo started then too. He can go from absolute vicious hateful texts towards me full of blame, to texts telling me he wants to marry me. The only remedy is for me to block for my own mental health. Ive cried for two months. Not one apology from his side.

The only positive is that for two months i have been home with my adult kids and have reconnected.

He can be the most attentive caring human. But the most evil, vicious and cruel too.

The only way out of this hell is self love. Which is new to me.

Xx

Hello,

I’m so sorry you are having to go through chemo and hope this is all going well.

This is exactly the same with my ex, he is the sort of ‘ring leader’ as he has everyone round to his house and if he just didn’t do that then they wouldn’t be able to do it. It’s so frustrating. I’ve personally never taken anything (except alcohol), so I find it difficult to understand the hold it has on him, especially when he feels horrendous and it takes him 2 days a time to fully recover.

I also get the cycle of him being very loving to extremely reactive/defensive, where he acts like I’m trying to argue with him over absolutely nothing. For example, I once joked that that it took him so long to text me back that it was ‘the worlds longest reply’. I was clearly having a joke with him and he completely kicked off, saying I was picking at him again and nothing he ever does is good enough. I was just always walking on eggshells but he tried to turn this around and say he has to watch what he says to me.

You have done 2 months without him and that is amazing. The more time the goes on, the stronger you will feel about it and the self love will come with that. I’m also working on my self esteem as I seem to attract men who treat me badly in one way or another (my previous boyfriend before this one cheated on me multiple times).

Again, I’m here if you need to chat. It’s hard when people don’t understand your situation as they’re not directly affected.

Take care,

Laura x

❤️

Hey Laura,

I read this last night, it’s so helpful to have people going through exactly the same thing, Danman is great for advice and a different perspective, I have found self love so hard as I love him more and that’s dangerous territory as we cannot do anything, I could scream most days as he is so clever but this has gripped him, the debt is so much and he is now dealing it to try get out of it, I look at my friends that have it figured out and in the earlier post “you don’t half pick them” is a common saying to me from others, but in fact I don’t pick them! They pick me ha, I fall for charm and people with addictive personalities as they have it in abundance, I often read Hilton’s and your story as it helps. I just wish that white stuff didn’t exist as it ruins lives and families, my ex has now in fact lost childhood friends and has pretty much isolated himself bar 2 friends and they do it with him, but his choice mainly is to do it on his own when he gets in from work at 6:30am, I’m pretty sure he has been binging since he walked out and more than likely now not going to work, something I found helpful to watch is you tube videos to get a better understanding and then read self care books along with good people around you. This has effected my work along with mental health, small situations get on top of me now which they never used too. Small steps each day xx