: Bereavement

Get support following a drug or alcohol related death

4 replies

Lost my mum

Hi,

I’m struggling to know where to turn or what to do and I’ve ended up here, looking for help from strangers. All my friends are too awkward to be around me or ask how I am since I lost my mum 8 weeks ago. She was an alcoholic who I’d put a little space between us, trying to protect myself as I knew it was inevitable.

It hasn’t helped at all and I’m really struggling, made worse as my friends have vanished. I have never felt so lonely in my life and don’t know what to do. I feel so bitter about it on top of everything else.

How did other people deal with this?

I’m sorry if I seem mopey or full of self pity, I just feel so stuck in a really negative and lonely place.

Thank you in advance for any suggestions or help

replying to Thestig1706

Hi,

I can relate to you on this, I lost my dad is June last year to alcoholism. We were by his bedside for 5 days while he died.

It started years and years ago with my dad, he was so sneaky at hiding his drink and we all didn’t have any idea. That was until we thought he had a stroke and the ambulance came out. Dad couldn’t stand on his feet and we didn’t know why. Turned out he was just drunk... highly embarrassing as a family.

Then years later he said all along he had stopped but we knew he didn’t. I posted on here for support of his drinking as I caught him and he tried to deny it but I seen it with my own two eyes... he was dead 5 weeks later.

He left behind me, my mum, 3 brothers and 3 grandchildren.

I often ask myself... why did he pick drink over us all? Why was that his option, did he want to die? Etc.... I said some nasty stuff to him and didn’t go to him and my mums house much because I hated seeing him drunk. I still feel guilt over this.

Like you I have hardly heard from any friends and I certainly haven’t seen them. It’s a very lonely time. I have a amazing partner so I am lucky that way.

You’re mum only died 8 weeks ago.. you have to give yourself time to grieve. You have to take each day as it comes. Don’t be hard on yourself. You will go through 100 emotions every single day, sad, angry, happy, resentment, relief and the list goes on.

I coped with exercise, thinking of the good times, childhood memories etc.

Take care of yourself, don’t be hard on yourself! X

replying to Thestig1706

Hi,

Thanks for your reply.

Yeah it all sounds very similar to my mum. Apparently she’s not been drinking since she came out of hospital 4 years ago. It was always insulting how she’d expect me to believe that when she was clearly drunk. Addiction is so evil and it just makes the person so hard to be around and then you feel guilty when they’re gone.

I definitely wonder the same with the choice to drink. Was it a subconscious slow suicide? Was it masking something she couldn’t deal with or be able to talk about?

Did you feel abandoned by your friends? I feel angry and bitter towards them which I hate as it’s not a usual response from me. It may be misdirected or exaggerated because of the situation I suppose.

How long has it taken to have some sense of normality? (If you have got anywhere near that yet).

replying to Thestig1706

It was very insulting to me when he tried to tell me he wasn’t drunk. Me and my 3 brothers done like a intervention thing with him last Jan and he promised he had stopped drinking.

He also went to a liver specialist and they told him if he didn’t stop drinking he would be dead in a year.. nothing stopped him at all. He knew he was dying. But he didn’t care. I think you’re right it’s like a slow suicide.

I feel completely abandoned by them, and I hate that. My best friend of 20 years just stopped talking to me after dad died and I have absolutely no idea why, I’ve tried asking and I get the usual response ‘sorry life is busy at the moment’ but of life really that busy you can’t take 5 minutes to send a text or pick up the phone. I’m angry at them.

So it’s nearly 8 months since my dad died, some days it feel like just yesterday. I have gone through every emotion under the sun re my dads death. I do feel I make progress every day. I couldn’t stop him drinking, I tried. There is nothing I can do now he is dead. I started making more sense when I dealt with the fact it’s no ones fault. It’s not even dads fault. He was an alcoholic in denial and he gave up on life. Maybe it was just his time to leave? I do get stressed at what he has left behind ie mountains of debt, hide so many things that were still finding out etc.

replying to Thestig1706

Yeah mine was the same. Was in hospital with me having to clear her poo up where she was constantly messing herself and was being told she’d die if she had any more alcohol. Somehow she carried on drinking for another 3 years.

Good for you for saying something to your friend. I can’t imagine that was easy.

I tried subtly and one of my friends definitely got the hint, saying she thought I wanted space. Told her nope, never felt so lonely and depressed and still not heard from her again. It baffles me people do it and don’t think or feel guilty and such a horrible lesson to learn in already horrible times.

Thankfully I think I processed the fact I couldn’t stop her drinking when she was here and I learnt not to take responsibility for it. It was more her behaviour and rejection I still struggled to compute. My last conversation with her was confronting her about inviting others to Xmas but leaving me out and she was angry that I brought it up.

It’s shit knowing that was my last conversation.

I try and relate her drinking to her coping method. I imagine it would be like us turning to a substance now in order to cope, which to be honest I can see the appeal sometimes!!

You have no responsibility for the debt though? Mum ran up £20k debt, step dad paid it off, found she’d done it again a few days after she passed. Thankfully all on credit cards though so it can’t pass to another person.

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