: Bereavement

Get support following a drug or alcohol related death

25 replies

Partner deteriorated quickly to alcoholism

I lost my partner yesterday and we have a 19 year old son.

He refused any medical intervention.

He died at home which was his wish with suspected liver failure judging by his yellow appearance.

I tried so hard to get his doctor involved but ultimately it had to be with his say so and again he refused!

He had no pain relief and for the last 3 days was in a lot of pain but he made his peace with me and our son and managed through laboured breaths to give us some of life’s advice and apologised a lot until he could no longer speak.

It was heartbreaking but I kept him comfortable and warm.

On his last day he was bleeding from his throat and I was so scared for him, pleaded with him to let me call an ambulance.

That night we both fell asleep in the living room as I didn’t want to leave him alone but only I woke up!

It was 3 am and I sat with him for 3 hours because I just couldn’t accept he had gone and convinced myself I could see him breathing so I didn’t want to startle him by vigorously checking for his pulse.

It wasn’t until I stroked his hand that I realised he had gone and must have done hours earlier.

Now I seek comfort from knowing that he wasn’t alone in hospital, it wasn’t a crisis like I was expecting and he died peacefully in his sleep looking serene.

He no longer suffers and is free from his demons.

He was a lovely person but the alcoholism made him very combative at times which I took personally, although I never argued back, but I forgive that now because I realise it was part of his deteriorating liver and the toxins affecting his brain.

I’m feeling all sorts of things right now...guilt, anger, sadness, bereft, numb, exhausted but I can’t sit still, every time I start to cry it immediately stops leaving me with a headache.

I look at my son who is coping brilliantly and feel guilty that I still have my Dad.

I’m sad that the alcohol won and took him from us so young.

It really was like a beautiful tree that was watered daily by weed killer making it slowly wilt and die.

It impaired his decisions and left him with a variety of mental health conditions.

It was all unbearable for my son and I to have experienced for the last 3 years and we feel a kind of relief now, which also makes us feel guilty.

I’m hoping these yo-yos of emotions will soon settle.

I’ve learned that people who are victim to an addiction will have a root cause that needs addressing before they can give it up.

Having a loving family around him wasn’t enough and we tried everything to help!!

I felt in the dark and not prepared for what would happen at the end as there’s not enough advice online and his doctor told me to expect something catastrophic to happen very soon.

I feel by writing this and sharing this awful, exhausting experience it may help someone who might be in that same position right now.

It was a peaceful ending for him and not a horrific experience as he was asleep, I had feared he would choke to death or his heart would pack up so I’m blessed he went that way.

But still, it’s such a waste of life.

Alcoholics are much more than that person who drinks a bit too much, they are suffering with something and seek to numb their pain!

Once the wound heals my son and I will thrive but for now we are missing him!

Be kind to yourselves and your loved ones suffering addiction and I hope they don’t succumb to their addictions like my partner did.

Please make them know that it is an illness that can be treated and that you love them.

Sorry this was a long item to read but it is the tip of the iceberg!

replying to J48

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have just registered here to post about my dad and I couldn't read your post and not comment. I hope you and your son are coping ok x

replying to J48

We are beginning to accept it now and have looked back at lots of photos from happier times thanks. I have just read your post and really feel for you, I felt the same helplessness and desperation that you must be feeling right now. There is one bit of positivity for you and that is your Dad is getting some help in the hospital and I really hope they get in the mental health services to help him while he is in there to work on the route cause and follow it up. Your Dad may have moments of clarity which is a good time to talk positively about recovery. When you see him talk about positive things that are happening in yours and your children's lives as it may spark an inner desire to get better and be a part of it. Please share our experience with him and explain my partner believed he was a burden and we would be better of without him which isn't true we would be better with him still here.

Our son is 19 and is absolutely amazing, he too worried about drinking being genetic but he has seen the true dark side of this addiction as we have lived with it for the last few years but I have told him that if he wants a drink with friends that a couple is okay from time to time and not to be secretive about it, he is very sensible. I am lucky as I can take it or leave it and haven't actually had a drink since my partner was hospitalised a year ago. I really hope things improve for your Dad and while he is still alive there is hope.

Be kind to yourself, he will know that you have his best interests at heart x

replying to J48

My thoughts are with you xxx

replying to J48

I found your post extremely understanding and sympathetic to your husbands disease.

I have been married 35 years. My husband is an alcoholic. He has some serious medical problems, seizures being the scariest but as a retired nurse l have been fortunate as far asl know to be there when it happens.

We have both been retired fora number of years so spend a lot of time together. We do have a type of hobby that l won’t go into but we do it together.anyhow, back to the drinking. Though l don’t think it’s any worse than it’s always been, the verbal abuse is leaving me more and more in a state of dislike and disgust for him. It’s getting to the point that l don’t even like him touching me. I told him this morning that l felt like that but l don’t think it registered. I read that l should detach myself which is what l am going to do. Not just for my sanity but l am afraid that l may become violent as l cannot tolerate his comments. I know he’s spoiling for a row but l go out rather than engage. This all sounds so stupid as we can get on well at times.

replying to J48

I’m sorry to hear of your suffering as a partner.

It sounds similar to our situation.

I did emotionally detach but vowed to be there for him, the arguing is so difficult and it is best to leave while it calms down.

It doesn’t mean you won’t take it personally and there were times that I argued back, and it’s those times that I reflect on now and wish I’d handled better and not said the things I said but I mainly removed myself from the situation.

It’s strange that I remember those times less and remember the arguing clearly!

It’s been 3 weeks now since he passed and I wish I could reverse it and insist he got the help he needed rather than go ahead with his wishes but I believe that had there not been a pandemic he would have.

I’m broken right now and his funeral is on Monday. He was only 48 and we’d had 30 happy years together but we could have so much more if he’d only sought medical assistance, such a waste of a life.

It’s hit our son now and he gets upset at everything his Dad will miss out on.

I really hope things get better for you and I thank you for saying I was understanding and sympathetic towards his illness, that has given me comfort and reassurance.

Keep strong x

1 reply

replying to J48

Hello,

Thank you for sharing.My husband is extremely I'll due to his alcoholism. This last binge he was on almost killed him.i was finally able to get him to go get medical care. He has alcoholic hepatitis. They kept him in hospital and told him if he keeps drinking he will die. He refused to go to rehab for help. They tried but he said no. It's been 4 weeks since he was released and he kept drinking. Friday he was arrested for public intoxication and I was able to get a counselor from a rehab be on the phone when he got in the car from being released. He helped me get through to him and agree to go. I was at the end of road and out of options for him as my daughter told me she would no longer be at home anymore if he was going to be there and shes pregnant. Hes now in rehab. They said hes not doing so well as his body is extremely weak from his liver deterioration. I'm trying to stay calm and pray they can save him.

1 reply

replying to Mmauer74

How awful for you and your daughter. My husband is not that sick yet but he is heading that way as time goes on. As l said in my original post l will not leave him so l have to find ways to live my life with him. I am 68 he’s 59. This past week he has been sleeping a lot, he broke his ankle a week ago, old injury just snapped, so he has an excuse to do nothing. I am trying to keep calm and not make negative comments while all the time l am seething inside. Once he’s out of beer he will get himself out for more. He does all his drinking at home. This past year he has had several bouts of sickness and then he goes cold turkey and that’s when l have to watch him like a Hawk in case he has a seizure. I am a retired nurse but they still leave me quite traumatized. I didn’t call for an ambulance the last time as he’s usually recovering when they get here. If he stops breathing there’s no way l could revive him as he’s gotten so big. I know it’s awful but his huge beer gut grosses me out. I have never said anything to him about it as l would never want to hurt his feelings. I read your story and you sound so caring. I am just angry, frustrated and resentful. I don’t think he’s ever going to stop so l have to look after myself.l do hope your hubby makes it.

1 reply

replying to Destin32541

I’m sorry to read about your struggle with your husband.

He is lucky to have your support and your will to get him to get better is so apparent.

Please know that you have done everything you can to help him and more, he is in rehab because of your encouragement.

While he is in rehab please try not to worry too much as it could make you ill, he is where he needs to be right now and will get the right treatments and pain relief.

Focus on yourself and your daughter, take some deep breaths, I find this helped me!

Realise you have done all you can.

My other half refused any medical assistance partly because we are in lockdown and partly because he was still in denial to his very end.

I am left with wishing I could have convinced him more but I realise now it was a disease that impaired his thought process.

It’s his funeral today where we will mourn the man he was before this illness took over him!

I wish you all the luck, please be kind to yourself.

replying to J48

It's sad they do this. My husband also has gotten large. I dont wish this life on anyone. I can't trust anymore due to all the lies and my mind is so bruised from all the arguing and the verbal scolding I was getting. It sounds much like you I too am the provider so trying to keep it together to maintain my ability to work is also a challenge. I want him well I just wish there was a guarantee that after this rehab stay he will never drink again. However what I am seeing with him is that evertime he heals he gets these thoughts that he is resilient and he starts up again. It's so sad as we have a nice life otherwise.

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