I lost my partner yesterday and we have a 19 year old son.
He refused any medical intervention.
He died at home which was his wish with suspected liver failure judging by his yellow appearance.
I tried so hard to get his doctor involved but ultimately it had to be with his say so and again he refused!
He had no pain relief and for the last 3 days was in a lot of pain but he made his peace with me and our son and managed through laboured breaths to give us some of life’s advice and apologised a lot until he could no longer speak.
It was heartbreaking but I kept him comfortable and warm.
On his last day he was bleeding from his throat and I was so scared for him, pleaded with him to let me call an ambulance.
That night we both fell asleep in the living room as I didn’t want to leave him alone but only I woke up!
It was 3 am and I sat with him for 3 hours because I just couldn’t accept he had gone and convinced myself I could see him breathing so I didn’t want to startle him by vigorously checking for his pulse.
It wasn’t until I stroked his hand that I realised he had gone and must have done hours earlier.
Now I seek comfort from knowing that he wasn’t alone in hospital, it wasn’t a crisis like I was expecting and he died peacefully in his sleep looking serene.
He no longer suffers and is free from his demons.
He was a lovely person but the alcoholism made him very combative at times which I took personally, although I never argued back, but I forgive that now because I realise it was part of his deteriorating liver and the toxins affecting his brain.
I’m feeling all sorts of things right now...guilt, anger, sadness, bereft, numb, exhausted but I can’t sit still, every time I start to cry it immediately stops leaving me with a headache.
I look at my son who is coping brilliantly and feel guilty that I still have my Dad.
I’m sad that the alcohol won and took him from us so young.
It really was like a beautiful tree that was watered daily by weed killer making it slowly wilt and die.
It impaired his decisions and left him with a variety of mental health conditions.
It was all unbearable for my son and I to have experienced for the last 3 years and we feel a kind of relief now, which also makes us feel guilty.
I’m hoping these yo-yos of emotions will soon settle.
I’ve learned that people who are victim to an addiction will have a root cause that needs addressing before they can give it up.
Having a loving family around him wasn’t enough and we tried everything to help!!
I felt in the dark and not prepared for what would happen at the end as there’s not enough advice online and his doctor told me to expect something catastrophic to happen very soon.
I feel by writing this and sharing this awful, exhausting experience it may help someone who might be in that same position right now.
It was a peaceful ending for him and not a horrific experience as he was asleep, I had feared he would choke to death or his heart would pack up so I’m blessed he went that way.
But still, it’s such a waste of life.
Alcoholics are much more than that person who drinks a bit too much, they are suffering with something and seek to numb their pain!
Once the wound heals my son and I will thrive but for now we are missing him!
Be kind to yourselves and your loved ones suffering addiction and I hope they don’t succumb to their addictions like my partner did.
Please make them know that it is an illness that can be treated and that you love them.
Sorry this was a long item to read but it is the tip of the iceberg!