: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

29 replies

At a loss

Is it possible to ever recover from a cocaine addiction? And be able to trust someone who has had this addiction ever again?

Especially when it has been a secret addiction within the marriage and they have become particularly nasty and completely abandoned/ don’t care about their family (young children) and responsibilities?

I don’t know the person my husband has become as it’s destroyed him for two years and I have only just recently become aware of it but it explains so much of his behaviour and attitude. I don’t want to make excuses for it like ‘it’s the drugs’ but I can’t believe he would be this cruel / nasty / emotionless to me and the family he apparently wanted.

Anyone who knows anything about addiction, recovery or can relate I’d really like some thoughts to help my own.

replying to Heartbroken88

I don’t know about recovery as I’m at the same point as you where I feel let down by him and don’t know whether he will ever get the help he needs. I also feel exactly that I’m not sure I know him anymore. But no I don’t think people actually become cruel etc as at times my husband has managed to not take any cocaine for a while and he’s exactly back to his old self and then people he knows will actually tempt him to take some as it’s a big joke to them. It is a very powerful substance and they don’t know how to resist it, the changes in him aren’t deliberate to you it’s his brain/body. It’s not an excuse but everyone thinks it won’t happen to them and this is how it gets so bad.

4 replies

replying to Heartbroken88

I’m sorry to hear your story. I’ve been in the same situation also. Cocaine is such an evil drug. My partner was massively addicted. But he denied it for months, to the point I had no other choice but to leave. It turned him into someone I didn’t recognise. I’d had enough, more difficult for those with commitments and children I understand but they becomes a point when you have to stop and put yourself first. Maybe me leaving was the push he needed, he was rock bottom but I had to leave for my own sanity. He is now 6 months clean, no cocaine/alcohol nothing. I’m very proud of him.

But he needed to want to stop for him. If they don’t they will continue to do it and push away those close to them as they are ‘in the way’ of it. My partner has been very honest about it now and he knows he bad he was and tbh he’s lucky I came back after everything but it’s difficult when you love someone and see how hard they’ve worked to make things right. I still worry for the future at times. Will he relapse and I don’t find out? Will he go downhill again and start lying? When lockdowns over will it start again? The damage is so deep rooted it’ll be a long time before I trust him completely. Maybe give him an ultimatum? It’s so hard I know! Stay strong xx

replying to Heartbroken88

Sorry you are going through a tough time. I like your question as I am going through the same problem with my partner who actually is an ex partner now. ( last week )

I have been with with him for over 12 years and its been hard.

I constantly think he will change he stops and starts all the time. It leaves me feeling so confused and upset. I'm constantly let down and I feel like every 3 months we go back to squares one. He has completely broken my trust and let our children down. I would also love to hear other insights on this.

He has been crying to have me back but then when I ask him to make changes for example stop socialising

with bad company and maybe change his phone number the reply I got back was if you are going to control me then this relationship won't work he wants to be able to do as he wants... this I just can't understand I'm not trying to control him I just want him to make good choices and try better his life. Is this a bad thing I'm asking... sorry to just go on but how can you help someone with an addiction and what are the signs that basically tell you to walk away.... please any advice !

1 reply

replying to Heartbroken88

Thank you for replying everyone. I am relieved to know I am not alone.

Notmyrealname - sorry you are going through this too. I don’t know my husband either. I don’t know if I even married the man I thought I did. He has been using this drug for more than half of our marriage. However I never would have thought the man I married would behave this way toward his own children. He has been very cruel. Cutting us off physically and financially. I moved out of our family home before I found out about the drugs because I was miserable. I felt so guilty as I had no ‘concrete’ reason. Now I know I was right to think something was off. You ask the questions (well I didn’t about drugs because it never crossed my mind) but hey excuses or made to feel like it’s you being dramatic. But I guess I always felt there was something unbeknown to me. I just let myself believe he was struggling to confess he was struggling with the responsibilities of being a husband and father. Some men do so I’m told.

I didn’t have a support network around me and it was extremely isolating, (without Covid) and with two children under 2 I was really struggling and I couldn’t live like that - I just thought he didn’t want to be a father or husband. I thought maybe there was someone else buy that didn’t lead me anywhere so when I found out about the drugs I was relieved but I don’t think he was ready to really change - he was forced into telling me and said what I think he believed he should have said in admitting it.

I’m constantly even to this day being let down - he never prioritises us (over everything- work, his family) and it always hurts me deeply. I don’t know if that’s him or the drugs. Surely the drugs don’t explain everything.

SMarker - I am sorry too you are in this situation also. I have left him too but it seems to have done little to change his attitude although he says he has stopped using. He went through a month of being absolutely vile / cruel to us accompanied by him being really depressed so maybe he did stop, maybe he has re started and that’s why he is more communicative slightly now, but I just don’t know. He blames me/ our marriage for it all - he does it for escapism apparently. I find it hard to accept or believe this. Even worse to contemplate any future because it’s like he can’t cope with commitment or responsibility or life’s ups and downs. I know I havnt been perfect myself. I suffered after our children were born - I think I had a little of undiagnosed PND but he was very unsupportive whilst I was pregnant and ever since. His drug use coincided with just before I got pregnant. I feel like he has had ultimatums- I actually have started divorcing him. So maybe it is just me. It is so deep rooted like you say. I feel so let down by him hurt and angry that I just don’t have any patience for him. Because I also see he has hurt our children in this - they have had no where near the life I thought. It’s been a constant rollercoaster and upheaval for them - something else I feel I can’t forgive him for. I wish I felt less angry towards him but it’s frustrating to watch him just ‘not get it’.

2468anyadvice - so sorry you too are going through this.

I relate completely with what you say. My husband too would say I was controlling for pulling him up on his behaviour or asking him to make changes or asking him even simple things like what time he would be finishing work. I think it’s like a resistance to us because they know they are in the wrong and it’s to make themselves feel better - but it’s taken me a long time to accept that. At first I blamed myself for everything entirely. It’s been a very dark time. And like you I feel everywhere you look or read the answer is it never gets better or it does then it relapses at some point. So will it be 6 months, or 10 years... and I ask myself can I face this hurt again years down the line. It hurts like hell right now but do I want to go through it again and when my children’ will be more aware. It’s so so hard and definitely one of the hardest things I think anyone has to go through.

replying to Heartbroken88

Hello heartbroken88,

I am really sorry your going through a tough time. I read your post and feel what you are going through.

I like how you talk about the behavioural side.

I'm new to this site and the more I read the more these behaviours are similar as are the responses from them. And thats very interesting to know. I really want to inform my self more. You would think over 10 years of this I would be inform enough. But apparently not. Its a new horrible horra story every time. Only ever letting me and the children down. I really like to hear other stories/ advice it gives some kinda insight of I'm not alone and there is help and alot of people manage to pull through. It gives me a little hope that I can pull my self together it's okay to feel horrible and torn apart. I must add that you are very strong and although still very upset you seem to have a good direction on what you want out of life.

I'm still trying to push my self and escape this mess.

All the best to you and your children and I wish you lots of happiness and peace x

replying to Heartbroken88

So sorry for what you are all going through. I’m new to this site as my bf promised he wouldn’t do coke when we got back together a few months ago, but I found out he did it last night and I just feel so sad and disappointed.

I think you (we!) need to be strong and not put up with this in our lives. As people have said, they have to want to do it for themselves, and put the work in. Stop triggers such as drinking and gambling, and stop hanging with people who do it. I hate this drug.

1 reply

replying to Heartbroken88

Hi and welcome.

Sorry your partner has let you down. It's devastating to believe in them and trust them to find out its all been one big lie. I also hate this drug it doesn't just destroy the user but everyone around them also suffers. What's even more sad is they find a gate way out with drugs. While we sit here trying to rack our brains with all these questions and emotions.

Hope your okay.

replying to 2468anyadvice

Thank you. Yeah I’m ok, just sad and disappointed and these feelings are all so familiar! I’ve been reading a lot of posts this morning and realised just how much of my bf’s behaviour is due to the drugs. Things like being overly defensive and blowing up over a single throwaway comments, and feeling like walking on eggshells but he throws it back at me and says he can’t say anything around me.

I hate this drug. I hate all the films that glorify and glamourise it.

Anyway, not trying to hijack the thread but it’s nice that we are not alone.

1 reply

replying to Heartbroken88

That’s what I wonder if he was ever who I thought he was or if it has all been a lie, as the lies do get so much bigger and more convincing until eventually when you find out what’s going on. I find it difficult when I look back and realise how many problems have been down to this addiction, especially when I read all these posts and its almost identical to my situation. It’s unbelievable how it can poison so many lives. I have seen someone on another post who is in recovery and regrets his actions but I don’t know whether this is possible for everyone, as some people seem to take e drugs to escape other issues that won’t just go away whereas surely the ones who do it for ‘fun’ in a social sense can get out of this life if they stop socialising in this way.

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