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Partner in recovery

Hey all, so as you can see from my previous post my boyfriend was taking cocaine behind my back for months. Every time I pulled him up on it he denied it. Even though I knew and he knew that I knew.. I gave him so many chances, held him whilst he cried to me saying he hates it and doesn’t want to take it, it was so obvious that he was addicted but he would never admit it then the cycle would start again. The confusing part; he would never disappear, turn his phone off or go on weekend binges. He wanted me with him all the time, even when he’s taken it.. He would beg for me to stay with him.. It was a crazy time and I was so drained and thought if I left he would do something stupid (looking back I know it was just pure manipulation!)

Anyway. As you can see from my last post he promised he’d stop and get help. Nope, it continued. So I left. I’d had enough I could not cope anymore and I knew I had to get away. For my own sanity. I’d become so focused on his addiction that id lost myself.

The best decision I could have made for myself. I packed my bags and got a one way flight. I stopped all contact and concentrated on me. He never gave up, I had messages, calls etc for the entire time but I was done and I made that clear. I felt amazing! Like the strong, outgoing independent woman I was. He knew I was not messing around anymore. I wasn’t returning. He was a mess and I was told by many friends/family that he’d gone off the rails and was rock bottom. I felt heartbroken for him but he had to do this for himself.

Plot twist!

Fast forward to now - 9 months later. We are actually back together and have been for a while. I returned from abroad due to a new work opportunity. He knew I was back and it went from there. He said whilst I was away that he would sort himself out. I never actually believed him but wow. New business, cut off ‘friends’. Went to the GP (which is massive for him!) No social media. Stopped drinking alcohol. He is 6 months clean and I am so proud of him. He is a completely changed man, so affectionate, caring and such a better person to be around. It’s like our honeymoon phase is now. He’s saving money, we’re planning our future. Everything is amazing at the minute.

However, the damage is still deep rooted in me and I still find it so so hard to trust him completely. I feel paranoid if he has a runny nose (which happens a lot even when I know he hasn’t taken anything), if his mouth tastes slightly different when we kiss. If his attitude is different. Honestly I feel crazy at times like I’m always looking for clues that he’s done it even if I have no suspicion that he has. Every time we see any family/friends he’s very honest to them about how he’s stopped and doesn’t take it anymore. But why do I still feel this way? He knows if he goes back to it I’ll be gone so maybe I worry he’d just hide it? I hate feeling this way! We do have home testing kits but I don’t want to go backwards when we’ve gone so far forward. It’s just so hard to completely ‘chill out about it’ I’m on edge if it comes on tv, if he bumps into old ‘friends’. I hate feeling this way. Ahhh. Very sorry for the very long post! Xxx

replying to SMarker

Happy for you!!! Well done for putting yourself first. You have take take care of you before you can take care of others. Wishing you both lots of luck!! Xxx

replying to SMarker

Recovery is life long - and even if he relapses - at least he has tried.xx

replying to SMarker

Hi,

I can totally relate to your struggle to ever trust him again,

and the sandpaper tongue when kissing is a pretty big give away when my partner is doing coke, although I guess other things could cause that, but like you, I would struggle not to be paranoid about any of these things.

I guess all you can do is hope he is being truthful and know that if he is lying it will have a way of coming out without you really looking for it as a proper case of addiction becomes pretty apparent especially if you have already lived through all those lies already.

fingers crossed for both of you.

replying to SMarker

I’ve just read your story after you replied to mine. So similar! But I am so happy for you that you are both in a better place now and he got the help he needed. It’s sad when you watch someone waste their life who you care about. X

1 reply

replying to SMarker

Thank you everyone. It’s still really hard even though we are in such a better place. Sometimes he makes comments about it joking around but it makes me so angry. I can’t even have a normal conversation with him about the stuff because I just get so mad then I can’t talk to him. Honestly is anyone the same or am I overreacting

replying to SMarker

If it was an affair you wouldn’t find it funny someone joking about the person they cheated with and I find the cocaine is like an affair, breaks your heart, destroys the trust, makes you doubt everything, so no I don’t find it funny either.

replying to SMarker

By the way I don’t think it’s worth arguing over when he’s worked so hard ( I wish my husband could do 9 months clean) .but I’m saying I can totally see why it hurts.

replying to SMarker

You are not overreacting, its normal that you feel traumatised and dont find it funny. Dont doubt yourself.

1 reply

replying to SMarker

Update. I did let things bottle up and it all got too much, I asked him to do a drug test. Which he passed. I feel so bad sometimes as I feel like any change I’m on at him questioning things & when I get in that state I could just walk away even though he’s done nothing. I’ve become so paranoid I hate it. He’s doing everything possible to reassure me but it’s still so hard 😭

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