Hi everyone, this would be my second actual post on here although I couldn't count the times I've sat and wrote pages and pages and decided to delete it all.
The good news is guess is in terms of my addiction and problems, honestly for the first time in best part of 10 years I feel in a good place. It's like something has finally switched in my head and I feel like the poisen I've been using has no place in my life. Anyone who has been through addiction will probably know what I mean. I've told myself 1000 times that's it, I'm done, but for some reason and I can't explain it. This feels different.
The issue now is, and the reason for this post. Is the aftermath and trail of destruction I've left behind.
I've comes clean to my partner and told her everything. This isn't the first time I've admitted things but I always carried on and found new ways to hide it.
Despite the hurt and the lies and all of the bad things I have done I honestly, hand in my heart, love my girlfriend and I know some people may not understand but it's always been like there's 2 people in me. The normal person who I portray and the dark secret person who lies, steals, manipulates and has been gripped by cocaine for as long as I can remember.
My girlfriend now, and I can't blame her, is so hurt by everything and learning that so many things have been a lie doesn't think she can every forgive me and to be honest I think we are over.
In my heart I completely understand and from outside looking in I know she deserves better.
But nothing I ever did was ever intentionally to hurt her, I despise myself for what I've put her through over the years and knowing the life we could of had by now considering the money I've hidden and wasted and I mean probably close to 100k I wouldn't blame anyone for hating me.
But I know that I have so much love to give her, so much happiness to offer and this time completely free of this dark secret.
Selfishly of course I don't think I could cope without her. Not in a possessive way, but I mean that she literally is the only thing in my life worth fighting for and I know it sounds pathetic because I've lied to her for years but without her I know that the drugs would eventually ruin me.
We have a 4 month daughter now too and I want to be the man I have always pretended to be and the man they deserve but am I being selfish to expect her to give me a chance after everything or do I have to accept this is my own fault and its too late?
There's so much more I want to say but I guess that's the short version.
If I could go back and do everything again and warn myself of how bad things get when at first it seemed so minor and innocent I would because imagine finally having everything you've ever wanted to have to watch it slip away for the one part of you that already has caused so much damage