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15 years of addiction & lies

I am not sure what this story is going to look like when finally written as if I finally get to say it out loud. I feel like I have to live a double life because of him and it makes me resent him even more. As I type that sentence I could feel my blood boil. On the outside we seem like the perfect family. The beautiful home and a stable life. 3 amazing lovely well behaved children who are always active with activities. I found out about 7 years ago that my husband was using cocaine. I've been around enough people who have used to know the signs. I noticed change in behavior and so much much more. I think the secretiveness is what burned me up the most. I always feel like he's hiding something. I hate liars and I ended up with one. How could this possibly be real?! We no longer sleep in the same bed. He sleeps downstairs. In which he has easy access to the office computer. Last October I found evidence that he met up with an escort at a hotel. He swears it didnt happen after all because his payment failed. I couldnt feel anything. The most I felt was angry. I couldnt feel hurt. I feel like I've already hurt enough, how much more pain is there to bare. He also drinks and tries to hide that too because I've already explained to him the minute I see him drinking I associate it to him using because that is the routine. I have no clue what to do with this situation. I feel lost and tired of hiding from the world. I do right by people and believe in doing good for people but I always feel like his karma will one day get me. There is so much more to this addiction... this hell.... but I'd be writing a novel.

replying to Livingwithhislies

Hiya I hope your ok....

I know the feeling of the lies & hurt, it becomes normal life in the end to them because that is their only way out of things.

My partner used to look up escorts on hes phone ( I would never know wether he actually met one or not)

Always stating out never coming home for days, all while I spent most days pretending to everyone that everything was so lovely and we was a perfect family! That is so hard to keep up to everyone because deep down you hate the person that is causing it all and the fact you are lying for them and covering their disgusting habit makes you feel even worse.

I had had enough after years and years of the same crap, so the final straw was when he dissapeared for a week, I was an absolute mess I thought he had died as he had no phone and didn't contact. ( he was just completely off hes head with scum)

So I decided to have my locks changed and pack all hes things up and told him he had to go.

My eyes had been opened I didn't want this life anymore, not sleeping properly, making dinners for the invisible, being lonely, my son not having a decent father in hes life.

He knows I have had enough and he is on the road to sorting hes life out, but he has a long way to go, and I have to be tough on him because I never ever ever will put up with that again. I hope you manage to sort things with your husband x

replying to Livingwithhislies

Hi,

I'm sorry to read your post and see how you're feeling about your husband's addiction. I'm sorry you feel so lost. Please contact us at Icarus Trust as we are a charity that supports people having to deal with a family member's addiction. We know how hard it is and offer a range of services. If you get in touch one of our Family Friends will speak to you. They are our trained and experienced people who are good listeners. maybe talking with one of them would help.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website www.icarustrust.org

Good luck to you.

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