I feel so hopeless and scared for the future. I am 21 years old, and I live with my mother and siblings. My mother took great care of us all, and she put her all in to care for us when we were younger. When she was a young child, she started having heart palpitations. As she got older, the palpitations stayed, and she started having anxiety and panic attacks. She was also becoming depressed. She was abused as a young child and has had quite a few traumatic events throughout her childhood. After she had her 3rd baby, she has prescribed clonazepam along with some beta-blocker medication. She was on this medication for many years. The medicine seemed to work well for her. After years of being on this medication, her new primary care physician lowered her dose of clonazepam. This caused my mom to resort to buying a few off of somebody every month. She was then given another primary care physician who took her off the clonazepam completely. The clonazepam my mom buys every month is never enough to make it the whole month. She takes one clonazepam a day.
Every month there will be nearly a week where she has none left and has to wait until she can get more. One day of not taking it turns my mom into somebody I don’t know and somebody who makes me feel dread to wake up the next day. She gets extremely sick and can’t sleep for days. Her heartbeat will increase. Every little thing pushes her over the edge. When she doesn’t have her medicine for those few days, I find myself crying in my room, trying not to be heard. I usually have a breakdown because she will yell about how much she hates living and wants to die. She talks about wanting to run away from everybody. My mom is like a beat friend to me when she stable. When she's unstable, she talks about how lonely she is and how she has nobody. This hurts me because I'm there for my mom always, and everything I do for her doesn't help her. I feel useless.
On days like that, I do my best to make sure my siblings are doing okay because I know how painful it is to hear my mom says when she is like this. When she finally gets the medicine back in her system, I know I’ll have a couple of weeks that will be more peaceful. I know that I don’t need to walk on eggshells nearly as much. I don’t have to fear her lashing out at us during that time. I asked my mom how much clonazepam she has left, and she only has one more day’s worth. This means life is going to get dreadful in a day or two. Today I asked my mom if she would ever be willing to go to a detox treatment center one day in the future. I asked because I know she suffers significantly, having to go through withdrawal every month. She started crying when I asked that and said she is trapped and wants to die. She thinks she’s a hopeless cause and doesn’t think detoxing would help. She says this because when she had my baby sister two years ago, she was off her medicine and her mental well-being during pregnancy was terrible. She was severely depressed, and she looked and felt awful every single day. After my sister was born, she still was not doing well. She started retaking clonazepam so she can care for all of her kids and function.
I don’t know if she’d ever been willing to detox. I don’t think she would be willing. I have tried everything in my power to be helpful to her. I help around the house and care for my younger siblings. I’m the one who runs errands, and I’m the one that keeps our family afloat while my mom I struggling. My sister is only two, and my other sister is thirteen. My siblings see their dads, but my two-year-old sister would never be able to live with her dad as he’s not stable and probably never will be. He gets to visit and see her, but that’s it. My other sister could live with her dad if it were ever necessary as he's a good and stable man.
After years of watching my mom suffer like this and having to endure the monthly breakdowns, I don’t know how many more months I can handle. I’m in college, and I’m trying to do my best, so I can get accepted into a nursing program. I still have at least two years of school left. If I had a good job right now, I think I would move and take my little sister with me and have my other sister live with her dad. I wish I were in the position to do this now, but I’m not. I want to get married someday and be somebody’s wife. I want to be able to care for my future husband and children. I think those dreams will have to change a bit if my mom refuses to seek help. I will probably have to raise my little sister, and I hope I find somebody who understands that. I wouldn’t call having to raise my little sister “baggage,” but it’s certainly something that won’t be easy. I don’t know what I want from sharing on this forum. I felt I needed to vent because I have no one to talk to. I have no friends. I spent a good chunk of my teenage years caring for my mom and talking her off a metaphorical ledge. Has anybody else had a similar experience? Has anybody been able to have a happy life even if their parent refuses to seek help? If so what did you do to overcome any hurt that you've experienced? Is there hope for me and my sister's lives? Is there any advice you have? Thank you to whoever reads this. I just needed to vent.