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Feeling hopeless

Hi,

I feel so hopeless and scared for the future. I am 21 years old, and I live with my mother and siblings. My mother took great care of us all, and she put her all in to care for us when we were younger. When she was a young child, she started having heart palpitations. As she got older, the palpitations stayed, and she started having anxiety and panic attacks. She was also becoming depressed. She was abused as a young child and has had quite a few traumatic events throughout her childhood. After she had her 3rd baby, she has prescribed clonazepam along with some beta-blocker medication. She was on this medication for many years. The medicine seemed to work well for her. After years of being on this medication, her new primary care physician lowered her dose of clonazepam. This caused my mom to resort to buying a few off of somebody every month. She was then given another primary care physician who took her off the clonazepam completely. The clonazepam my mom buys every month is never enough to make it the whole month. She takes one clonazepam a day.

Every month there will be nearly a week where she has none left and has to wait until she can get more. One day of not taking it turns my mom into somebody I don’t know and somebody who makes me feel dread to wake up the next day. She gets extremely sick and can’t sleep for days. Her heartbeat will increase. Every little thing pushes her over the edge. When she doesn’t have her medicine for those few days, I find myself crying in my room, trying not to be heard. I usually have a breakdown because she will yell about how much she hates living and wants to die. She talks about wanting to run away from everybody. My mom is like a beat friend to me when she stable. When she's unstable, she talks about how lonely she is and how she has nobody. This hurts me because I'm there for my mom always, and everything I do for her doesn't help her. I feel useless.

On days like that, I do my best to make sure my siblings are doing okay because I know how painful it is to hear my mom says when she is like this. When she finally gets the medicine back in her system, I know I’ll have a couple of weeks that will be more peaceful. I know that I don’t need to walk on eggshells nearly as much. I don’t have to fear her lashing out at us during that time. I asked my mom how much clonazepam she has left, and she only has one more day’s worth. This means life is going to get dreadful in a day or two. Today I asked my mom if she would ever be willing to go to a detox treatment center one day in the future. I asked because I know she suffers significantly, having to go through withdrawal every month. She started crying when I asked that and said she is trapped and wants to die. She thinks she’s a hopeless cause and doesn’t think detoxing would help. She says this because when she had my baby sister two years ago, she was off her medicine and her mental well-being during pregnancy was terrible. She was severely depressed, and she looked and felt awful every single day. After my sister was born, she still was not doing well. She started retaking clonazepam so she can care for all of her kids and function.

I don’t know if she’d ever been willing to detox. I don’t think she would be willing. I have tried everything in my power to be helpful to her. I help around the house and care for my younger siblings. I’m the one who runs errands, and I’m the one that keeps our family afloat while my mom I struggling. My sister is only two, and my other sister is thirteen. My siblings see their dads, but my two-year-old sister would never be able to live with her dad as he’s not stable and probably never will be. He gets to visit and see her, but that’s it. My other sister could live with her dad if it were ever necessary as he's a good and stable man.

After years of watching my mom suffer like this and having to endure the monthly breakdowns, I don’t know how many more months I can handle. I’m in college, and I’m trying to do my best, so I can get accepted into a nursing program. I still have at least two years of school left. If I had a good job right now, I think I would move and take my little sister with me and have my other sister live with her dad. I wish I were in the position to do this now, but I’m not. I want to get married someday and be somebody’s wife. I want to be able to care for my future husband and children. I think those dreams will have to change a bit if my mom refuses to seek help. I will probably have to raise my little sister, and I hope I find somebody who understands that. I wouldn’t call having to raise my little sister “baggage,” but it’s certainly something that won’t be easy. I don’t know what I want from sharing on this forum. I felt I needed to vent because I have no one to talk to. I have no friends. I spent a good chunk of my teenage years caring for my mom and talking her off a metaphorical ledge. Has anybody else had a similar experience? Has anybody been able to have a happy life even if their parent refuses to seek help? If so what did you do to overcome any hurt that you've experienced? Is there hope for me and my sister's lives? Is there any advice you have? Thank you to whoever reads this. I just needed to vent.

replying to thisdevotedheart

Hi Thisdevotedheart,

Welcome to the Forum. I hope you can find some really good help on here and I think by just having a vent you will feel a little bit better.

I am not in the same position as you, but I am sure there are lots of people on here that can help.

The Icarus Trust is another organisation that could help you.

Could you go to your Mums Doctor and speak to them confidentially?

You are going through so much and at such a young age, you have your whole life ahead of you, I admire you for looking after your siblings.

I hope that you find some help soon. Keep chatting on here, it really makes you feel that you are not on your own.

Take care.

Dx

replying to thisdevotedheart

Hi Thisdevotedheart,

I know your problem is very heavy and I wish you well

I've had a similar incident, and I don't know where to go, but I found an organization that you can contact to help you and it helps me you can call this number https://jpst.it/2sQE1

I hope this helps

they help people who are addicted to it

Take Care

1 reply

replying to thisdevotedheart

Sorry to hear you are having to deal with all of this. As it’s a new doctor that prescribed the lower dose maybe they thought this would be suitable for your mom but it sounds like the doctor hasn’t checked back to see how the lower dose has worked out. If you could speak to them and explain I imagine the doctor would put the dose back to the original amount, or was there a reason the dose was reduced? . If this doctor isn’t helpful maybe you could help your mom to find a new doctor as it does sound like something a medical professional needs to help you with.

1 reply

replying to Notmyrealname

She was on some other form of Medicaid, and a few years ago, they started switching her doctor every year. Same with my grandmother. The doctors are usually new doctors who haven't been practicing for long. My mom explained to one of her previous doctors how the dose was lowered. She offered no help in this situation. I went to that appointment with my mom to explain what I see happening during my mom’s good times and bad times. The lady just came off very cold. When my mom got pregnant (I believe I was 19), she switched to another Medicaid form. This allowed her to pick a doctor that accepted that insurance rather than it being a random new doctor. She chose the doctor she did because the doctor could also serve as a doctor for my baby sister. My mom was pregnant at this point, and she had still been taking what medicine she had left. This doctor wouldn't prescribe her it, and for the rest of her pregnancy, she struggled terribly. I’m thankful my little sister is healthy and okay even though my mom took the medication for a part of her pregnancy. I wish I knew the exact reason why the dose was reduced the first time. Maybe it's because she's been on it for nearly a decade, and they didn't want her on it anymore. Perhaps it's because they thought she was some “junkie.” Maybe there was another reason I'm not thinking of. I do know that my mom has a long medical history of heart issues and mental health issues.

I know the doctors had access to her medical history. After my sister was born, my mom was recommended a nurse-practitioner. She became a patient at the practice, and the woman was very compassionate and listened to the whole story. She continued prescribing the beta-blocker and some other medications but not the clonazepam. She first wanted to see if there were coping mechanisms we could try for her first. I can't remember the tools she suggested, but whatever they were didn't seem to help. My mom asked for a referral to a psychiatrist because that's the only way she can see one, and she never got the referral (not sure why - I wish she would try and find out). Since then, my mom has been unmotivated to see her care-provider more than just one or two times. I try and remind her about how she should go to see her care-provider so they can build a relationship with her over time to help her. At the beginning of her journey of seeing doctors for help, she seemed motivated, but for the past 1 1/2, that motivation has tanked, never to resurface again.

My mom has a lot of lower back pain, and she's always asking me to crack her back. I do my best, but I'm not a chiropractor and refuse to crack her back in any dangerous way. My mom talked about how badly she wanted to go to a chiropractor. I surprised her with an appointment with one of the best chiropractors in town. This chiropractor accepted cash, and his prices were transparent. I got the money out of the ATM. I let her know about the appointment a few days prior. I made sure she wasn't busy, and I was going to be home with the kiddos. She seemed excited but ended up not wanting to go and was very angry that day. I bring this up because it looks like she denies all help, no matter the situation. Maybe it's because she is so depressed and has a lot of self-hatred no matter how much she is told she is loved and appreciated.

She hasn't told her most recent care provider that she's taking clonazepam whenever she can get it. I wish I could tell her care provider because it would give her a better picture of my mom and her situation. I don't think I could go behind my mom's back and tell her care provider that she gets clonazepam from somebody whenever she can. I fear that she would get in trouble if they knew.

replying to thisdevotedheart

So it does seem when your mom has asked for help it hasn’t always been available so it’s no wonder she has lost a bit of faith. However it sounds like you have stepped in a lot since then which is a lot for you to take on and it’s having a negative affect on you.

Is there any way you could speak to her care provider and explain how your mom was struggling and had even CONSIDERED getting the medication from other sources to see if they can help without dropping her in it? I know they would consider health risks when prescribing but usually they would weigh up the pros and the cons, and it sounds from your explanation that there are more cons when your mom doesn’t take the medication. The other thing I would consider is that if you keep protecting your mom it might be stopping you both from getting the help you need?

1 reply

replying to thisdevotedheart

I might try what you explained. I need to work up the courage to do it. She has already started to withdrawal today and will not have any more pills until the 7th. Maybe I’ll try and start to write down everything I notice about the condition she is in in the next five days since today is almost over where I’m at. Yes, I do question how I feel the need to protect my mom and if it's even helpful. It certainly doesn’t seem to be improving the situation. Thank you so much for your advice. I’m going to pray about it and try and work up the courage.

1 reply

replying to thisdevotedheart

Yes I think keeping a log of it is a sensible thing to do as when your speaking to them you might not be able to think of everything on the spot but if you have it written down you will feel more confident. I understand you being upset and concerned but you can’t be responsible for everything and it sounds like you don’t get any break from it. It does sound like you could really do with medical professionals advice to sort it out but I’m always here for a chat anyway if you just want to let it out. I’m just thinking they might be able to help and ease some of the pressure for you. I’m sure you have done a great job holding everything together for your sisters but don’t forget you should be able to enjoy yourself sometimes aswell.

1 reply

replying to Notmyrealname

How are you? And how is your mom after having the whole week off them medicine?

1 reply

replying to Notmyrealname

I am okay. She was off them for about three days after my first post. The person she gets them from “found” a few more to sell after she was off them for a few days. She only gave her a few. I think she ran out again either yesterday or today. She was being lovely yesterday. Today I woke up to her screaming about me. She sounded like she hates me. I assume she ran out because she only treats me this way without it. She said she wants to run away or die which is usual for days like this.

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