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I don’t know what to do :(

Hi,

Sorry for the long post. I’m joining this forum as I am at a loss on where to go from here or what to do next.

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, when I met him he was honest that during his teenage years, he was addicted to weed and occasionally did cocaine.

However over the last few years I have found out he still takes cocaine, I have found evidence of empty packets, he’s stolen money from me, his family and his friends to buy drugs also. Sometimes he denies taking drugs and sometimes he admits it, but the worst part is the way he gaslights me. I have literally seen dealers throw drugs over the fence or watch him approach a car, yet he will always say I’m seeing things or making things up in my head. Tonight I physically caught someone dropping off drugs and confronted my bf, who after 5 min of denying, came clean. Tonight he admitted he’s addicted to coke and will take it a few times a month. I know he has no money and has taken out loans, he says they are not for drugs but he can’t tell me what they are for. He says he wants help, but I just don’t believe him.

I just don’t know what to do or how to help him.

I want to leave him, and I have nothing stopping me, I own my own house, car and have a good job, so I don’t rely on him financially, I know I should have left years ago but I didn’t, I think I always hoped that if he stopped the addiction and lies, he would be a wonderful partner.

I have no one to talk to, all his friends know he’s dabbled with drugs (some even take them), so I feel they are not the best to talk to. His parents know re his issue with money and drugs, but they also don’t know really how to help and seem to enable him, just like me, by loving him and keeping food on the table and a roof over his head. I can’t tell my parents as I don’t want them to hate him and also whilst they would demand I leave him, I can’t cope with the shame of them feeling sorry for me and their wonderings of “why does our daughter always picks the bad egg”.

I just don’t know what to do, I wish I had more self respect to leave, I wish he would get better and wasn’t a drug addict but wishing won’t do anything and I just don’t know what to do anymore! I’m

Not really sure what posting here will do, as I know what I should do, I just can’t. Maybe it’s to hear from people who are in a similar situation and will help me to realise I am not alone. I have never been around the drug scene, until tonight, I had never seen a real full bag of cocaine(they were always empty but with residue in before). I was brought up in small, quiet villages, drugs were never a thing, even when I went to uni, I was never offered them nor have I been around people doing them (except in amsterdam). This world of drugs, lies and deceit scares me and I’m scared that the dealers know where I live and feel it’s ok to drop drugs off for him (albeit over the fence).

I’m so ashamed I hve ended up with this life, I just wanted a normal life, yet I’m now tangled in this mess and I hate myself for it.

Sorry for the long rant, I do feel better for getting it all out though, it’s the first proper time admitting it all. If anyone has any advice on how to handle the situation, or what to do next, please let me know as I’m so lost.

1 reply

replying to Res19

Hey,

I have been in your situation, it’s awful I thought I was going insane. My boyfriend used to gaslight me too, saying I was crazy and that things I saw wasn’t true. It was mental but I stuck by my word always. I knew I was right and one day after months I got my evidence and confronted him. He admitted to everything and I left, got a one way abroad and told him I was done. That broke me but I needed to get away for myself. I wouldn’t be with someone who took drugs especially behind my back!! Anyway fast forward to now we’re in a great place, he said he would do anything to get me back so he did, he sorted everything including stopping the drugs, cut off friends, off social media etc. He occasionally smokes weed to help him sleep but the cocaine has been out the picture for 6+ months now. He’s a changed man, I have home drug tests if I have any worries and he knows I’ll be gone if it happens again, it took a lot for me to come back but I love him so much and he’s amazing, but I hated him when he was on that crap. All I can say, and advise for you is stay strong, so what’s right for you. Give him the ultimatum, it’s YOUR house and it is not acceptable to have drugs dropped off, you won’t tolerate it. He quits or you leave. Too many people are suffering and it’s not ok. Always here to talk xxx

replying to Res19

Hi,

I'm so sorry to read your post and see the situation you are facing with your boyfriend's drug taking. I'm glad that you have found this forum so that you won't feel so alone. It's difficult when you can't talk to people about what you are dealing with. I work for a charity called Icarus trust. We offer help and support to families dealing with addiction - people like yourself. if you get in touch one of our trained and experienced Family Friends will talk with you and maybe help you to find a way forward.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

replying to SMarker

Thank you for your reply, it’s good to know that I’m not the only one who has been through it, although in an ideal world, no one should have to go through.

I just wish I had the drive to leave him, I am my own worst enemy as I have given him ultimatums before and never stuck to them, which is why the situation has continued.

I wish I knew why I was staying, like I said I don’t rely on him for anything, and yes I love him but slowly think I am falling out of love with him.

The worst thing is the gaslighting, making you feel like you are going mad and seeing things and even when you know you are not, they just deny everything and it’s like talking to a wall.

I said to him “quit or il leave” he finally admitted to having a drug addiction and that he wants help, yet he’s spent the last two days walking around like he’s fine and nothing has changed. I honestly don’t know how I have ended up here.

replying to Res19

Whilst you still have your own house and job- I think you need to get independent of him. Otherwise it will creep further into your life and you might end up losing what stability you have. I would also recommend keeping a private journal to get your emotions out onto paper- also it confirms what is truth and what is a lie. In my opinion, you really need to get out now. I know it is difficult- I am still going through it with a long time partner- but he eroded all my self confidence and self esteem and I am separating from him with nothing left. I should have left years ago- but at least I am leaving now, but I am starting from scratch with my life because of it.

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