I've just discovered that my husband has a secret alcohol dependency problem, and has ordered 137 bottles of malt whisky through amazon costing 3k since the pandemic hit. That's over 65 units a week. He isn't aware I know at the moment - the orders were hidden in his account but I searched through them following suspicions I had after I answered the door to a number of age restricted deliveries for him.
We have a 4 year and and a 2 year old who wakes every 1-2 hours still, so for the past 2 years I've been bedsharing with the youngest and my husband has been sleeping in the spare room. He stays up late in his own and has always struggled with sleep, often getting only a few hours a night.
He was made redundant from a department head role 18 months ago and is still out work. He has been struggling with depression since our eldest was born, when he realised how screwed up his childhood was and how much his parents pushed his needs aside while he was growing up. He's had to be a stay at home dad to our children while I returned to work part time (but still at home) following mat leave this time last year. Due to my health we've pretty much shielded for a year, and nursery has been mostly off the cards due to the cost (and risk). My salary doesn't quite cover our mortgage and bills, so we've been living off my inheritance I received when my dad died 4 years ago. It's been stressful and relentless.
My world has been ripped apart - we've been together for more than 20 years and I've always trusted him. He's been lying to me for a long time, and I suspect this has been going on pre pandemic, there is just no evidence as he was buying stuff from the shops instead. I'm terrified that he's doing so much damage to his body, and also what it will do to our marriage and even more importantly to our children.
He tried an antidepressant a few months ago but agreed with the GP it wasn't working and that he should try something else but he's not followed up. He was seeing a therapist 3 years ago, but stopped when we lost his health insurance cover when he changed jobs. He's had one private session again with the same person recently when a spot opened up from their waitlist. I have a strong suspicion that no one knows about his drinking at all.
What do I do now? I don't make things worse, but I can't sit in silence and need to talk to him about it. I can't stop crying and am barely holding myself together, I can't even bear to be around him as I'm so hurt and just want it in the open.