Feeling guilty. My brother is a cocaine addict and his teeth are all wrecked as a result. Just texted to check in and he's said he's in terrible pain and asked me for money to see the dentist. I said I would meet him at the dentist tomorrow with money, or take him to the station to get home to my mum (she's set up a dentist appointment for him on Monday at her dentist) but I'm not just transferring money to his account tonight. I feel bad - toothache is awful and I worry that him being in pain might be a trigger to use or do something silly (his mental health is terrible), but I can't give him money can I?!
The requests have escalated - so so difficult to trust him and know whether he's telling the truth, but I'm trying to trust my instincts and say no money
I may be a little late replying as it may be sorted now but maybe some advice for if something like this happens again.
Im guessing from the post that he has a history of borrowing money and it going on drugs and obviously we all know that someone who is craving drugs will try anything to get money for them.
I don't know what stage he is at or if he is currently still using it or if he is recovering etc.
If it is a genuine thing he will probably feel like you're being hard on him because he could this time be telling the truth. If you've said no but he is then coming back trying to put more pressure that could be either because it is genuine and he is hurt that you aren't willing to help straight away as he wants or due to the fact his cravings are getting worse and he is desperate.
Its such a hard situation to be in as you don't want to fuel his habit if it is actually for drugs. You don't want him to suffer if it is the truth and also the worry of what else he might try to do to get money if its for drugs as you suspect.
You've done the right thing. Don't be feel pressured. Think about things logically. What time is it? Is the dentist even open? Can you call the dentist and offer to pay over the phone for the appointment? Can you purchase a ticket online for him to collect at the train station. In this day and age you can do most things remotely so if he genuinely wants your help for his tooth. You couldnexpla6rhe reasons why you don't want to send him money but will still help and he would be thankful that you're offering to help.
If he is insistent that he needs the money himself there and then it would lead me to believe its not for the dentist.
I know its hard but tough love is what someone with addiction nesds. Short term they won't like it but eventually I'm sure he will understand that youre only looking out for his best interest.
I hope that helps in some way and please never feel guilty as its clear you care alot for him and he is lucky to have a sister like you
Thanks for your reply. I didn't give money in the end. I messaged to see how he was doing and if he got to the dentist but got no response. It's so frustrating that he is making life so much harder for himself.
He says he hasn't used for a while but I'm not sure what to believe. And if he does get clean then it won't last because he's not taking up support with CA, so he's not learning about how to cope with triggers or what to do when he's feeling low. I felt sad today - the sun was out and there were so many groups of lads out enjoying themselves. He's still young and should be out having fun not shut away on his own in his dirty house, it's just so sad.
The fact there was no reply probably confirms your suspicions that it was just a story and you did the right thing. But like I said please don't beat yourself up.
I know what you mean about seeing the groups of lads out and the way it made you feel as at one point I went from being one of the lads out in the sun to the guy sitting in his room alone looking out at them.
Unfortunately with any addiction I don't think anyone will quit until they truly want to he needs to want to stop himself. This normally happens when a person gets to the point where they feel they have lost so much and they don't want to lose any more which is sad. Because it means they have to go through so much heart ache first.
In all honesty I wish I could go back and warn myself about what my future would end up like and tell myself to stop way before it got to the point it did because I nearly lost everything.
Maybe show him this forum and show him some of the posts of people. Who are in similar situations. I don't know if it's allowed but I'd be more than happy to talk to him. I'm 29 so just about still in the age bracket where he might listen to what I have to say because I just wasted the best years of my life like 21 to 28 on this stuff and would do anything to be able to go back and reliventhemvwithiut my addiction.
Stay strong and I hope you and you're brother are well xx
Hi lizzie 1220 and James B my son is a cocaine addict and I can tell you over the last 3 years he has emotionally blackmailed us to the tune of over 40k. I am.now with a debt management company and will be paying it off for another 4 years. It transpired he has been doing it since he was 18 but we didn't know. He was a heavy gambler and had loans amounting to 10k by the time he was 24. He married at 28 had a son at 30 and divorced by 32. He's only ever had 3 serious relationships since he was 18 and each one of them has ended up down the pan because of his addictions. His girlfriend ended it on Friday, she couldn't do it anymore. His total disregard for all those close to him became too much. He had spent his rent money this time and begged us to help and we have agreed to pay it when it's due. We know this is wrong and completely against everything we're told but we have made a pact, his dad and me, that this is the absolute last time and next time we are united and walk away. He did seem different yesterday though as if the penny dropped and what he had lost again so I'm hoping something might actually have sunk in. He told me he cried all day Saturday and was very sad. He lives in a flat on his own, has lost all his friends and sees no one apart from work and his gorgeous boy at weekends. He has a fantastic relationship with his son but he knows he is very close to losing him too if it continues. Anyway I guess what I'm getting round to is you absolutely did the right thing by not handing over the money. Keep being strong not weak like us even though it will hurt and you will suffer abuse for not giving him what he asking for. My son's teeth are terrible too and he had one removed last year. I'm just waiting for his nose to collapse which will be a shame as he's a handsome boy. It's the devil's powder and I'm.just so sad our loved ones dance to his tune.
Thanks for posting your story. so sorry that you are having to deal with the impact of your brother's cocaine use, and I'm sorry you feel so sad but I'm sure you're doing the right thing by him. I'm glad that you have found this forum and if you would like to talk with other people who would understand how you feel you might like to contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers help to people dealing with addiction in their family as we know how difficult this can be. We have specially trained and experienced people called Family Friends who you could talk with if you get in touch.
You can contact Icarus Trust on firstname.lastname@example.org or visit our website www.icarustrust.org
All the best to you.