: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

3 replies

My lack of trust is destroying us - coke

So I posted on here at Xmas after I found out my husband was using coke near enough every day in secret for months ( or at least that I knew if) it was around the kids too - one time whilst I was in hospital for 4 days with our youngest is just one example while he had the other child .anyhow it came to a head on Boxing Day ( as prev post ) and I threatened to leave with the kids and he swore to me that was the end of it and he had just had a “ blip” he had been struggling with work and lockdown .

Fast forward 4 months. For a few months all fine then Lockdown has started to lift and he’s meeting his “ coke mates “ again who have no issues with their habits - fine asking as it doesn’t involve my HB. Anyway He’s still drinking every single night ( always has had bit of a taste for drink ) but he seems to spends a lot more nights recently getting properly drunk , the rest a few bottles a night which I keep nagging that it isn’t Normal but he has no issues with it ( he is also on antidepressants can I add ) .

But for the last 6 weeks I’m pretty sure I’ve noted that “ coke “ look I’m pretty sure I have - he eyes are different and he treats me all softly softly - you would think the opposite but he knows better from the previous time I dug until I found facts what he had been doing.

The amount of times I have outted him on a paranoia argument recently - well I’ve lost count , I can’t help but get wound up when he’s gone meeting people who I know will be taking . I’ve become my own worst enemy and have told him what happened at Christmas with the deceit and lies will sit with me for a long time .

I know my marriage cannot continue like this - every day nearly I’m watching him , and I wonder is it the drinking or the coke again?! . I play happy families to my kids and yet I feel alone and am waiting for the next bombshell from him . I’ve lost trust on this aspect - I love him I do - but I have resentment deep down because of what he’s done I can’t se to get past it .

To make things worse there are certain friends who were part of his little secret previously popping up again for “ beers” after work - and he knows I’m suspicious of them - so I thought I’d test him ( horrible I know and I would never do this normally I swear ) but I asked to see his messages from this certain friend since our Xmas bust up . My husband stalled but showed me texts and WhatsApp but surprise all the conversation history is deleted on both - like he’s never spoken to him ever! . So I asked him how often he sees his friend - twice a week and said everything is arranged by phone . Thing is this “friend” previously used to msg my HB arranging the drugs/ drop offs etc.

My husband then stormed out taking the dog out - came back an hour later smelling of booze with the claim he deleted his messages off his friend because he had been asking for drug dealers numbers and wouldn’t like me to see that ?! ..... what am I meant to think or do ?! I’m an angry , suspicious, wife who doesn’t know what to believe of her husband anymore . It’s eating me up ... any advice or just to talk appreciated ... I can’t tell anyone

He swears he hasn’t relapsed by the way .. but this behaviour doesn’t add up to me :(

1 reply

replying to Purpleheart

Hi, I use to be an alcoholic and cocaine user for more than 20 years and let me tell you what I say to my clients who's been in your situation.

First of all, by reading what you wrote, I can clearly see that he's probably lying to you. Most of the time, an addict has a victim mentality and tends to blame others for what's happening in their life.

When you have an addiction like cocaine or alcohol, you'll try to evade any questions about that subject by coming up with excuses that don't make sense.

Like the one where he told you that he had erased the text messages because his friend was asking him drug dealer's numbers, and he knew you wouldn't like it.

If an addict can't think of an excuse right away, storming out is a suitable defense mechanism.

When addiction takes over, an addict will do anything to feed his addiction. Unfortunately, that means lying to the one closest to you. His addiction has become bigger than him, and the worst part is, he probably thinks he has it under control or doesn't have a problem at all.

And take it from me, an ex-addict, when you get sober, you don't hang out with people who are still taking drugs or alcohol.

You can try to help him if he admits that he has an addiction. I know it might be a long shot, but I've seen it happens more times than you know. Having a conversation without confronting him and telling him how hurt and sad it makes you feel might help.

If that's not an option anymore, well..... it's up to you to make your own happiness and whatever you choose to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Hope that helps a little, and I wish you the best.

replying to DaveD

Hi

I desperately need some advice

I too found out my husband was a cocaine addict last summer but he only admitted to me that he had a problem with it in November.

At this point I was on the brink of putting the divorce proceedings in place and we were trying to agree financial settlements -it was very one sided (mine). He was still denying he had a cocaine problem until I found a bag of Coke and so he was finally backed into a corner.

I now recognise the signs when he’s taken / taking it (smokes a lot more/ drinking more/ avoiding me / stays up late etc).

In November the deal then was

- we divorce and he leaves or

- he gets help

I sat with him whilst he self-referred himself - he took weekly calls as the lockdown stopped face to face support meetings

He missed a few calls and spoke quite ‘arrogantly’ about it saying they weren’t really doing anything and that he was managing on his own

I told him to stay with them (as I feared he was still taking it)

He is a very good liar- but not as good as he thinks anymore.

He did finish with them and they signed him off saying he’d done really well

Since then (2.5 months ago) he’s on it again.

Never has he been honest first although he’s promised he will be “next time”.

He seems to do things that will upset me and then will lead to an argument and then he uses cocaine and says it was my fault for causing the argument!!!

I have a very responsible job and it’s affected my performance - hugely

At this point - it’s the lies that have destroyed our marriage and our family more than the actual drug taking.

He says to me I have caused he ‘relapses’ and that I haven’t supported him.

He takes it in our family home literally anywhere, and is now taking it in the next room to me. This is so risky! Why would he do that knowing I could walk in? But then when I find the traces of Coke and confront him about where he’s taken it - he denies it for days on end.

Anyway- I’ve hit rock-bottom and now I need to him to leave - for my own mental health. I love him but I don’t like him anymore and I don’t like our life anymore.

Please help with some advice for me to move forward and I guess some reassurance that I’ve done all I can to help him 💁🏻‍♀️

Thank you

replying to Purpleheart

DaveD thanks for the words I appreciate another view . I know deep down he’s likely to be lying as for someone who did it everyday for god knows how long to just cut it completely - I can’t buy into it .

I’m still watching him and I’ve ended up yet again saying I don’t trust him . He’s come home numerous nights again looking not just right still .. but drinking every night I honestly can’t tell the difference and have asked him to have a night of the drink to see my actual husband without a drop of booze . And then This is how I’m hanging on by a thread during an argument - telling him I want him to take a home drugs test to prove himself .. as I write this I know I sound neurotic . But he’s still deleting the “coke mates “ messages (he doesn’t know I know that ). And every night/morning we have this running nose from hay fever!!

I’m trying to care for my small kids , run a house and keep my job and just basically keeping the front up to the outside world .

I feel like if I take my eye off the ball and let this sink in - it’s going to engulf me and I have no one to talk to.

Bottom line - think I’m just waiting to find the next thing ..

CLB - it’s a hard place where we sit . Sounds so similar . It’s horrendous and I’m sorry your going through this too . Don’t doubt yourself - you have given as much as you can . The rest is up to him and that’s his choice if that’s with or without you as brutal as that sounds .

Wishing you lots of luck and strength x

replying to Purpleheart

I do help people with no addiction to understand addicts better to decide on their own what to do. It's an online, face-to-face meeting, and I do ask for a minimum fee. I don't know if I'm allowed to post my site here, but if you're interested READ MORE HERE a leave a message on my site. I wish you the best.

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