: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

7 replies

My fiancé’s addiction to cocaine

My fiancé who I’ve been with 2 years has finally admitted he has an addiction to cocaine. I knew he used heavily before he met me - he claimed to have stopped when he met me because he knows I don’t agree with it and throughout our relationship things weren’t adding up, I was finding empty bags etc and the explanations were sketchy.

My issue is that I have no one to talk to about this, I have a couple of friends both of which are too immature and would judge. I can’t talk to my family because they’ve got my best interests at heart and would hate him. He only has 2 siblings and they both know but quite frankly don’t care. He’s taking around an 8th every other day. He’s started going to NA meetings but today he fell asleep during it and because I kept waking him up he left the meeting claiming it was because I’m nagging. I know deep down it’s not my fault but I’m a fixer so I’ll say sorry regardless.

I feel like I’m enabling his habit - he says he wants to quit and I can really see that he means it. Someone he knows quit by cutting down so that’s the path he’s taking. It just doesn’t seem to be getting him anywhere though. I feel like saying ‘that’s it you’re not doing this anymore. Not in our house and not in our relationship’ but i know that’s harsh and likely to fuel a drug binge. At the minute he tells me when he’s doing it and how much etc. But am I being an enabler? I question him, he gets defensive. But I’m really at breaking point after what he’s done in his meeting today. I’ve took the keys for the house, we’ve spoken about locking him in for 3 weeks, giving him no way to get anything but surely that can do more harm than good?

I’m just at a loss of what to do and I feel so alone. I’m not leaving him, I love him with all my heart, but this is heartbreaking and mentally ruining me.

replying to Louisa2021

Hi Louisa,

Sorry to read what you're currently going through, it really is a evil drug, like most drugs the outcome are never good.

I have a friend, I've known them for several years, been on a more personal level for nearly 2 years.

At first I wanted a relationship with him, he's a really nice guy when he's not using, but I know now I don't want that anymore. I do want to be his friend, my biggest wish is one day he will tell me he's drug free. It's the constant worry of what will happen when he uses.

Over the last year he's use was spiraling out of control, he's now using less and according to him he's better. He's not.

He uses for up to 18 hours at a time, he says and does some pretty nasty things when using, but I've learnt recently not to enable him. Basically he would message when using being perversed, at the start I would engage in flirtatious banter, but I know that's feeding into his addiction. I borrowed him money on a couple of occasions, but told him I will not do that whilst he's using as that's directly/indirectly enabling him.

I know he feels embarrassed, shamed and guilty about the things he says and does, but I won't tolerate it and will call him out on his behaviour, however that then feels like I'm pushing him away and I'm scared of not knowing what will happen to him.

It's so easy for people to say ignore and block him, but what happens when he hits rock bottom, if he overdoses, atleast he knows I would be there if the worst was to happen.

It's hard to let go, but something deep inside keeps telling me walk away.

I've learnt to not engage and make clear my disappointment in him and if he wants help to change his lifestyle then I want to be part of that.

replying to Louisa2021

Hi Louisa,

So sorry to read what you are going through and sad that you don't have anyone to talk with who would understand.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We have trained people called Family Friends who are experienced in listening and supporting people like yourself to find a way through this. If you contact the Trust you would be assigned a Family Friend who you could talk to in complete confidence.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website www.icarustrust.org

I hope that this helps Good luck.

1 reply

replying to Louisa2021

Louisa2021, look for a NarAnon meeting. You will meet so many people that have a similar story to yours. This support group will help you through this. Try a different NarAnon meeting if the meeting(s) you find aren't beneficial for you. If you're not married and you don't have children with this man, most people will tell you to get away from him for good. That's my advice as you will have a better life experience without him.

replying to Louisa2021

My boyfriend was similar to yours in that he told me that we was slowly cutting down, and using less and less cocaine. He was open about his use and would let me throw his drugs away if I ever found them. It really seemed like he was trying to stop. Sounds exactly like your story.

But as time went on, he became more distant. And forget trying to throw bags away, as that would create a whole mess of a situation. Same issue with alcohol also as he seems to do both together. He’ll stay up all night from doing cocaine and have a beer in his hand at 8 in the morning the next day. I don’t know what happened.

I recently moved out and into a new apartment to get some space from the situation. I miss him like crazy but am afraid of what this will do to my future and already deteriorating mind.

The sad thing is, as I was packing my bags and telling him that I was moving because of his drug use, I think that just led to him binging more on it. So I was just packing my things trying not to cry as my boyfriend just numbed his feelings with drugs. Lovely.

1 reply

replying to Louisa2021

Louisa2021, I’m so sorry to read about what you’re going through. My boyfriend is a life long addict, mainly crack is his drug of choice. He goes through phases, he uses less when he is happier, he uses more when he’s a bit stressed or unbalanced.

If you’ve been together for 2 years and he was a heavy user before, perhaps he has just always had and will be a drug user in varying degrees. Perhaps meeting you was so positive that he cut right back and it was virtually undetectable? - my boyfriend does this too, when he is good.

My boyfriend told me time and time again he wanted to stop, but he was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. In truth he enjoys it. We’ve totally gone full circle now, and although our relationship can be chaotic, I’ve accepted who he is and that his addiction is HIS lifestyle choice and that’s totally on him. We’ve known each other a long while and don’t get me wrong I am sooo anti drugs, but as long as what he does doesn’t impact me, it’s up to him. He knows that means if I don’t want to be around him because he’s on it/is on a come-down, he has to accept that. Sometimes he’d rather spend time with me, so he’ll compromise a bit. Equally though, sometimes I want to spend time with him for whatever reason and he just wants to get on it. Those times can feel harsh, sometimes we argue about that. I do suffer with feelings of rejection sometimes, most of the time I get on and it’s short lived. If he really wants it, NOTHING stops him.

Ultimately, the point I’m making it isn’t the life I’d of chosen for myself, he has bad days, the physical wear and tear drugs have on the body are very apparent, and not pretty, but he’s happy, as much as he can be. One day he may stop totally, I don’t know, until then, he’s happy and that means we are good.

Sending you kindness and strength xx

replying to Louisa2021

Cocaine is the devil. Prepare yourself for the worst.

replying to Liberty

Liberty,

I am in awe at your mindset and strength. Sometimes I wish I could reach this point of acceptance and distance myself from the situation when it happens, but it is so difficult in practice. Ultimately, so many people on this forum are in the same position in their relationships but they don’t want to walk away, so I guess the only alternative is the acceptance you describe.

How do you know that you can trust him? I’ve found messages on my husbands phone to other women, calls from suspect numbers (when I’ve googled them), and this is what plays on my mind the most. It’s perhaps one thing to accept the drug taking behaviour but it’s difficult to accept the other behaviours that go with it.

Take care, and thank you for what you wrote - it’s really helpful.

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