So I’m 5 years in,
I’ve been his rock, paid his debts, I ran the house and worked while he spent our money on a range of drugs,
He led us both down that path but it wasn’t for me, I got out.
We hung on to each other through 3 miscarriages, I thought we wanted the same thing
But when corona hit he was in a downward spiral already, moved out and back to his mums where he and his best friend have spent almost every other day since getting wasted on beer and cocaine.
I was pregnant again, I fell apart when he left but I found strength and got help, I got into counseling and dragged myself out of depression, this time and I think because I was finally away from the stress of his screaming and anger I had a beautiful baby girl - she’s the love of my life!! And I’m the best me I’ve ever been. I’m far from perfect but I’m happy, I’m kind and I’m the best mummy. I think I always felt guilty so doing that stuff never sat with me well, and until I met him I had no clue or interest in it so I guess I had a lucky escape. I was always aware of the waste of money and how dirty I’d feel if my family found out.
He was high the whole time, even the night before I had her,
Skip to now,
I love him! I really do! I couldn’t hate him if I tried!, that would make this all so much easier.
But no change,
Always an excuse,
It’s football! It’s darts! It’s my day off!
He spends his wages the month before on tick, and betting and beer and then expects people to feel sorry for him that he’s broke but no one knows where his money is going but me, he skips food for 3 or more days at a time, I helped him put weight on but he’s back to skin n bones, am I the only one who sees it?
I see him maybe once a week so he can see our baby and he cries that he misses us but then follows it up by collecting his friend and doing more.
He drives my car because I want to help him and he needs to work, I buy him a meal if we go out when I see him, I encourage him to be around baby in the hope he will make some effort to curb his addiction.
He’s living at his mothers still, the slightest thing sends him on a crazy screaming crying and ranting thing.
Last night again, I had no idea he had left me and gone straight home to do that, i sent a text just asking why after such a lovely day together and why so quick as it had only been around half an hour, he lost the plot! Screaming and crying and punching, he called me in the middle of it, his friend was with him, watching him, I could hear his mum in the background begging him to calm down.
It scares me that he can’t see how crazy this all is! That his friend just watches on!! And his mum thinks it’s just beer! She blames me, thinking I’m the one winding him up, she has no clue that it’s cocaine that’s twisting his brain.
And today I wake up feeling so lost, I cry over him, I want him back but I’m scared he will never stop!
We watched a man he knew and didn’t like become homeless and beg in our town, we watched him walk the streets shouting and then we saw the headlines when he was found dead a year later.
He won’t even think about how this will be him.
I’m scared for him, I love him, I don’t want to walk away and leave him with nothing to live for but he shows no signs of even trying.
He said he misses me and our baby but I no the routine, he’s on a 2 day cycle and it’s destroying him. He even considers his dealers as close friends. I no there is no hope, I just wish I had a friend who I could confide in that could hug me right now as I’m mourning a beautiful man that’s killing himself.