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5 years in

So I’m 5 years in,

I’ve been his rock, paid his debts, I ran the house and worked while he spent our money on a range of drugs,

He led us both down that path but it wasn’t for me, I got out.

We hung on to each other through 3 miscarriages, I thought we wanted the same thing

But when corona hit he was in a downward spiral already, moved out and back to his mums where he and his best friend have spent almost every other day since getting wasted on beer and cocaine.

I was pregnant again, I fell apart when he left but I found strength and got help, I got into counseling and dragged myself out of depression, this time and I think because I was finally away from the stress of his screaming and anger I had a beautiful baby girl - she’s the love of my life!! And I’m the best me I’ve ever been. I’m far from perfect but I’m happy, I’m kind and I’m the best mummy. I think I always felt guilty so doing that stuff never sat with me well, and until I met him I had no clue or interest in it so I guess I had a lucky escape. I was always aware of the waste of money and how dirty I’d feel if my family found out.

He was high the whole time, even the night before I had her,

Skip to now,

I love him! I really do! I couldn’t hate him if I tried!, that would make this all so much easier.

But no change,

Always an excuse,

It’s football! It’s darts! It’s my day off!

He spends his wages the month before on tick, and betting and beer and then expects people to feel sorry for him that he’s broke but no one knows where his money is going but me, he skips food for 3 or more days at a time, I helped him put weight on but he’s back to skin n bones, am I the only one who sees it?

I see him maybe once a week so he can see our baby and he cries that he misses us but then follows it up by collecting his friend and doing more.

He drives my car because I want to help him and he needs to work, I buy him a meal if we go out when I see him, I encourage him to be around baby in the hope he will make some effort to curb his addiction.

He’s living at his mothers still, the slightest thing sends him on a crazy screaming crying and ranting thing.

Last night again, I had no idea he had left me and gone straight home to do that, i sent a text just asking why after such a lovely day together and why so quick as it had only been around half an hour, he lost the plot! Screaming and crying and punching, he called me in the middle of it, his friend was with him, watching him, I could hear his mum in the background begging him to calm down.

It scares me that he can’t see how crazy this all is! That his friend just watches on!! And his mum thinks it’s just beer! She blames me, thinking I’m the one winding him up, she has no clue that it’s cocaine that’s twisting his brain.

And today I wake up feeling so lost, I cry over him, I want him back but I’m scared he will never stop!

We watched a man he knew and didn’t like become homeless and beg in our town, we watched him walk the streets shouting and then we saw the headlines when he was found dead a year later.

He won’t even think about how this will be him.

I’m scared for him, I love him, I don’t want to walk away and leave him with nothing to live for but he shows no signs of even trying.

He said he misses me and our baby but I no the routine, he’s on a 2 day cycle and it’s destroying him. He even considers his dealers as close friends. I no there is no hope, I just wish I had a friend who I could confide in that could hug me right now as I’m mourning a beautiful man that’s killing himself.

replying to Littlehappy

Hi there my situation is so similar to yours I could if written it myself but I’m 10 years In 3 children and not long had my first baby girl 4 months ago my pregnant was hell he abandoned me countless times to go use and it resulted in me getting such awful anxiety that became worse after she was born. I’ve now cut off I only see him fortnightly to see children it’s been one weekend so far he is hot then cold and plays mind games I think it’s because I’ve got myself out of the situation and he’s miserable hence trying to drag me into it. I have felt exactly the same I’ve tried to help him felt sorry for him thought of the man he was before and I will tell you this will only make you feel more pain in the long run as being addicted to cocaine they don’t care only act as they do they think of themselves only, do you feel you’re putting all the effort in with him seeing you’re daughter? Is he a good father despite not paying for her my ex is a good father when he’s with them but acts like he couldn’t care less when he’s not. My best advice for your sanity is concentrate on you and your daughter let him worry about himself and you concentrate on you. If you don’t want to be in the relationship that’s fine too you can walk away put yourself first as if you stay sadly it will only get worse. If you want to chat I check in here most days, take care you are not alone x

3 replies

replying to Littlehappy

I have 4 girls from before him as well, when we met he was great, we did family stuff and went away with the girls, he left his job really early on to take care of my girls when I almost lost my eldest back in 2017, that’s why I never imagined he would throw away the chance to watch his baby grow.

He’s caring when he sees her but he barely does, I took her over to see his mum when a couple of the football games were on but he wasn’t really interested, only to show her off to his friend n then get on it, I stayed to watch with them n left straight after.

I guess I hoped he would miss the both of us but he didn’t.

He has a massive problem with one of my girls, I guess because she’s got her head screwed on and when he would use here he would be paranoid she was gonna walk down and catch him, she did occasionally to get herself a drink or whatever n he would go crazy once she had gone. Now he’s always super aware of her in the house, I told him, if he’s clean he’s nothing to worry about and I’m not going to force her to stay away, it’s his choice so he should stop.

They way it works on his brain is changing too, In the past he would be so lovely but now as he comes to the end of his ticket I could see him change, he would say the same thing over and over and make an argument, then he’d say stuff under his breath to me about how he thought I was failing as a mum, if I lost it he would act all shocked and make out I was crazy…I actually thought I was.

Once he left me I was broken, he never checked I was okay and this is a relationship where we were inseparable for the years before.

He was the one that made me believe in myself in the beginning, we were amazing, I’d never felt love like it,

I do love him,

I wish in a way I could stop,

I’m trying to focus on me, I’m quite an anxious person, I keep myself to myself and have literally a couple of friends, I only tell them what I need to because I don’t trust easy.

I am walking though, making myself get out the house n go a few miles, I do this with my eldest girls and it’s good….

I just feel like I’m in limbo.

I’m sorta sorry to hear your story but kinda glad I’m not on my own, why don’t they make effort!

I changed my life to work around him, I’ve been up in the middle of the night to get him to work and I’ve answered the phone at all hours when he’s been at rock bottom but when I’m sad he’s just annoyed, when I have enough he doesn’t care at all and there’s no way I’d ever risk loosing him the way he has me.

This morning I woke to see he had put a quote on Facebook about how he was watching his world slip away but once he was up it was deleted so I guess he’s feeling better after his last crazy episode.

He asked me to help him pay for a week away in a hotel before too, I’m glad I didn’t, he said he would delete his numbers and distance himself but I don’t think it’s possible, he has so many contacts, so many friends and avenues where he can get it again, people literally ask him when we are out.

I guess I’m too soft, I just love the bones of him but he’s broken and pretty nasty most of the time.

I guess his past holds a lot of his demons, probably why I care so much,

His mum has special needs so can be hard to talk to, his uncle killed himself when he was young, then one of his close friends killed himself on his birthday, his dad disowned him from the start but is now living at the end of his road - still not really interested. And to top it off, the father of his best friend who he does all this with died in 2019 suddenly in his sleep which he is struggling with - the reason he won’t cut this friendship and just keeps using.

He’s had such a bad life and for at least 3 of our 5 years things were the best, we were happy and I felt like we would make a little kingdom together, now I get anxious when I no I’m gonna see him,

im scared when im away that I will hear that he’s died.

It’s such a sad life, it really is the devil!

So have you moved on?

Do you have alot of friends you can turn to? Xx

2 replies

replying to Littlehappy

On Friday night I had a text of my ex , she said she's sorry for everything and she wants me back more than anything . But we have just sold our house and will be gone in a few weeks , she said she wants to sell it and move further away ....I had a phone call the following morning from a rehab center , she gave them my number as she's had a new number and couldn't remember hers . I asked them what time did she request the rehab info and it was 5am in the morning so she was clearly on it that night . She then came home that morning and slept from 10am till 10am the following morning . Woke up today an I'm the most vile person she's ever known . Heart breaking really . She only cares about me when she's using .... otherwise she hates me

2 replies

replying to Littlehappy

I’m glad you are focusing on yourself it’s so important, I never knew in the beginning how bad it would break me and just how bad my anxiety would get before I cut him off completely and ended the relationship, it’s been nearly a year since it became obvious that even if he wanted to stop coke he can’t he has to have it despite the consequences I wouldn’t say he’s an addict but he’s certainly dependent that’s for sure he’s lost jobs though got into debt. Before this like yourselves we went on holidays he never let me pay for a thing always treated us to a better life and bought me luxuries and truly made me feel loved content and happy like yours though he has he’s demons mentally that’s why they turn to it unfortunately as they numb the pain. It completely changes them to a point they will lie to your face and cause you so much emotional pain and show no remorse it’s hard to disconnect the two the person before and the person now but I have to i get to upset thinking about the past and what the future could of been I just know me and the kids deserve better we don’t need the upset of worrying about if he goes out will he come home if he goes work will he come back. One time he went and got the weekly food shop left it outside my door then text im sorry I’ve fucked up the disappointment anxiety and anger I felt was unreal. I don’t understand it and never will I can only educate myself which is what helps me with dealing with he’s personality now I don’t expect much either best that way oh & I never believe a word he says. I haven’t moved on but I’m trying to I don’t know if I will trust another man again it will take a long time mentally to date again or get with someone but right now that’s the last thing on my mind. Just myself and the children are what matters he had he’s chances and unfortunately blew them. I don’t have friends my mum is a great support but she’s sick of hearing about him now tbh so I come on here read stories help others sometimes vent and it does help hope getting things off your chest helped lightened the load a little. X

replying to Littlehappy

Last year we’ve had problems been split since may this year so two months x

replying to paul0572

Hi Paul, sorry to hear of your situation. I think at times when they are coming off the drugs the “come down” they do feel shame remorse and embarrassment some change their ways depending on how bad it is or how they feel. But they sure can manipulate and lie too so it’s hard what to believe I think in your case and in anyone’s actions speak louder than words and they need to change and prove it. I’d move away on your own find peace then see what she does if she changes then brilliant if not you know you have done the right thing.

1 reply

replying to paul0572

I just can’t believe how similar so many people’s experiences are!, mines just like yours, he called me one night, cried and begged, talked me through all our memories. He had found a hotel and planned to delete his contacts and go stay there for a week to get clean.

I saw him the next day and he deleted his numbers, he went out n bought weed and told me he would get high and sleep instead and wean himself off using that.

It ment nothing and he scrolled Facebook and picked all his contacts back up.

He would lay in bed off his head and talk constantly about how much he loved me, he’d get so emotional, but if I dare mention the time after listening to him for hours! (Because I had a job!) he’d loose the plot, just turn on me

He would wake my girls - teenagers!

And tell them all sorts of vile stuff about me, tell me how I must put myself about, tell me I was crazy and scream and shout my house down, next morning he would hide from them but still say it was me that provoked it all.

So many stories, none that are good

I’m really sorry your going through this too x

1 reply

replying to Redfox20

My sister got fed up listening too, told me to go away unless I’d left him so the last time we spoke was the day I found out I was pregnant,

I did my pregnancy alone which was sad, I have my kids which are my absolute world but it’s hard when you need to just say stuff out loud, or when you need a hug from an adult.

I can be really motivated and on top of stuff and just like that something gets me and I miss him again.

I no as soon as I see him I’ll be worried and stressed but I guess it’s those memories,

And our baby! She is the most beautiful perfect little thing and I just miss sharing all her firsts,

I did send him photos and videos a lot at the beginning but he made such a big thing, getting upset and emotional yet never coming to see her I stopped, it seems she was a tool for him to use and say how he was missing out so he’d get sympathy from his friends n family - none of them knowing why he’s not with me!

And yeah thank you!

This morning I was so sad,

I’m glad I came back on here, I don’t feel quite so alone x

3 replies

replying to Littlehappy

Honestly my life over the last 2 years has really knocked me for 6 . We were best friends not just partners , been together for 10 years . I've been there for her through 3 mental health break downs and been her rock for her everytime. She was so greatful for me sticking by her and it made us even closer ....then she started using coke to self medicate , then that's when it all went crazy . The hardest part for me is seeing her but not even recognising who she is any more , her values are just so distorted and has done so many things to me to hurt me , she would of never done this to me in the past . Cocaine is the devil it really is .

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