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replying to paul0572

I want to cry reading your story, so much of it is similar to me, I really feel for you and the pain she’s putting you through.

It doesn’t look like many come back from it either which I’m finding so hard to take in, I keep stupidly telling myself that he will realize I’m drifting away and fight to keep us but he won’t.

I have never had a best friend and partner like him, first person I’ve ever trusted my life with, he made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, we thought the same, had the same values and humor, my girls adored him…and then in this last year hes given me easily the worst memories, he’s been the nastiest, stood over me watching me crying after a night of evilness telling me how I was nothing and he had wasted his life being with me, punching the sofa next to me as he spoke through gritted teeth….only to want cuddles in the morning and to “just forget it” after

And still it’s me that loves him, still waiting and watching.

I tried telling his mum as both him and his friend use in his room, she didn’t want to no, I told her the signs but she thinks coke is a scary drug and no way he would do that, a bit of weed maybe but not that!

She thinks it’s an alcohol problem…considering he guzzles crates of the stuff I can see why but that’s just part of this.

He gets high, drinks and bets all at the same time so it’s a triple whammy.

He now lives in a single room that stinks of cigarettes and beer, I’m in our lovely house with the children being mum and dad. He’s chucked a good life away and his whole world just to sit in that room with his “friend” and rant his nights away about the same old memories.

When he looses his mum he’s gonna be out on the streets because all his money goes on drugs, I just hope I’ve moved on by then.

I hope you find a way to move on too, it feels impossible to me right now, im just living one day at a time x

replying to Littlehappy

Isn't it mad how our stories are very similar.

I told her whole family a month ago and she turned it round on me saying she's only done it a few times to escape our toxic relationship.

It wasn't toxic before she started doing coke . We were engaged , planning on having a baby etc...

Then the coke started . The lies , the manipulation, she would hit him , call me all the names under the sun , try to make it out it's all my fault .

She turned up here last Monday and 3am in the morning after using . Wanted to sleep here so I could hold her and keep her safe . Crying she wants help ...then in the morning it's all forgotten about.

Sad as it seems I don't want to move on because I still love her very much and I'm praying that she turns back into the girl I fell in love with .

But I don't know if that will ever happen . As coke takes there soul and there values and they will put that first over everything .

Until they are high then they realize how bad they have been and want to change . But when it wears off they are the same vile person again and all they are interested in is getting some more .

She told me she loved me last night , first time in ages , but I think she just said it to try and make me feel better as she knows how much she's hurting me.

I'm also so sorry for what your going through . Coke is the most evil drug on the planet .

2 replies

replying to Redfox20

I resonate so much with your story. I’m so sorry you’re also going through this. My world started to fall apart in April when out of the blue my husband did not coke home for 3 days. Very unlike him, we always had such a great bond and told each other how lucky we were all the time. The couple of weeks following I never knew if he would be coming home or not - he had never done anything like this before. He was suddenly so mean and cold. Freaking out over the littlest things. Not wanting to talk at all. Then I found a message on our computer from one of his friends that said “the next time you do coke I’m punching you”. As soon as I saw that all of the irrational behavior that didn’t make sense suddenly did. But of course even confronting him that night he said it was only a couple times (over the course of 5 months?) and that he was done with it. I’m positive he was on it during our conversation. I have friends that used it in the past and as soon as that was out I can now pinpoint it. He’s now said he can’t commit to coming home anymore and has left me (he’s been out of the house 2.5 months now) Ive noticed several occasions since he left the house that he’s been on it. Just no denying it for me. Not himself at all. Our friends notice a change in his personality and he doesn’t talk to any of them anymore. He’s got a whole new life suddenly, a new job, new friends. I ask myself is it just a coincidence that in the same timeframe I find out your using coke (and it’s clearly a problem) is the same time you feel our marriage isn’t going to work? We were just talking about our future children weeks before this all came about… just really struggling to know if his brain has just been completely altered because of the drugs or if this is truly a clear minded decision :(

So hard when you don’t have any answers… He would rather sleep on a “friends” couch now than in his home with his wife. He calls and acts like this is all normal. It blows my mind. Thanks to anyone who reads this and can offer any advice. Xo

replying to paul0572

I use the exact words you have used all of the time. Seeing them and not recognizing them anymore. The values being completely distorted. My husband has now done so many things he’s been completely against our entire relationship. I struggle to understand if it’s all drugs or have you turned into this terrible person (who sees nothing wrong with what he’s done). I’m so sorry. It’s so hard. Here if you ever need to talk.

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replying to Cali111

I can tell you that when they are in addiction it changes there brain massively . My partner has lost all her none coke friends as she has no time for them . Her only friends are the dealer and 1 friend she uses with.

Hardly sees any of her family any more . I think they push us away because they can't handle the things they know they have done to us , the lies the stealing etc...they know deep down that they have done wrong , but this drug takes over there life's . My partner never spent a night away from me in 8 years , until she started taking coke then she was always staying in friends .

She's pushed me away loads of times before and I think she does it because she tells me she doesn't want me to waste my life with her . It's like she's given up trying to fight the addiction and doesn't want it to hurt me .

It's such a hard position to be in as one day they want help and Want to change , and you finally think the penny has dropped but then a few hours later they don't have a problem .....

1 reply

replying to paul0572

I have had the thought many times that he is just so ashamed of what he has done to me (I also found messages of him with other women - he was SO against cheating and was disgusted with anyone who would do this before). He hasn’t owned up to anything he’s done or apologized once. This all just happened so fast. Literally the month of April then poof he’s gone and done with me. Out of no where, no one would have ever seen this coming. And I went to his family as I was so concerned and I think this made him push me away even more. They don’t see a problem though as “he seems fine” when they talk to him… which is for what 5 mins a day? To this day he would act like I’m insane if I tried to accuse him of using.

Its helpful to know that you can relate to the all of a sudden they take coke they want to stay out at friends, the lies, etc.

Just crazy that he thinks this is normal… I was prescribed anxiety medication because of all this and he was pestering me to find out why I was at the doctors so I told him. He says “is it because your homesick??” Like he didn’t just leave me and drain our account or anything… just unbelievable and delusional. He seems to just be on another planet sometimes. Couldn’t even remember what city our lawyers were in, took our pillows saying he thought they were his dads? Telling me things and not remembering at all when apparently sober…

I know all sings point to the drug but still so hard when I’m the only one who sees it.

1 reply

replying to Cali111

Yeah your absolutely right , I'm the only one who can see what's shes doing . I've lived with her for 2 years while she's been taking coke .

When I finally told her family it was a massive move for me to make and one I didn't talk lightly .

But I did it because I wanted eveyone else to help as much as I had been doing on my own .

But it was easier for them to bury there heads in the sand and take her word for it intsead of mine .

Her dad said to me , she's saying she's only took it once or twice , and she's only taking it because of your toxic relationship and I have to believe her over you .

I said , she's a drug addict and they lie . Why would I make this up ?!

But like I said most of these issues are from child hood trauma from her mum and dad , so no wonder they don't want to know .

They really lack empathy massively , it's not there fault it's just what addiction does . We've lost everything because of this and it's like she doesn't even know whats going on

1 reply

replying to paul0572

Yep same thing here, he says he’s only taken it a few times. He told his parents he’s unhappy with me. News to me because over the last 3 years we would tell each other weekly that we were happy. Says he’s been trying to convince himself this whole time… that we’ve never had chemistry. I’m sorry but why would you marry me then and cry to me just in March of how much you loved me? Just insane. And so sad. I miss my real husband and at this rate I’m very scared he will never come back to reality or give me answers that I deserve. I think that’s the hardest part just not knowing or understanding exactly what happened. Are you still seeing your partner?

replying to Cali111

Friday night she texted me saying she wants us to get back together. She still wants us to sell the house and she wants us to move to a different location. She said she didn't know how to sort it out tho as she's obviously told her family that I was the problem !

So we are in a bit of a mess because we have accepted an offer on the house now .

But the thing I'm struggling with is if I can trust her again . We went out yesterday and she was constantly on her phone then she went to stay in her nans . So she could of gone anywhere last night and done anything then back to he nans and I wouldn't know .

As she doesn't tell her nan when she's staying with me cos otherwise they would ask her , well if he's so bad and it's over , why are you staying there .

There's just a whole web of lies she's trying to keep ontop off and keep everyone happy and away from the truth .

She said she loved me last night for the first time in months so I'm not sure if things are starting to hit home now or not.

She has told me she's phoned the gp today to try and get into rehab . I'm not sure if it's true or not as there's no way of me knowing ....

That's the problem I really have now is all the trust has gone , cos she's lies about the littlest things now ....

1 reply

replying to Littlehappy

Yes everything is so secretive… I have no idea what he’s been doing for months but he insists on knowing what I’m doing. In a way it must be nice to know that she still loves you and wants to be with you. My husband is still decided that he doesn’t think our marriage will work. Yet has never said he doesn’t love me or anything. But refuses to put any work into it or even be honest. Trying to tell myself it’s for a reason. I miss the old him so much though. My whole life feels like it’s crumbled before my eyes. Him and his family have been everything to me as I immigrated to the US to be with him. This has been so hard.

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