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replying to Redfox20


Oh my actual god!

They are the same!!

All I do constantly is think of another question and as soon as I get a second I’m on Google looking into it!, wether it’s help or how he’s behaving, how the drug changes him, health problems, all of it!!

Same, he said he was paid short from work, he’s driving my car so it’s free for him but he’s supposed to be giving my car back as it’s school holidays, he said he was short for insurance and has to pay his mum some too now, I no he’s spent at least 400 on his dealer (probably a lot more!)

He does a ticket every other day at least and I no he does it even though he lies to me n says he’s broke so can’t get any because I no he has a tab with the bloke, he has around 4 or 5 that supply him, he’s driven for them to pay off debts and he does work for them for freebies.

I really hope he uses his time and his new job to get sorted n us back together again, I’ve not said anything about us either, like you I’ve made it clear he needs to be sorted before we can carry on but not actually said anything, he comes and goes but we’ve not said if we miss each other.

Like yours he was let down, his dad didn’t want to no him, they had to go to court to prove he was the dad and then this year his dad moved into a house at the end of his mums road!!

Of all the bloody places!!

And on his birthday he sends a message saying if he wants to talk to him he can!!

his absence has had a massive impact on his life, I’ve sat with him when he’s been a complete mess and helped him through!

that’s why I’m shocked at how he’s behaving, he always said he would never be like this if we had a baby but I don’t think he thought about how she would fit in to his life style.

It’s as if he just thought he could do it around her n it would be fine because he would talk me into it too!!

It makes me feel sick! Like he thought we could just be some scummy family with the curtains drawn n her play while we slept!! I mean that’s just the worst thing I can imagine!!

I just don’t want to loose him, he’s not cheated on me so I feel robbed I guess, I can’t stop loving him over this, I just hate what he’s become because I knew him before.

I saw him Saturday for about an hour, he was nice enough and I helped him with his car, we’ve always gotten along fine, it’s just once he’s done instead of being bored or doing normal stuff he goes straight to that. When he left it was strange because we have always hugged n kissed but not now, it was an awkward kiss on baby’s head and a walk away. I just wanna be back in his arms!

I’ve never liked hugging people but when I met him I became so attached, we have always been close, always stood hugging each other so affectionate but it’s all gone,

I lasted until today, had no plan on contacting him but now we have no need to see each other unless I want the car or he wants to see baby so I sent him a few pictures of her from this morning.

He replied with how beautiful she is n thanked me and that was that.

And now I guess I wait?!

He’s working tonight but then off Tuesday n Wednesday,

I wish he would ask to see us but I’m expecting his mate to get there first n organize a night with him,

That’s the thing, I could always keep him clear but when his mate texts it’s always “I wanna party” or “I’m bored!” N that means one thing! And he can’t resist! As soon as that pings he’s thinking of a way to get cash or who he can tick off until next time!

I’m really missing him today so dragging one of my girls for a walk in a bit, can’t stand going out by myself, he understood that n we went everywhere together but lately he’s been quite smug that I stay in with no life, babys only just over 6 months too so I feel like a blob lol.

But that’s why I’m defying him, I’m going out walking wether I want to or not, I actually quite enjoy it but I’m a keep myself to myself type of girl.

Anyway I’m loosing weight, not as fast as I would like but quick enough, I’m sorta hoping that the rare occasions he sees me I will make him want me back, I’m here arms open.

His mates huge now, all that beer drinking, but he’s thin as can be, I got him putting weight on while we were together, he had guns n a backside but now he’s back to bones n no bum lol

Does your no loads of dealers? Makes it too easy to fall back each time?


2 replies

replying to Littlehappy

Hi, I do exactly the same thing rack my brains for questions or think of things and immediately google it I don’t know it that’s making things worse because as you know it’s all doom and gloom online very rarely happy endings. I think my ex has a drug dependence not an addiction the two are very similar able to stop two weeks is hes limit though from when he was with me and trying to stop. We split up in may after 7 weeks he relapsed had no job but as soon as he got money again literally the same day he went and got it I was so angry looking back I probably could of calmed down not ended things so abruptly a part of me thinks did he want to end but this was the only thing causing problems I know I haven’t done anything wrong apart from stand beside him my mental health was so bad after I had my daughter I had to end things for my sanity it really scared me. I don’t think he will ever understand what he’s done to me, it’s a nightmare! I am the same but I think why do I want him to want me I ain’t the problem and neither are you! They are they know we are decent women who take good care of their kids it’s them with the issues and we deserve so much better! My little girl is 4 months so not far behind yours 😊 where are you from im from east London xx

replying to Redfox20

*Meant to say he’s still not able to stop

1 reply

replying to Redfox20

Yeah we deserve the world for what we’ve been put through!! And because we’re still here like a couple of dopes waiting 😂 they have no idea!!

I’ve been thinking that in a way, is it really that bad, could I cope, am I thinking it’s worse than it is….

At the end of the day he’s using all his money, he’s doing it every other day, in the 5 years I’ve been with him, I sorted the house (we private rent) I pay the bills, feed us, do Christmas n birthdays. I even used to help him with his dealer debts, I’m not well off at all but I’m organized, I’ve always worked and I have 4 other girls.

Before him I was in a relationship for 14 years with the girls dad, he was a cheat and a bully, still is!! his family told me to be grateful he came home at night so that’s what I did but eventually I realized I deserved better and left.

Scariest thing I’ve ever done with 4 kids but I started again n met this one a couple of years later….,haha lucky me hey!! 😂

He was a dream!

We met on a train by a mutual friend on the way to lightbox in London, he used to do radio, mc n djing, so we used to go n support each other.

We were best friends instantly, and that was that, didn’t leave each other’s sides, he moved in with me n my girls.

We have hit every bad situation imaginable n come through, almost lost my eldest girl a few months in, she ended up in St. George’s hospital, he stood by me! Became an instant stepdad

I can’t believe this has torn us apart!

I won’t lie, before baby I wasn’t too fussed n would dabble too, we were a couple n going out to raves n stuff it seemed alright, I can say no though and we both wanted to try for a baby, so I knuckled down n got myself sorted but he just spiraled without me. I’m from near Gatwick, used to go to a lot of UKG raves, I think it’s all around that scene really, this mate of his is on flex fm now

It’s another day! I wonder if I’ll hear from him as he’s off today n tomorrow! I’m off for a huge walk across town as he’s got my car, sorta looking forward to dropping a lb or 2 but I could happily say no n call him to take me as well….it’s like who’s gonna cave in first!! I just want him to call me! Xx

1 reply

replying to Littlehappy

Hey, how have you been? I’ve took a bit of a dip last couple days just heartbroken and find it hard to accept we’re not together anymore. We’ve had problems in the relationship last couple years with COVID & him running off to use. I am thinking maybe he wanted to leave but was too coward and hoped id cut him off over the drugs one day, who knows the mind is awful some days im fine others I feel so lost without him. I haven’t heard from him since Sunday we only speak about kids that’s it he mentioned he would take our youngest boy who’s 2 to get a haircut haven’t heard yet so he’s either working or sorting returning he’s finance car or getting on it who knows. I too dabbled and we went out together regularly in our 20s im 30 now an as the years went on & more kids i pulled away from it, it’s not clever never ends well whether you get addicted or not you waste money getting on it then feel like shit the next day with kids too it’s not fair on them I stopped in 2017 then he got worse and doing it more frequently I could see it and told him calm down then he started hiding it from me. I have no idea how often, i know where he goes to get it the area but not there door number it’s not even 5 mins from me, i know he can go some time without it but now he’s not here I don’t know how often and he won’t tell me obviously. Can I ask does your one communicate at all or only when he’s on it he couldn’t sing my praises enough then and tell me how lucky he is to have me. My ex is so bad at communicating I don’t know how he feels at all he tells no one either not even he’s mum. Also have you split in the past if so who initiated sorting things out? It’s always been me and can’t help but think I just prolonged the inevitable xx

1 reply

replying to Redfox20


I totally get what a fucked up place your in, stay strong!!

I wish they could see what pain they are putting us through!!

I spent most of my week thinking about him n trying to keep busy but all I was really doing was looking busy so the kids didn’t realise and he was on my mind constantly.

So last year I got myself a book and wrote each memory of when bad stuff happened, when he did nasty stuff, things he said, when I’ve had to pay people off, just to remind myself that he’s not the big dream I remember when I’m missing him,

I found it good getting stuff off my chest, and then I looked up narcissistic quotes which he fits almost all of them, I wrote ways to heal from what he does and how much I deserve because even now I’d never do what he’s done to anyone else but especially not him!

Now if I’m low I come on here, or I watch utube or Instagram videos on narcissist behavior, I read my notes to remind myself that this isn’t my fault. I still miss him but I no I’m worth more and just maybe something better is coming!

Last year as lockdown hit everyone he walked out on me, I always ended up begging him at the front door and he would push me away and leave, he’d go for a couple of weeks n then come back, over n over

As I was pregnant I found it really hard so I got myself counseling where a lady video called me every two weeks, she just let me talk and I sorta realized I was strong, I’m a mummy and ultimately I’m a really good lovely person.

I had the same problem, not speaking to him n not knowing if we were on the same page,

We have an age gap, so he was 24 when we met n I was 39 🙈 but I don’t look my age at all lol,

he’s now 29 and I’m 45! We just work, he was always the grown up serious one n I just fucked about n had a laugh.

When we met I had been in a long term relationship through my 20’s so had no clue about most drugs,

I’d done speed in my teens but not much else.

So yeah he introduced me to different bits and was really careful with me but it just never became a thing, I was never bothered if it was about or not, I’m so lucky I never got hooked really.

He does talk but he’s always on it or on a come down so I have to pick my time if I want to talk, lately he’s been nasty and aggressive so I’d have no chance, he seems to think everyone else is the problem too, apparently doing coke isn’t a bad thing and he’s never gonna stop it altogether.

I can’t decide if I want to be with him if he plans on having that in his life or to go with it n see if he changes, I feel like I’m at this point so do I want to risk the heart ache again from the start or should I just try n get my head around things as they are?

I think he wants a relationship but obviously he’s hoping to keep living as he is but that’s just not gonna fit in with family xx

1 reply

replying to Littlehappy

Hiya, had a better day today after a tough couple days. My mum and two sisters came over to see me and the kids which was lovely they brought some chocolate and flowers too for me just the little pick me up I needed. I heard from my ex today I find if I leave it he does eventually make the effort and get in touch he’s taking boys to get haircuts sunday now he also asked me if I needed some money and said he only had a certain amount himself & could give me half of that or wait until he gets paid more money until next Friday & he will sort me out a fair bit. I don’t know if this is him trying to show me he’s being sensible and keeping a certain amount for himself without wasting it who knows. It was nice to hear from him I’m keeping strong and until I see changes will I give him time of day again. I have thought that too should I just accept it and let him have he’s time to go out get it out he’s system he’s honestly perfect for me other than that problem when we’re together, but we’ve tried that & it always ends up being more times and he starts to take the piss then we argue they can’t do anything in moderation hence why they have a problem. It all comes down to hes will to change and communicating better. What upset me more when he relapsed was that he couldn’t just be honest that hurt more than him doing the cocaine itself. I think I pulled away from dabbling with cocaine because it was getting too much for him and didn’t want to encourage it. I thought me stopping would make him stop it didn’t work. Yeah coming on here helps watching YouTube videos knowledge is power I mean they may not be narcissistic but if they are we are prepared 😂 I have thought about doing al anon zoom calls for families of addicts as this place really helps me on here so talking to people face to face could really make all the difference not feeling alone and venting to them instead of my mum gives her a break too! So sorry to hear he left in lockdown what a time to leave you eh we we’re together in the first one but he was drinking 3 or more times a week so it wasn’t good. I may get a note book and start writing things down who knows one day I may show him it only then would they get a real insight to the pain we have gone through. That’s all we can do whatever gets us through the day I take each day as it comes now and I’m trying not to overthink things but it’s hard sometimes. Nothing wrong with an age gap, go on girl I say haha. How long have you been together, my ex is 31 nearly 32, we were together 10 years this year 😔. X

2 replies

replying to Redfox20


Sorry, managed to go on my own downer for a while,

Every good day n I think I’ve got a grip n then it all turns again!

I did write a reply but for some reason they wouldn’t let me post it? Who knows why, I reread it n it had nothing i could see wrong?

Anyway that just got to me as well so I’ve just hidden away.

Hope your still feeling a little more positive!

So I saw him last Tuesday, I’d been keeping myself to myself and he called, very low

I asked if he wanted to see me n where he would usually be a bit stroppy this time he just said yes.

We went out, supposed to be for coffee but he talked us into a drink at a pub.

All went really nice and we both let our guards down n had a laugh.

It was nice, he asked to spent Saturday with me but come Friday night and his lift in mood because we were talking, he went to see this friend of his, ended up staying up all night, didn’t sleep until lunchtime Saturday and wasted the whole day.

We have spoken on the phone, he begged me to forgive him and said we would catch up tomorrow and have another date where we can try n build some bridges….

Well until last night when he calls to say he’s now invited some bloke to come join us so they can play darts….

I dunno, I give up, I no how the nights gonna end, if I’m upset I’ll be made to look like an idiot, if I join in with the laughs he’s gonna think it’s okay, he’s not seen our baby for weeks…and is it so bad that I think he needs to take me seriously because I don’t look at him and think he’s even my other half right now.

My trust has gone because he can’t even put me first once yet I’m here when he’s at rock bottom!.

I dunno, he’s stupid!

So I’m waiting for his happy messages to start today as he thinks I’m really happy about what he’s arranged for tomorrow when I’m really not in the mood.

Lol my last message was so much more positive, they should have left it up! Xx

1 reply

replying to Littlehappy

Hey, sorry to hear you haven’t been so good. That is strange your message was taken down, don’t get disheartened. I check in here daily so will always get back to you! Glad you’re okay, bet it felt good to have some normality with him but even that feels painful because you know the reality being stuck in a situation neither of you can control. I don’t think I could be in hes presence even if we were enjoying company, hes changed so much lies lies and more lies. He didn’t turn up sunday to get boys haircuts neither did he give me an explanation he’s mum said he’s been in bed sleeping all day and hadnt drunk Saturday night either so was clearly depressed and on a comedown he went out Thursday night. After talking to he’s mum she said it’s pretty obvious he’s stolen the birthday money out of my son he’s stepsons card it’s disgusting the lengths they will go to for their addiction I’m caring less and less and letting go more an more as the time goes on. He’s not listening to he’s mum she’s had murders with him he doesn’t say anything or argue back just takes it then she gets more angry then anything which isn’t worth it. I dunno I’m not going to be saying much to him if anything at all when he gets the kids probably say bye to them and that’s it. He’s weekend is this week so he needs to get in touch at some point to get kids if he will after ignoring me sunday. It’s his birthday on Saturday so time will tell if he will take kids this weekend or chose to go out and get on it. He’s life is go work get money use feel like shit and repeat oh and constant let downs and lying in between I think he did have intentions of doing that with our boys but that took hold and you know that comes before anything. Please be careful the more you feel sorry for them, help them when they say they are down you fall back into their trap then you end up getting stung in the long run they only care about themselves in active addiction. We tried that going on dates and thinking we need to spend more time together or spice things up that makes the world of difference in a normal relationship but with an addict it’s a waste of time. You probably know this as that’s why you have doubts listen to your gut hun it’s never wrong. I hope your feeling better I feel like a switch has gone off in me or I’ve finally come to the realisation that this is who he is now and I’m moving on and losing feelings for him it feels good to be getting strong again and coming out the other side we all will get there one way or the other and be happy! Time is a healer I hope you and kids are well x

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