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replying to Littlehappy

Hey, been meaning to get back to you, just see this and had to reply straight away! I’ve had a time of it myself well im not surprised by anything anymore tbh. They are so manipulative aren’t they tell you exactly what you want to hear then somehow drag you back into the chaos! That was lucky you did that with the pin it’s terrible how we have to pre think things because of how predictable they are with asking for things or being sly. Never blame yourself you haven’t done anything it’s he’s problem not yours! I’d get your car back and put some boundaries in place to protect you it’s so important as they will always take advantage of your good nature. Try not to get wound up easier said then done I know but I try not to let myself think of him now or he’s problems as I get annoyed I’m letting it get to me now, no more! Things were going well here we had a proper chat last Sunday first time since we split he said it’s got out of hand he knows he’s the only one to do it. And he said he knows it affects us all he’s mum me the kids. He mentioned our son asked him when he’s coming home and that he didn’t know what to say to him and he needs to sort himself out for all of them too. He said he thinks about what he’s done & us laying in bed when it’s all wearing off long story short he said he would look up getting some help “as it won’t hurt will it” fast forward to Tuesday and we see him at a job near our home working on the roof we went past to go to soft play so kids shouted up said hello he came down all was normal and nice. I sent him pics of kids at soft play and we said we will speak soon, on way home we went past again he was nearly finishing said he’s packing up soon. We went home and he then went missing after work got on it my eldest son got stuck he’s wheel came of he’s bike he called my ex 4x without telling me and no answer he then ignored me he’s mum who he picks up after work she works at our local hospital he stayed out all night probably slept in car read my messages at 11pm the next day didn’t get home until Thursday early hours. So basically told him I won’t be discussing things with him anymore as it don’t get my anywhere and like yours hes not doing anything about it or getting help. I’m going cold on him again now as that seems to work somehow I even let him in the house on Saturday when he picked our daughter up when I haven’t all this time never again! Just about kids now, I told him he knows he can have a better life but nothing will change if he doesn’t. I want him to get professional help and be clean 6 months if ever I consider a relationship with him again but I can’t see it happening probably be years yet I’m not going to wait forever though. Xx

1 reply

replying to Redfox20

Hey you,

I know things are hard when I loose my sense of humor! These last few days and I’m just lost again!! I wish I would learn!!

How is it they get to control our feelings?

Anyone else and we probably would have walked by now, I’m dam sure he wouldn’t put up with all this crap from me!!

It’s desperation

I’m sat here alone and I can only turn to this page because no one else really knows what this stuff is doing to our lives!.

Again I read through other stories and he matches all of it!!

The filth he shouts at me and his mum, the pervy rubbish that has just started which I’m guessing is because he’s been alone for quite a while now, his drinking and betting problem that’s now alongside this!

The anger! God it’s like there really is no part of him that’s left anymore!

If you met him in the street he would seem the loveliest most fun bloke!

Last week he spent maybe 4 days being the old him, gentle and just nice but as you no it doesn’t last, part of me was dreading this weekend because we were ment to spend it together, I should have known that he would flip and I’d be sat here alone.

The looks his mum gives me, she has told me so many times that she knows it’s him yet when he’s screaming at me from his front door, as I’m waiting for a taxi while my car is sat there in front of me for him! Because I’m not a nasty person, I’ve even put fuel in it when I borrowed it for half hour to drop my girls off!! And she talks to me as if I’ve wound him up….

I no I need to cut my ties, I think having baby makes me feel like I has some duty to try,

I’m just at that point where I want a hug from an adult who isn’t gonna scream at me, a mate to set the world to rights that knows exactly what I’m going through and to feel like a person n not a giant secret

I’m sorry yours has gone back to it as well! When they are doing well you’d think they would see that and know!

Make that connection that feeling bad, sleeping in! Being nasty! It all comes from that stuff!

It takes its toll and I was up there doing well with my head, roll on next week! Start again x

1 reply

replying to Littlehappy

Hey, I’m okay thank you haven’t heard a thing from him since last Tuesday when he relapsed. It’s our boys birthday tomorrow so he may get in touch who knows but I honestly don’t care we are gonna have a good day regardless! He’s probably spent all he’s money now feels guilty as he said he would get our boy some trainers. He gets bad depression after he uses now coz of what he’s doing letting himself and everyone down I know it affects him coz he is a decent person deep down. It he’s weekend this week to have kids so he may or may not get in touch if he doesn’t then he’s walked away and honestly it’s hard but I’m used to doing it all on my own now. I would of walked away if we didn’t have kids, don’t get me wrong I still love him but he needs to sort he’s life out! I don’t try for the kids that’s up to him to get in touch to see them if he doesn’t well then he looks bad not me. Yeah it’s a vicious circle alright! He isn’t horrible but just so distant he just doesn’t get in touch or ignores me after he relapses or uses. I asked he’s mum how things are she just said he’s been home all the time it had only been two days though lol. I think he’s just not in a great place at the moment he realises what he’s lost but can’t stop himself, I’m hoping he gets help soon and doesn’t let it continue. I think doing well is a trigger too they think it won’t hurt but they can’t just have a drink and a few lines it doesn’t work that way it’s a binge go missing for a day or two then return I’m just glad he’s not using my place as a hotel now! I feel sorry for hes mum but she could do more if that was my son I’d keep pushing that he needs help and be on he’s case she just lets him sleep all day and doesn’t ask him anything. I don’t know mentally I’m better ive just accepted the situation as it is now which is shit but it’s my reality all I can do like yourself is just keep strong and be the best person and mother I can be and hope that he sorts himself out one day! I feel like their mums blame us to they think we mess with their heads make them worse when it’s them she told me I shouldnt tell him that if he’s clean for so long he can come home she said that don’t help it’s pressure well it’s motivating in my eyes and better than saying nothing. I’m just gonna back away from them both let them sort hes mess out if he ever does! How you doing? Hope your okay X

2 replies

replying to Redfox20

Hi redfox

Sorry for jumping in on post, but couldn't help but want to ask about the distancing thing you mentioned. My ex has been in full swing addiction mode for nearly 3 months now!! He has completely cut family and friends off. Turns up every now and again to see kids and his mam. He has distanced himself so much. Makes no contact with anyone for days sometimes over a week. I do know that he is ashamed in a way but that doesn't stop him from continously using.

I feel I'm in a similar situation in regards to not being with or living with my ex anymore. Do you find he is more distant with you due to him not living with you and thinking it's over, what's the point in trying, so let's use instead or does he just distance himself when he has relapsed but is around often when not using?

It's been that long since my ex has had a period of time drug free b4 relapsing that I'm thinking that he jusy stays away because he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Not the possibility that the drugs are keeping him away through burying his feelings, thoughts and emotions.

He has admitted that he has been using nearly everyday, so I know his mind will be clouded. However, I cant help but think he's not bothered anymore and really would not care less if I was to move on with someone else.

He does display odd moments of slight affection, but this is probably part of manipulation. He has done some cruel things which I don't think he would have done if it wasn't for the coke. He has never raised his hand or been vile towards me. Sometimes snappy and grumpy on a comedown, but the real nail in the coffin was cheating. He did part blame the drugs for this. That doesn't stop me from thinking that it's because he doesn't care anymore. It's so hard to work out what the hell is going on in their head.

Hope you are doing ok

1 reply

replying to Lece13

Hey that’s okay! I think it is the addiction that keeps them away it does isolate them partly as they feel ashamed not good enough etc. When my ex isn’t using he’s in touch and seems normal when I’m in hes presence. The only way I can describe it is like Jekyll and Hyde they are two people themselves and the addict. He has definitely been more distant now he don’t live with me but he’s drug use has got more excessive so that’s probably why to. It’s so hard what to think your best to try and speak to him I did when he was sober he seems to know the pain he’s causing us all and said it’s got out of hand but he went back to it and that’s why I think he’s staying away right now he knows it hurts us. He mentioned before that he stayed away because he let us down. I think they are a lot harder on themselves than we think and hurt a lot more than we know but they numb it with drugs. I wouldn’t take anything personal that he does or says to you, it’s likely the addict talking. What I find helps is I only communicate with him when he gets in touch with me that way I don’t get upset if he ignores me and also I know he’s ready to talk in right mind etc or sober. I’m doing okay getting there mentally just trying to accept it all now and try and move on and hold onto hope all I can do hope your okay too! Xx

1 reply

replying to Lece13

Hey hope your good

I’m seeing him today,

He’s been fairly quiet after what he did the other day,

since I’ve pulled away n not reacted or bothered with him he’s been a lot calmer,

I can almost see how lost he is, it’s sad right now because he’s so addicted, he can’t help himself…I guess that urge when he’s driving home from work late, he knows his dealers well and he has so many that he’s always getting messages and offers to do work with that as payment.

And his friend who dragged him so deep up and vanished which has left him alone.

I can only pray that it gives him the sense to battle it out now.

I just can’t imagine going home alone and jumping on that by myself.

He calls or messages me after a week or whatever and I’m always alright with him because I no it’s not him, I want him to remember that we are here and happy and if he works on it he can be back to this again,

I’m not gonna let him use me though, after him trying to get my bank details last week! I’ve canceled my card now and I will be asking for my car back, it’s a constant learning curve with this stuff.

I lay awake with our baby last night just grateful that I didn’t get hooked like him, the thought of never feeling just normal! He has lost so much weight, he’s always hungry, I always saw him as the stronger one of us, he always seemed to have a plan and over this last 18 months he has nothing left.

All his ‘normal’ friends have moved on with life, he had some really good jobs he messed up, he had stuff that he has sold to pay off people and to just survive! It’s so sad really

He’s finally realizing how much debt he’s getting into, bills not getting paid, I think he just expected his mum to pay them when I stopped but she has been really sick herself so she’s not working now and it’s all catching up with him.

I’m not gonna help him with that either this time, so many times over the last year n a half I’ve helped him pay off his debts and he’s relapsed and we are back to square 1.

His mum though!!

One day she’s calling me - she has no idea what he’s on but will tell me how he speaks to her like crap, the nasty stuff he says that he used to say to me too, she’s fully aware he can be a nightmare but still thinks it’s alcohol, in her next breath when he walks in screaming at me and it’s all on how I’m to blame blah blah blah and she’s backing him lol, maybe you shouldn’t say that! Well he didn’t get much sleep because of noises outside lol - no! It’s because he’s been on it!!!

If anything I’m quite scared of him coming home and this starting again further down the line because I don’t need it and the girls don’t need it either, I’ve pulled away more because I don’t want him thinking that a few days clean and I will let him back in,

I miss him like crazy but I’m also quite scared of all the hurt n secrets and him I guess in a way.

He messaged last night n said he wished he was home with me n that he wants us all back but it’s really all down to him now.

I think if I found out he had cheated I’d probably walk away though, I don’t think I could forgive that, even with a messed up mind or full of anger that would be a step too far for me. He can control himself to hide it from other people and to have a job then he can keep his pants on lol

I don’t no even if I want that anymore, for now though he’s due to come see me today, I just hope he’s clean.

That whole Jekyll n Hyde thing is spot on! I just no if he’s been using because he like a stranger, he’s nasty and aggressive and looking for a fight for days after he’s used it, I don’t really get how he doesn’t see it, that last time I messaged on here! God he had screamed at me while I was driving, like full on screaming and hitting the car, people walking by must have thought we were crazy! Lol I’d walked out of my house happy n straight into that!

Anyway, happy birthday to your boy! I hope you have the best day!! X

1 reply

replying to Littlehappy

Hey, I’m good thank you hope you’re okay! I could of literally wrote everything in that you just put there it’s crazy! I’m seeing him later too he’s dropping presents off and wants to wish our boy happy birthday. He messaged this morning said sorry he’s not been in touch as he’s not been to good and asked how we all were. I’m the same just pleasant now I don’t react or get angry anymore as I don’t think it helps them. I have never enabled him or lent money or lie for him, It’s he’s problem not mine, and like you i like to remind him of what he has got and hope that he will change and come back to us. I can totally relate to feeling scared i would get bad anxiety being around him when he was back here before may it’s the uncertainty I think not knowing when the next relapse is coming. I’m petrified of letting him come back home I’ve been tempted at times but it won’t change nothing he needs to be clean for anything in he’s life to go well not just for us but mainly himself. And yeah he always had a way of sorting things out or coming through but this has broken him, I just hope they both break the cycle one day and we can come on here with positive stories and hope for others! He’s having a lovely day thank you! Xx

1 reply

replying to Redfox20

Omg!!

So I think I’m ready to end this!

It’s 3.35 in the morning,

I spent the evening with him,

We went to see my neighbors first which was nice, more for me than him because I had an instant connection with the woman but not so much him n the bloke.

Then back to his house for a couple of drinks n to “spend time together”

Pointless!!

He was annoyed I’d made a friend

He was annoyed I was happy

Apparently i was draining his happiness because I was smiling!!

I toned it down and he got on it!

Then I spent a while telling him nice stuff n bugging him up…….and listening to how I was failing as a mum,

Then he turned his focus on my 17 year old again!! And how she had been hard work on a holiday back in 2018!!!! How it was her n she has a problem n I’m rubbish n I let him down…..

Well I wasn’t having any of it, I picked up my phone to book a cab,

I asked him if at any point we were to blame? Me n him!! The arguments and his obsession with drugs…,no! It was my failing at telling her how it should be and her for probably just being alive!!

He didn’t stop!!

So I come home to find that same daughter taking car of our baby, happily and loving every second and it broke my heart knowing what he was messaging on my phone.

Those messages are still coming through now as I write this,

I am apparently a rubbish mum!

I’ve probably done all sorts with every bloke I can find because I’m now a @$&$ too

And she’s a crap kid!

He on the other hand is miss understood and has no dad so poor him!!

I’m so done tonight!!

I wish he wasn’t my baby’s girls dad, he should be ashamed of himself and every word that comes out of his fowl mouth!!!

I don’t care that he’s on some evil drug!!!

I wouldn’t speak yo my enemies the way he speaks to me!!

And how dare he say anything about my girls when he’s as shit as they come!!!!

Anyway, yeah I have no words except I’m not standing for this anymore.

I am one of the best mums out there and I have amazing girls who will never utter the disgusting rubbish that he has about them!!!

I hope your good x

1 reply

replying to Littlehappy

Morning hey, it’s never ending isn’t it sorry to hear it didn’t go well. If there is drink involved it never does end good especially with them they can’t help themselves or use any excuse to get on it. It sounds to me he’s angry because you won’t let your guard down fully and let him back home and rightly so! He’s thinks it’s fair to take it out on you and say hurtful things about you and your daughter, to deflect that he failed you. id pull away from him for now & have some space from and then decide what you want to do, i used to make rash decisions then change my mind or regret it I think things through more now and it does help. I wouldn’t be around him when he’s drinking maybe set that boundary to that he’s not allowed around you drinking at all as hes nasty with what he says to you. He knows he’s lucky to have you all and he’s more annoyed at himself for letting you all down so it’s easier to say hurtful things then admit that. My ex turned up yesterday too all was nice & pleasant he got the boy trainers sent me £20 for him to buy stuff on fortnite he loves that game lol. He mentioned about taking us all to Margate beach Saturday I said we have plans but will think about it let him know. We did the cake and he sent me money to get me and kids McDonald’s as he was eating dinner with he’s mum apparently. Well he leaves mine, he’s mum video calls nearly an hour later boys ask her where’s daddy, daddy’s not here so it’s obvious what he was up to he obviously had money as he’s mum said and she don’t see him when he does, he only just came out of a bad comedown then did it again last night it makes no sense I didn’t call or text him tell him about himself last night but gonna call him today and talk to him about it and say I won’t play happy families with him or go out altogether until he does something about stopping or getting help cant have your cake an eat it! I don’t know when will they learn I think he’s taking advantage of my kindness I was only pleasant yesterday because it was my boys bday and I think that’s the only reason he got in touch. I’m getting fed up of it too now! But gonna keep my cool and tell him straight that he’s not gonna pick kids up and drop them when it suits him! Hope you’re okay try not let it get to you take your mind of him it will do you the world of good xx

1 reply

replying to Redfox20

Hiya

Thanks for your reply!

Yeah I don't bother contacting him (he hasn't got a 4n well so he says) I just wait until he gets in touch. It's starting to annoy me now though as I think what if something happened to the kids and he doesn't contact anyone (family) for days. He wouldn't know if there was an emergency. He honestly couldn't care less.

The last time he seen kids was Saturday and it's like a waiting game until he decides when he wants to get in touch and see them again. We'll I'm sick of him picking and choosing when suits him and his addiction.

It was his sisters remembrance yesterday and he had the audacity to drive past his mas, but not even go and see how she was. Didn't bother going to the grave side with his family.

Nothing really surprises me these days. How a person can change so much and become this vile, selfish, seedy, lier is beyond me.

I was reading your post about your sons birthday. It was my little boys last week. He turned up for his birthday at 6pm. He'd been on one the night before and rang in the morning, but I ended up putting the phone down on him as couldn't believe he didn't turn up early in morning for him unwrapping presents. When he did appear at tea time he bought the kids affection. He followed on to take them out the next day, but soon as the afternoon came I could see him itching. He makes up excuses to why he needs to go promising the world another day then surprise surprise doesn't bother again.

I think they try to be nice a form of manipulate knowing what they are going to do. They plan it in there head then feed you a story "we'll do this tomorrow, or do you fancy going here at the weekend".........then they disappear again. Also my ex tends to ease his conscious, well the little that he has by buying them something or getting there tea etc. before doing one.

Hoping for some more positive days for everyone x

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