I’m writing this because I feel so lost and alone, heading into another weekend where it’s just me and the kids - our lives still devastated by my husband’s secret cocaine life - which months and months on he still seemingly hasn’t sorted his life out. Everything is still all my fault everything is worse than ever: we have no relationship with him, through his own actions and through mine/ protecting the children. We had such a lovely life, I wouldn’t have ever imagined this for an outcome. I’m starting from scratch in everything. I feel like I’m in a nightmare but equally I feel like my marriage and my time with him was a dream, reality is hard to remember or know now. I’ve felt a lot better recently but the last few days I’ve really missed ‘him’ - him being the man I thought I married. Our life is completely gone and destroyed and no it wasn’t perfect but I never imagined what my husband was doing. He’s admitted to stringing me along, he’s manipulated me. I’m not sure he ever cared or loved me - a devastating blow. Sad part is I absolutely adored him. I watched him slip away thinking our declining relationship was a reaction to becoming a father/ responsibilities or even another woman. I walked away to find truth or to see if I was actually the crazy one only to discover it was cocaine. I never went back. He believes I calculatedly left - when all I was was desperate for answers.
It wasn’t much to ask - a normal life and now we can’t even have a normal separation.
No point to this, just feeling the pain.