: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

5 replies

Feeling the devastation

I’m writing this because I feel so lost and alone, heading into another weekend where it’s just me and the kids - our lives still devastated by my husband’s secret cocaine life - which months and months on he still seemingly hasn’t sorted his life out. Everything is still all my fault everything is worse than ever: we have no relationship with him, through his own actions and through mine/ protecting the children. We had such a lovely life, I wouldn’t have ever imagined this for an outcome. I’m starting from scratch in everything. I feel like I’m in a nightmare but equally I feel like my marriage and my time with him was a dream, reality is hard to remember or know now. I’ve felt a lot better recently but the last few days I’ve really missed ‘him’ - him being the man I thought I married. Our life is completely gone and destroyed and no it wasn’t perfect but I never imagined what my husband was doing. He’s admitted to stringing me along, he’s manipulated me. I’m not sure he ever cared or loved me - a devastating blow. Sad part is I absolutely adored him. I watched him slip away thinking our declining relationship was a reaction to becoming a father/ responsibilities or even another woman. I walked away to find truth or to see if I was actually the crazy one only to discover it was cocaine. I never went back. He believes I calculatedly left - when all I was was desperate for answers.

It wasn’t much to ask - a normal life and now we can’t even have a normal separation.

No point to this, just feeling the pain.

replying to Heartbroken88

Hi there, really sorry to read your story. Cocaine ruins family's a hell of a lot aswell. I'm something like 76 days clean today from coke. And I got 4mth clean before that.

My ex kicked me out May 5th because I relapsed and said some horrible things. We get on now and it was a toxic relationship anyway.

I can see how much you love your husband and watching him slip away to this deadly disease, and addiction. It's horrible how it grips certain people. I joined ca anonymous and its helped me so much. I recommend he join ASAP if he hasn't.

I don't know the ins and out of his addiction and your relationship, but what I do know is time is a great healer. Spend it with people that love and care about you. Family members if you can. Do things with your kids and make good memories. Talk to get things off your chest as well. I meditate and that helps.

None of this was your fault aswell. We as addicts make our own choices.

Your husband needs to want to quit for himself and cut everything off to do with cocaine. Does he want to stop?

But just think of your self now and your mental health. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask me anything.

1 reply

replying to Heartbroken88

Thank you for replying and well done on your efforts.

I’m not going to say I am perfect, or the relationship was. To be honest it became toxic. My husband lied/ concealed what he was doing as I had never imagined he would be involved with drugs so it’s never something I directly asked him (until I worked it out - even then I thought I was crazy).

He blames our unhappy marriage and me being difficult/ a worrier / suffering with anxiety.

Our relationship went downhill when we started struggling with infertility and once I was pregnant his behaviour went off the chart and I felt emotionally shut out and unsupported as he avoided me. I was struggling with my own issues of what we had been through so I’m not perfect. But he never communicated- I’m quite emotional- at times my emotions getting the better of me. He has blamed me and I’ve taken it.

I’ve given him many chances to sort it all out accepting I need to handle things differently too but he wants none of it. Yet took months to get on board with getting a solicitor and getting on with a divorce that I started and that he has said he wanted then not wanted them wanted. He has given so many mixed signals. But nothing consistent.

He said he wanted help and to change but hasn’t proven anything and not stuck to a program he did start. I have given him info including CA but he is adamant he has stopped (but then admitted it was going on longer than he led me to believe). I feel he needs proper help as he was using heavily (nearly every day).

I don’t know I am just devastated as I wanted to work through it with him even though I didn’t agree with what he had been doing and betrayed me.

replying to Heartbroken88

None of his using is your fault at all. So plz don't be thinking this. It's easy for an addict to blame other people when the problems lies within.

It sounds like he's doesn't know what he wants. And that could be the coke.. 1 minute he's up the. Next down.

Ili went to a C. A meeting last night and there was some great shares. A man shared who was 19 years clean, and this is true what he shared.. That he's been doing the programme for 19 years and you can not put it down. You have to do it daily. Pray, meditate, connect with 2 to 3 people daily, go to meetings and live an honest life. And the rewards are great. You feel so much happier and content.

And it's true.

If you do things like miss meditation, prayers, skip meetings, you will lead to relapse. If we work the programme each day we become a better person.

And all this takes up.. What 80 mins a day if u do a meeting.. All free of charge. You feel happy, your a better human being and its a better way of life. It works if you work it.

So he really needs to be doing this each day if he wants to stay clean.

But also no matter how upsetting this is for you, you need your time and you need to think of your health. This has a big effect on family members and you need to think of yourself aswell.

replying to Heartbroken88

Yes my understanding is that it takes some serious commitment and there’s no way he has just given it up.

It’s the not knowing what he wanted. If he had stuck with that he wanted help then we might not be heading for divorce but as it is it’s too late.

He decided to get married and he decided to have a family but he has never ever put me or his children first. Unfortunately I was already pregnant when this behaviour reared it’s head as obvious.

I am thinking of myself and trying to move on but he has made things very difficult with not cooperating when any rational person would just cooperate.

It’s truly heartbreaking for me and I guess I’m going through grief as I never wanted my Marriage to end

replying to Heartbroken88

I can imagine it is heartbreaking for you. I've seen what it did to my ex. But she used the odd time aswell. But it's all the lies and dishonesty that comes with addiction is horrible.

All I can suggest is to keep communicating with people in your situation and talk to family members. It really does help talking to someone. And maybe go out with friends to take your mind away from things. I know it's easier said than done. But you deserve to be happy.

replying to Heartbroken88

Heartbroken88,

I feel for you a lot. Aside from children, our stories sound pretty much identical. It truly is grief that’s what I’ve been going through for months now, mourning the loss of my marriage and who my husband used to be. He was the most amazing person. I found out in April that he was secretly doing cocaine since December. I would have never known had I not found messages on our computer about it. I had no idea why he was acting the way he was and not coming home and just literally not making sense. Nothing will make sense when cocaine is involved. If done research and read on here for months and it’s helped me to understand the situation a bit better but does not make it any easier. I never know which him I’m going to get. He went from just cold and mean and blaming me for an ‘unhappy marriage’ (even though before the coke he would tell me weekly that he was happy and loved me more than anything). He met new single friends and started partying all the time. In between then and now I’ve gotten a jerk, too an overly happy guy that he just soooo happy with his new life, to a guy who could barely speak he looked so depressed, to crying, to then a phone call after one of my friends called him out on everything he’s done to me (leaving me with no money and talking to other women and drugs) he screamed at me said he was getting lawyers and this wnd that all while I was having a panic attack at work. After this I blocked him and since he has been trying to contact me all the time. He showed up at the apartment and hugged me, asked me a million questions about my life (like every time now) said it was so good to see you, hugged me again. He never makes sense. Says he “can’t remember the last time he did coke” but I can’t believe anything he says. He needs help. I just don’t think these guys can do it on their own without at least taking accountability and admitting they have a problem. Mine said it got out of hand for a while… literally in the time frame he left me.. but also said that had nothing to do with him leaving. Come on these things are not just coincidence. If you’re able to talk to a therapist that helps me a lot, along with talking to my family and best friends daily. Talking about it helps. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but we have to remind ourselves the cocaine life is not the life we want to live. Anything you can do for yourself please do. Xoxo

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