: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

5 replies

Found out he’s an addict

Hi

I’m really needing some help and support getting my head around this. I was with my partner for 3 years and didn’t know he was an addict.

We’ve just gone through one of the most stressful experiences where I’ve not completed on a house sale and had to move back with my parents. He had his own rented place but always lived with me and was rarely at his.

He had stayed at his a lot more and was acting really strange. I cried in front of him and he just watched me cry. I had tried to tell him how upset I was and it’s like he didn’t even care.

He then came back one day and I noticed he had a big hole in his nose which wasn’t there before.

I confronted him about it and he said there wasn’t a hole in his nose when I was looking right at it!

He then made excuses when him lying wasn’t making the situation go away. He then said it must have been his nasal spray that had done it then it wasn’t a hole it was a ridge off when he had dislocated his nose years ago. I’ve never experienced such obvious lies about something when the evidence is right there.

I then seen he’d transferred £600 to a friend he’d been with 2 days previously from his inheritance. He lied and said he had loaned money to a friend which I believe had been money for coke.

I’ve left him and my head is so so so messed up! He’s not been in touch or anything! We were about to buy a house together and we’d pretty much lived together for 3 years. He hasn’t fought for the relationship at all and hasn’t been in touch at all to even try and make things right.

This happened 6 weeks ago.

A normal person would have been trying to apologise or fight for the relationship and he just hasn’t. Is this what typically happens when someone is confronted about cocaine use?

I literally had no idea he was doing this but looking back over the relationship he often showed symptoms of withdrawal (tired all the time, headaches, sleeping too much, no motivation, upset tummies)

Please someone help me understand why he has done this and isn’t fighting to save our relationship or even contact me?

1 reply

replying to Anonymous23

Hey there. Firstly hope you’re okay. It’s such a shock to the system when you first discover or realise they have an addiction. What i will say is while they are in a active addiction anything they say or do will not make any sense to a non user like yourself. They lie and become manipulative all to keep the addiction going, it’s part of the brain or the addicted brain as they say that’s affected that does this. Deep down the person is still in there but the drugs cloud their judgment and good decisions go out the window! It seems to me he has a serious addiction if he’s nose is now damaged due to he’s use. I personally would say to leave an not look back unless he’s clean for a long period of time or changes but that’s up to

him you can’t control or change it he has to want it. If i didn’t have children with my partner I would of not looked back and left the whole situation. It’s no life and it will always be a worry if this is something your prepared to do then it takes strength patience and sanity. Take some time for yourself try take your mind of it I know it’s hard but it will help you. He may be keeping away because he’s ashamed and knows he’s hurt you they do feel but they won’t share or act like they care it’s a typical addict trait. Take care x

1 reply

replying to Anonymous23

Hey there.

I’m so sorry to hear what your going through. What he’s doing does sound familiar to me with my situation as well. They don’t like to face anyone who is calling them out about the drugs. I’ve been through a really hard time with this. My husband left me after he started acting extremely weird - not coming home, lying, extreme mood swings. I found out about the coke through messages I found on our computer. He said he wasn’t happy and didn’t want our marriage anymore. Still says it has nothing to do with the drugs although he’s also said ‘it got out of hand’ during that period but then he will turn around and also say he’s only done it 4 times and never spent money on it (all of our money is also gone). Basically I feel like they just lie and run and hide because they are not ready to face they people they are hurting the most. It turning messy with us now as friends are getting involved and think I’m making all this up as he is such a good manipulator at this point. He was such a great man before. We had just bought a new car together and signed a new lease right before this all happened. He admits he had no intention of leaving me. Nothing makes sense. Just trying to get on with my life now. I also moved to another country to be with him so am very alone here. I understand how hard this all is. In the end all you have is yourself I’ve come to find out. He is ashamed of all the lies he’s told you and you don’t deserve any of it. It’s a toxic web. Please take care and reach out to a therapist or doctor if you need as I’ve had to do the same. It’s a lot to take on. Take care.

1 reply

replying to Cali111

Thank you so much for your reply.

You’re right none of it does make sense!

I’ve contacted his dad today (who lives abroad) he has told me he’s been back over to visit and that he’s had a look at his nose and there’s no hole or even scar there!!! Am I losing my mind??! Do parents often lie for their kids to cover it up?

He’s told me he’s going to tell him to contact me and that he is going to be moving back to the UK soon and will keep an eye on him. I just don’t understand all of it

replying to Redfox20

It’s been a huge shock to the system!

How is the acting like they don’t care a typical addict trait? Is it because they do drugs to numb it all? I just don’t understand any of it

replying to Anonymous23

Hey, the drugs do numb them so they appear as through they don’t care. They also lack any empathy by continuing to put themselves first even though it’s causing others pain they don’t see this they are blind sighted by the need to find and use their drug of choice. If they are sober they will have moments where they will see what they have done and feel remorse, guilt or shame this makes them then use to feel better it’s a vicious cycle.

1 reply

replying to Anonymous23

When I told my husbands parents about the coke problem, they said “he seems fine when we talk to him”. It is so easy to hide this addiction unless you literally are in a relationship or live with the person. My husband has got everyone convinced he’s got no problem and he was sooo unhappy in our marriage and that was the only problem. Even though until the drugs came along he was “obsessed with me” and “loved me more than anything”. I know deep down he cheated (I found messages, he’s now admitted his with this woman). I think he is so ashamed of everything he’s done on this drug that he’s run away from it all. He sleeps on a friends couch now. Left me and all our wonderful hopes and dreams. It’s really sad. He’s convinced our friends that I’m a liar basically. It’s really really hard. I have grown more than I have in these 4 months than I have in my entire life though. Please reach out if you need anything, I check the site almost every day still for support and just reading others stories helps me to remember the reality of the situation

replying to Cali111

That’s how I feel too. I’ve tried reaching out to his family for help and didn’t get very far. I’ve had the same reaction which is saying nothing seems untoward.

It’s been 7 weeks for me now and I’ve heard nothing from him. It’s just insane! A lot of people have said I won’t hear anything while he is still using which he will be with the money he inherited. He was up to his eyes in debt when I 1st met him as well

replying to Anonymous23

So Ive finally text him today. He’s said he misses me but wants to be on his own. He’s said how sorry he is for hurting me but doesn’t know what he feels anymore. He’s said he feels nothing. Someone close to him died and he felt nothing. He’s said he doesn’t know what love is when I told him I still loved him.

He’s said he’s better off on his own and when ive asked why he feels this way he’s said he can’t explain as he doesn’t know himself. He’s said he doesn’t know his own feelings. He’s said it stopped working for him and he was awful to me. He’s said he’s just lost that feeling and that it’s not me and that it’s happened in every relationship he’s been in and he can’t commit because of it. He just kept saying he wanted to be on his own.

I’m heartbroken

replying to Anonymous23

https://loveoveraddiction.com/podcast/

The Love Over Addiction Podcast

A free podcast for women who love someone that drinks too much or suffers from addiction.

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