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6 replies

Advice please!!!

So my boyfriend takes cocaine and drinks alot and his behaviour is really all over the place when he's on it, we argue constantly and he'll call me horrible names and swear at me in front of our 1 year old daughter, he will guilt trip me about anything that I want to do (for example I once went to get my nails done for half an hour and as I left he said to our daughter mummy's abandoning you she doesn't care about you) he's looked through my phone on a couple of occasions and accuses me of cheating almost daily, he'll sleep in until around midday every weekend and does the absolute minimum to help with our child (washes her 2 bottles) and will complain about that too. He has told me to leave several times and me and my daughter left for a week in June. I have recently gone back to work after maternity leave, I work at a nursery and they are aware we are having issues but not to the extent, the gp also knows about his drinking and is concerned about the frequency because he's a HGV driver and has also put on my notes that I am at risk of domestic violence, the stress is causing me health problems and I'm on anti depressants. Anyway my question is if I was to talk to my GP or work about the drug use would they have to refer us to social services? I'm concerned about the impact it would have if we did stay together and I don't want my baby to be taken away from me. I don't drink anymore and I know that I will always keep her safe, he's never shown any aggression towards our daughter, I was just wondering if they'd be able to provide me any support or if it would just be a referral as I'm abit anxious about that.

replying to Lucyyyy

Hard as it feels my advice would be to Walk away

He has put the drink and drugs before both of you

It won’t change

Protect you and your daughter from anymore harm ,chaos and abuse.

You can build a better life without feeling scared and broken down

It may not feel like it now but you can make a Choice your Choice for something better

A man should cherish what he has

It’s not your fault

Social services will record it and investigate the circumstances

They probably won’t intervene Unless he is using drugs around her or there is an incident of direct violence or drug use with police intervention

The fact that there is the possibility is enough reason

Don’t put her through this let her life be free of it and any stigmas it might bring

You say he doesn't direct violence at your daughter but she is witnessing it and that will become more damaging

I felt reading your post you were looking for reassurance that it’s not right; what is happening to you, and no it’s not on so many levels

You are hiding what is really going on because you know it’s wrong

You should be celebrating life and your daughter but at the moment you are under a lot of stress and pressure and that clouds our true judgements

Your daughter will become your best friend - hold that protect that relationship it’s for life and the most precious thing you will ever have

She will grow up respecting your strength because she already is and always will be the centre of your world

Dig deep you are strong I can see that from your words

replying to Lucyyyy

https://loveoveraddiction.com/podcast/

replying to Lucyyyy

I agree with Esta - social services came to visit me when someone reported my partners drug abuse and he wasnt even living with me. So yes, I think there may be a safeguarding issue highlighted if he is using drugs around his child.

2 replies

replying to Lucyyyy

Thank you, im listening to it now, I think I'm just conflicted because he will tell everybody else how much having a family has changed his life and how much he's wanted this but he's not acting like it at all and I feel like he's just telling me what I want to hear. I feel like if I were to leave I would be abandoning him and because I don't have family around me and I feel like I'd be completely on my own it's just scary.

He will drink and take drugs every weekend without fail and smokes a lot of weed every day like the first thing he does when he wakes up is have a joint and he goes to work with weed. He's told me today all he wanted was a happy home for our daughter but that can't happen, obviously that's all I want to but I feel like he isn't an active part of the family.

When social services get involved what does the process look like? Would he get in trouble with the police or anything?

replying to Lucyyyy

Addicts tell you want you want to hear and produce a smokescreen to others to hide and enable their use

They make you think your are mad and undermine any self esteem or confidence you have to keep you where they want you

You begin to lie not only to yourself but to others to cover up what is going on so you are a co conspirator and part of the web

Trust you instincts

You are stronger than you realise and you will look back and know that

It will take time but don’t panic you need to rebuild yourself it takes time and it takes a long time but give yourself a chance

He will only get arrested if there is an incident and you call them and that will start the chain reaction of social services intervention

Because he is using drugs FT and drinking all in the family home around your daughter

They will definitely come to the house and investigate

They may contact his employer

They will possibly contact yours

They will contact you GP to see what the level of risk is to your daughter and to yourself

If you go down that avenue it will be recorded but he might not be charged and there will be that fallout to cope with

He could also turn it round on you

I would honestly advise you to take control of the situation by yourself and get you both into a better place

Your employer should help to support you

I often say out loud to myself when I am thinking about a situation I was in or how ill I was with stress and anxiety when my ex husbands crack addiction took over “Christ he nearly killed me” it stops me in my tracks

I cannot believe how it dragged me down under the lies and deceit

I was paralysed with grief

I could sit for hours just staring into space reliving the nightmare of what was a happening trying to make sense of it

I went out with a friend and her daughter on Friday I was telling them stories about what had happened when I say it out loud it’s sounds ridiculous now that I put up with any of it; they of-course are shocked, but it is now “the past” and we ended up laughing at the absolute absurdity of it all. It does make you realise how much of yourself you lose trying to save and protect them.

Be strong believe in yourself

You know he is not doing the right thing you don’t have to settle for this

You can move on from this and you will grow beyond it and him to something better

You are not abandoning him

You can’t fix him

He has to want to make that change himself

He has pushed you to a point where you have realised it’s not enough and you and your daughter don’t deserve any more abuse

Because that is what you are describing

It’s not right xx

1 reply

replying to Lucyyyy

Everything Esta says is true - they actually start lying to themselves, and for me that is the hardest thing to see.

A 'friend' of mine reported my partner to social services. We had seperate homes but spent most of our time together (because we had a child) - I refused to sell up and live with him until he got clean.

When social services came to visit they inspected my house, interviewed my partner and myself. Spoke to my child - I think they probably contacted the school. I think the only reason they didnt take further action was because I told them 'yes' he's an alcoholic but I refuse to live with him because I want to protect my child.

I thought a baby would change everything but addiciton is too powerful. Watch the psychiatrist Gabor Mate on youtube and his talks on addiction - they are very powerful and give you an understanding of the addicts mind and where and how this begans. After years of living with an addict and now my son is an addict he has been the only person who has made me look at my own childhood and how this can continue generationally if we are not 'present' as mothers. So, for your childs sake you have to find some way out for now - it could take him years to recover but your child deserves to grow up in peace. I waited too long - until he died - and that has seriously damaged me and my son.

1 reply

replying to Georgie1410

I hate how much pain it brings to so many and no matter how much good you try to bring to the situation

The disappointment the grief it’s soul destroying

The weight of the situation just swamps your whole life and being

I hope you are finding ways to find some comfort and move forward xx

1 reply

replying to Esta

Thank you Esta - every day is a test for me. But I am trying to support my son through this.

Gabor Mate has helped me so much in understanding addiction. I truly advise everyone on here to listen to him. You totally understand the perspective of the addict and the pain and suffering they feel - and in some ways it helps you to gain acceptance instead of fighting for them to change.

I no longer feel disappointed in them - I feel sadness for them. This emptiness that they can't fill.

Like you say - only they can want that.xx

replying to Georgie1410

I will give it a listen

Thank you

Gaining that inner calm after the chaos is a good place

It takes a lot of time, reflection and acceptance to get there

You have to let it go or it will drown you

I think the hardest part is just that - the letting go

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