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Am I crazy?

Last year I met my now ex boyfriend while he was in recovery. He was doing really well the first three months we were together. He relapsed and that was the first time he told me he loved me. I already knew I was in love with him and I was happy because I had been wanting to hear that from him. I was also sad because I didn’t know if he only said that because of the drugs. He told me it was ecstasy and I believed him. I had never done drugs before so I trusted him when I put out my arm and let him shoot me up with what I believed was ecstasy. It wasn’t until after he gave it to me that he told me it was meth. I did it two more times with him and after the last time when I was afraid I was going to die I knew I would never do it again. He did it once about every 2 to 3 weeks for the next few months. I knew when he disappeared for a day or two at a time that he was high. Then his use became more frequent. It was 2 or 3 times a week. I would call and not know if I was more afraid of him answering or more afraid of him not. I was afraid of him answering and telling me to come over. To which I would oblige and find him covered in sweat, pulling me into bed with him, and revealing his most violent and perverse fantasies to me. I was afraid of him not answering because I didn’t know what he was doing or who he was doing it with. After six weeks he got into legal trouble and was required to be on a drug patch. He was sober the 2 month he was on the patch and I was so happy to have the man I fell in love with again. Once the patch was gone he went right back to using heavily. He wanted me to do it with him. He wanted to find other girls to give it to as well so they would do crazy sex stuff with us. He said he wanted me for the relationship but he wanted hotter girls to have sex with. It hurt to feel like I wasn’t good enough. He said he never cheated on me but I don’t know what to believe. He didn’t have a job or a car so I was always giving him rides and buying him gifts. I did all those things because I loved him and I wanted to give him the best. One of the last fights we had was about me not being early enough to pick him up so we could go to the gym. And once we got to the gym all he did was flirt with other women. I would be grateful for someone to pick me up and not yell at them to be earlier. He also lied to my family and I confronted him with those lies. He was upset that I believed them over him. I broke up with him and that day he was sleeping with another woman. She sought me out to ask about him. She said he told her he had ecstasy he wanted to do with her. I told her that he said the same thing to me and I told her to be careful because it’s really meth. I wasn’t upset about him being with her, but that I obviously meant nothing to him. My family said he just wanted a woman who would do drugs and have crazy sex with him. I feel stupid and used. The main thing he always said is that he’s not an addict. He only used to temporarily escape the world because he’s been dealing with legal issues for years that he feels are unfair. He manipulated me so much that I wonder if I’m the one who’s crazy like he says.

1 reply

replying to rubyblue

Girl, you are NOT crazy. The drugs have his brain completely messed up. The things addicts rationalize in their minds will not make sense to sober and clear minded humans! My husband (separated) has not taken accountability for using drugs behind my back, talking to other women, living a double life. He blamed it on our “unhappy” marriage which was news to me. They will never see anything as their fault. Always you or an excuse. You don’t want to be involved with someone abusing drugs like this. It is not healthy! Please take this opportunity to think about what you deserve and want in a loving relationship. I know it’s hard to deal with and I found not a lot of people understand aside from members of this amazing forum. Don’t take the manipulation cause you’re right that’s exactly what he’s doing. It’s good that you can already see that cause it took me a long time. Take care and always here xo

1 reply

replying to rubyblue


You are not crazy sweet, its difficult because when you are in that sort of relationship its hard to see the bigger picture.

The people that love you can see it and try and tell you, but it's not as easy as that, when you have been subjected to this sort of manipulation, it does not happen right away, it's over a period of time, you dont see it coming your self. Addicts are very good at manipulating to get what they want. It's all about them he may of told you he loved you, it's hard to know if it was real or whether it was lies. I know exactly where you are coming from with what you say

It has taken me months to realise I was not the problem he was, but he made me feel it was all my fault. Its cost me hundreds of pounds with a therapist to actually find myself again, this man destroyed me inside and out. I would look in the mirror and I didnt like what I saw.

He left me pregnant turned his back on his children months ago. Since then I have had a baby boy 2 weeks ago, I look at him and the other children I have the best of him. Hes blocked me on everywhere so he doesnt even know hes a father again. But he deserve not to know, he had 5 years from me, he cheated he stole hes out thousands out of me and never contributed to the children. I work full time and support the children. He would rather buy alcohol and smack, I completely get what you mean when you say you feel used. This man took everything from me my self respect my identity. Hes moved on with another alcholic. Good luck I say. But karma is waiting for him belive me, dont blame yourself he is the one with the problems and needs help. You need to think of you now its baby steps one day at time x

replying to rubyblue

So sorry to read your story. You are not crazy but you have been through a difficult bad time.

If you would like to talk with people who would understand what you have gone through and how you are feeling you might want to contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people going through what you are , dealing with an addictive partner.One of our experienced and well trained family Friends would talk with you if you get in touch.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

replying to Cali111

Thank you so much for your response. I am so glad I found this forum where I can openly and honestly share my story. Family and friends tend to be biased and judgemental so I like getting opinions from neutral territory. I definitely felt like he was living a double life, but it took me a long time to catch him in all his lies. It does hurt because I did love him, but I know I am better off without him. He said I was number one, but drugs will always be number one in his life even though he will never admit that. Thanks again and take care as well.

replying to Louise1983

Hi and thank you for responding. I was totally blinded by love and his charm. I trusted him and quickly opened up to him. It was so easy for him to manipulate and control me because he used my insecurities and past issues against me. When he was high he would express his desire to do crazy and disgusting sexual activities with other people. I took them with a grain of salt until he actually tried to put one of those in motion. And that was having a threesome with my sister. He called her up while she was at work and told her I was at his place and there was an emergency. She went over there with a friend and all he said was he wanted to plan a nice getaway for me. He told me all these crazy things about when she was over there and of course I checked with her and she told me a totally different story. I knew he was using when he did that so I didn't believe anything he told me. I know he wanted to give my sister a shot of meth and then have me come over and give me some and then his fantasy would be acted out. I can only describe it as delusional thinking that he would think my sister and I would do that. That whole event is how I caught him in his lies. The thing I told my sister was that I needed the truth from her because I knew my outlook was distorted by my feelings for him. He always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He pointed out every girl he thought was hot and made me feel like the ugliest thing to walk the earth. I was doing everything I could to be good enough for him. I thought if I was better than maybe he would stop using like he always promised he would. But nothing would ever be enough because he is the problem. I totally understand how it feels to be destroyed and I'm so sorry that you've been through this as well. Congratulations on your baby. And you are absolutely right that those children are the best of him! Take care.

replying to rubyblue

Addicts are very good at using our insecurities against us and using it to there advantage.

We are not the problem they are, I'm afraid when you are with an addict you take on all there issues, you become there saviour because you think you can bring them back from the darkness but with this you lose yourself.

You do things that you would never have done before you lie for them you protect them it doesnt matter what they do we forgive them.

It's a form of grooming it's taken me months to get my head around this, it's very hard to expect this but when you do things will get easier.

Listen you are not ugly addicts have a way of making us feel like that because they are on a path of destruction and what happens we go along for the ride, I've been living that life for 5 years 4 children, Rehab twice and still years on nothing has changed. Finally I see it for what it is, I have seen the light and I know now he is not the person I believed he was.i love him unconditionally and what for! Hes used me, all I feel now is hatred towards him especially when I look at my new born baby. Hes missed so much of there lives, i never had closure. But I will! I'm going to hit him where it hurts,

Unless they want to help themselves

nothing we change, as for the situation he got you is awful, you have to look at it this way you have had a lucky escape and you have no children together. It's very difficult because those scares will always be with you. It will get easier it's time and time is a healer. Dont ever put yourself down you need to find yourself again and talk. I speak to a therapist each week its helped so much especially because she was a drugs councillor she has put so much in perspective for me.im so grateful to her. Slowly I feel better, but I'm still so hurt the pain will go, 4 months ago I was a mess now I can look in the mirror and not see the person I disliked so much. Just time!

Thankyou so much yeah hes a little darling so good at night luckily. As I'm going back to work next week so I will need my sleep lol.

One other thing be knid to yourself. Xx

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