Hi, I'm new here and I'm looking for some advice or suggestions of how to cope with feelings and thoughts about alcohol in my life after I previously dated an alcoholic.
Sorry it's a long post.
My ex from years ago was an alcoholic and depressive, and two years after we broke up (but remained the best friends we always had been) he sadly died from suicide after a night out drinking (2017). (I f*cking missed his phonecall for help that fateful night, so I admit I live with huge guilt.)
My current partner (now fiance) I actually met when he was t-total, something that really appealed to me because it just simplifies things in my head regarding alcohol. But during the two years we have lived together he has started to introduce alcohol in to his life again, in a admittedly minor way. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I'm not overly comfortable. I told him that, and he said he wouldn't drink if it's really something that bothers me. But then I've said it's ok for him to have the odd drink if he fancies it. But he now tends to buy a box of 10 cans of beer (value for money is better apparently) and then drink them in one or more often two nights. Which isn't a lot, I know. But it makes me nervous. He doesn't have any aggression or misbehaviour but it still makes me nervous. We have three teenage kids in the house (his from a previous marriage) and the morning after drinking he usually sleeps-in and is very tired and slow. He sometimes regrets it and leaves it a while before repeating the drinking. This bothers me because he isn't usually slow or lethargic without alcohol, or not often anyway.
He occasionally fancies a beer or a cider or a wine and will buy something with the shopping, not often but maybe every couple of weeks now. It's usually to help him relax after a stressful week or stressful day.
And it's how it all makes me feel, that I'm struggling with. Tonight in the supermarket I said in a very controlling manner "you should only buy two beers, that's your limit, I say so" and then he laughed along with my bossy semi-jokey character, then decided he wanted a bottle of wine instead and I said "no please, you shouldn't, what happened to t-total life?" And he was mortified I said it aloud in a shop and might have caused a scene. He said it's not right to say stuff like that. He has since been in a mood with me all night. Says if it's such an issue I should never encourage him to buy alcohol or have a drink. But I don't! I said I don't recall ever doing that. I genuinely don't. But he thinks I do, I make suggestions he should have a wee drink.
I've said repeatedly that I'm not wholey comfortable with alcohol in the house, it brings back too many emotions and memories, but I know drink shouldn't be a problem because I trust him. He should be able to enjoy a drink. I shouldn't be watching and terrified of every can he has. But it's like alarms going off in my body that I can't control.
Is there anything I can do to help relax around alcohol? I'm ok with myself having a drink because I know I only ever have a single cider or alike, twice a year. I can easy go a year with none. It doesn't fuss me. But I also don't get any emotions, memories or bad feelings about alcohol when it's me drinking. But it's clearly a fear seeing a partner drink.
Like I said, he says he will go t-total for me why didn't I just say that. But I feel so controlling. Which makes me soooo unhappy I want to cry.
Help? Advice please
Edit: reflecting more on it. I realise I'm ok if he is having a drink withhhh me when I have my 'once or twice a year drink' ha! But when he drinks just himself which is most of the time, that's when I feel sooo strange and upset and anxious.