: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

3 replies

Boyfriend cheated on me with an escort under the influence of substance

Hello.

Not sure where to start from. After 18 months in a relationship; I find myself leaving him and it falls so hard on my heart. Prior to meeting him, I had no clue how a person under addiction looked like or behaved. I learned all his behaviors and understood using it when he lost his mom, but i never thought that he will be craving for it every 6 months to a year. I forgave him a few things done under the influence as i got to know him inside. I knew he needed help; he asked for it himself and i had faith. He started outpatient treatments and he is so charismatic and caring when not being under the substance influence; everyone loves him. I started having self esteem issues as he tempted to do sexting online when he would use it, and caught him and it was hard for me to trust him, but i did find the trust through belief and faith.

Well; treatments have been helping him and he was being as a person whom i fell in love with the first time i met him and felt connected to through his eyes / soul. He went on a trip ten days ago, and prior to the trip i got upset seeing my friend bringing weed into our home. My boyfriend cut even weed to almost none for almost 2 months. He used the situation against me as we had a huge argument before he left on the work trip out of state. I was under impression we talked it over during his long trip , but i found out that he used drugs on the 2nd day being in that city and went with one escort. I was so crushed. He tried to call me every day to explain that he had no sexual intimacy, but just a bj and i was disgusted to hear it. I found myself in shock. 2-3 days of trying not to talk to him and finally i chose to listen and it sounded that we were talking more normal and i almost wanted to look it over as i know it was the substance. That same day he stayed in a hotel and not calling as promised so i felt it that he was using drugs constantly and that he could have been with some woman/ call it woman intuition especially if one knows her man well like i do know him. At that moment it was my intuition / an assumption. Days were passing by with arguments back and forth and me not wanting to answer his phone calls. Finally i did today. We spoke calm way and even there was a smile on our faces. I noticed that he was on drugs again and i was harsh friendly and compassionate if that makes sense. He thanked me for being understanding and promised that he wont use it again and regretted as i told him that he can pick up his stuff when he returns as i will pack them organized. I even said that he could stay for a few days under the same roof until he finds another accommodation.

After having that talk; he kept on calling me and asking where i was; and it came another shock to be shared. That hotel night, my intuition did not lie; he admits to me that he had sex with another escort and that he had a blast and that he was under influence and that he thought that i dumped him because of the bj one and that i hated him. He wanted to share all this with me to get it off his chest as he felt guilty, but he does not say sorry at all; but he asked me to look at my heart for forgiveness; that he knows that i will leave him if he would cheat on me. He started explaining how it meant nothing to him, and how he wanted to be in control and how he regrets especially after i put it in stone to pick up his stuff after return. He started blaming me for things how h was not happy and a few hours prior to it he said how he was just sabotaging himself knowing that he wanted to spend his life with me, but thought that his substance addiction will never end although his treatment was going well.

I feel that i am still in shock like i experienced trauma. I started even looking for answers if it is considered cheating when doing it with an escort. I couldnt believe to myself reading it. I came across from your chat blog . Please help me to cope this and to shake me up if i should consider forgiving him?

Honestly i can not believe that i am considering it; but i know if there was no for substance he would not have done it; but i think he took the drugs in purpose in order to go with an escort.

Please share your opinion what i should do; if i should look for that forgiveness or i should just leave as i have started to pack?

Thank you 🙏🏻

replying to mshurt

Honestly I would pack and get gone

Save yourself and your sanity whilst you still can

Your intuition always tells the truth

Once trust is broken it’s gone

Add in addiction - just a Recipe for chaos and lifelong heartache and sorrow

Don’t look for answers you will never ever get the truth

The disappearing

The turning the phone off

Not telling you where they have been

Porn/ other women whilst they are high

It’s almost Text book

Your head is tangled up because of all the manipulation you need space to find yourself again

You are considering giving forgiveness for him treating you with no respect or loyalty - NO - for your own self that is not acceptable

My ex laughed when I asked him why he lied all the time and he said I’m an addict darling it’s what we do

Addicts tell you what you want to hear to enable them and keep you where they need you - manipulation

Much love to you because I know how you are feeling and it’s a bad place - torn in two - only you can decide but don’t let yourself be hurt or damaged any further

What I say may sound hard and unfeeling but it’s not; it comes from a Place of been there, suffered that, and I hate seeing it destroy so many lives again and again

It’s sent with hope that you will regain yourself in a way that is positive for you

As you say it’s s huge trauma that’s very damaging and it takes time and care to heal

One step at a time - in the right direction - away from the source of the pain

All storms pass and sometimes they come to clear the path for us x

replying to mshurt

Dear Esta,

I can not express enough of my gratitude. I am reading your response and like i would have written it to a third person; but it is so hard to write it to myself. I even allowed him to come closer to me by just talking on the phone as he is still on the work trip and i decided to try to regain trust as i know he will be on the street if i kick him out and he has things to finish.

I decided i am leaving by the end of the month and he will come back by then, but out of nowhere i got a job here and wanted just to run away sooo far away so i am not around; but i need a job. I am still praying for q job in a different state so i can just move far far away. I checked the phone bill again and noticed that sexting contiued although reduced since we have talked normal lately. I know i am looking for excuses and i see it all what you wrote and not sure why i look where he will live when he does not care how i feel.

I thought that this new job appeared as a sign to make it bette; but i am lieing to myself.

Thank you for your response. I know i will be making a big deal about the whole sexting thing and probably drive myself crazy when he returns and i can not trust him. I know i need to save myself no matter how much i love him. He does manipulate a lot and he will lie to their own therapists how he is clean; and i keep on keeping my mouth shut against my own beliefs.

I know i need to save myself and i know i am stronger than how i act now and write. Thank you for sharing with me your views and i loved reading your encouraging message.

Thank you. I hope to move on soon.

Mshurt

1 reply

replying to mshurt

Your reply is also a great comfort to me

Even though I am a little further down the line it still hurts when I think back - but I don’t dwell on it now

Hindsight is a great thing and once the Penny drops that their behaviour is the same in every relationship again and again and you have been manipulated to the brink of madness you can turn the corner

Keeping quiet because you know the truth but to say it out loud breaks the myth and let’s be honest you can cry & beg and you still won’t get the truth, that’s the worst thing not knowing what is true or just manufactured - tell you what you want to hear

An addict could lie to the pope and not bat an eyelid

To spend the rest of your life trying to work out if the love of your life is telling you yet another massive lie is too draining and we deserve at least a basic level of respect from the person who tells us - can’t live without you - but can lie and cheat on you with anyone in a heartbeat and blame it on coke??

There comes a point when it just becomes last weeks news and you move on

That’s a good point and I am wishing you every hope for the future

Life is short don’t waste anymore time treading water - get out and live and love every day free of anymore negative weight xxx

replying to Esta

Dear Esta,

you could probably understand me and give me some encouragement as it is really not enough that i am trying to talk to myself.

So; he was hanging up on me lately whenever i mentioned what he did to me and although he says he is sorry; and he never wanted to hurt me; but he says that he wont say something different what i would like to hear; and i said how i want to feel that he cares about me and he really feels sorrow. Instead; while being with his friend he says that he does care, but he wont show the sorrow as he felt living 18 months in misery with me since i tried to turn him into someone he thinks he is not although he asked me so many times to better his life and thanked me for the life we built. Now when i dumped him (as he says), he feels that i gave him life of misery by enabling things for him and not letting him to be in control. To mention that we spoke so many times about these things and were giving each other love and saying we shall work things out; but he knew what will hurt me and although he said he did it under influence and he would never do it with clear conceious ; i start to believe that he did it in purpose to prove me how he feels great without me controlling things and how he wants to feel the power. Guess who he always calls to talk to and discuss solutions ? - ME.

He has guts to say that i made his life miserable by actually standing and supporting him even in bad decisions but i had faith.

I am crushed. I wrote him an email about it how it hurts to hear that he calls our adventures life miserable in front of a few of his friends; but when he speaks to me he says that he was happy and that he is trying to point fingers into me to be that person who suggested him to go to treatements and patiently waited to build things together. His response to my email is that he does not know what to say but it is killing him to be without me; but then he says that he never said that he can not live without me and that he misses his independence to be alone; but when it comes to leave the house he asks me how can i ask him to leave when he has no place to go.

I just can not win and i am not trying. I am even saying to stay until he finds something as i really feel bad to leave him on the street although i know he will find his way - he is a survivor.

Any suggestion for me how i handle these comments of him telling people how i made his life miserable but when with me alone he says that he was very happy but upset that i dumped him and how he wanted to get out of this relationship a long time ago as he was not able to do things he wanted to do as an addict.

All these treatments….for nothing and he says he will go into recovery and puts all the blame on me how i behave crazy when he actually hangs up the phone and then i stopped answering his calls since i did not want to feel disrespected anymore. I am a communicator; but i became very stressed out not knowing how to respond to his manipulation as this is my first time and i only thought he wanted better life and he proved me with treatments and i was happy seeing that he started having things under his own control as i only wanted a partner and not to control anyone’s unpredictable behaviors. But it is all my fault.

Please advise. I really hurt and i know that we were happy until the point when he had to reduce it and stop and once the chance was out of my site and out of treatment - the bad decisions happened.

Thank you.

Mshurt

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