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A very sad story …

My daughter is 30. She had a brilliant career and got herself a bf who was a coke dealer. He used and abused her and she because me addicted to the drug.

She got herself sorted went back to work, met someone else and then got pregnant baby was due the summer of 2019.

At the end of the pregnancy she had a very rare disorder the hospital were neglectful and due to this he died and she nearly died.

Since then she has been on opiate based medicine which she is now addicted to, in the struggle to cope with the situation and being diagnosed with PTSD she started taking street benzodiazepines , drinking , , codiene , cocodamol and morphine all prescribed by the hospital and GP.

During this time I have given up work, tried everything possible to help her get stabilised.

The most recent intervention was a move from the home town in Yorkshire down to Devon as she begged to be removed from the area for a fresh start.

Having done this the situation remains unstable with her taking all the meds given by the Dr and bolstering it with alcohol and solvents.

Mental health services are involved but no help with this substance problem is being given.

She even hs a caseworker who is next to useless… everything is on my shoulders and this is a situation I can no longer control.

Aside from locking her up there is little I can do except withhold money.

Attempts to control and dispense her medication are futile.

I now realise no one can help her but herself and she needs to admit the problem and get help.

Has anyone been in this situation or similar ?? Can anyone give me any advice???

Her father was an alcoholic and drug addict who died aged 36, this I believe has bearing on her addictions.

replying to Lezconnecting

Hello Lezconnecting

I can relate to a lot of what you've written, and my heart goes out to you. You and your daughter have had an awful time and as you've said its all on you. The lack of support and qualified help in the UK is terrifying. My son who is 31 has an extremely young and inexperienced case worker, and at times my son is telling him about harm reduction and treatment options for opiates. I can also relate to the whole issue of relocating. My son is desperate to move from where I live and work, to get back to where he was and the friends he had before he started using heroin. I feel very conflicted about this, he is convinced that if we can just move there it will be easy to get clean, but whenever I play that one through my head I just can't see it - but then I worry that I'm not being supportive and that we may be missing a chance.

You have to get help for yourself, because on your own you will go to a very dark place, if you are trying to support your daughter alone. I found Addaction very good to talk to and have just started reading resources from the famanon website and might try and join one of their online groups. I wasn't sure from your message whether you are both living in Devon and if you have friends or family there.

The more I read and talk to people makes me realise that our children have to really really want to do this for themselves and have a complete change of heart. I'm not sure anything we do makes that much difference, we can just be there to help when they are ready. Addiction makes our children very self-absorbed and focused on their own lives. You have got to focus on your life and if you don't have friends and family supporting you, find a group even if its just online. This forum is really good. There is a thread that starts with 'Theresa' that has a group of mum's all going through something similar, coping with their grown-up children's addictions. You will be very welcome on that thread and will find a group of very supportive people.

I really hope that things improve for you and your daughter.

replying to Lezconnecting

Thankyou for your reply JEM.

I’m already in a very dark place and my own mental health is at rock bottom. I was a professional woman with my own home a husband and a good job and now I’ve spent nearly every penny.

I have some friends here and contacts but used the last of my mental and physical resources when I moved and now have not much left.

I see the Dr on Monday and have started looking for online support like this.

It’s hard to admit when you’ve been enabling someone else’s addiction and hard to stop doing it but that’s what I have to do otherwise I will go under too.

1 reply

replying to Lezconnecting

I'm so sorry for the pain you are in with your daughter. Its really hard when they have had good jobs and a career, we can make no sense of them throwing it all away.

You've done so much for your daughter but you have to prioritise yourself, because the addiction is much stronger than you are. We don't see it in our own lives, it's only when we read the stories of others that we see the reality of how big the battle is and how small we are when it comes to standing between our children and their addiction. I had the rule of no heroin in the house until late winter, and then when my son admitted he had relapsed but 'just needed time' - and it was lockdown ... I gave him time and here we are about 9 months on, with no sign of being able to stop again although he is doing better than he was.

Do you and your daughter live under the same roof? Its very hard when there is no relief or other people coming in.

If you feel able, please phone Addaction, they will listen and help you. If you have the strength. I would try and get out of the house even if its just to go for a walk or to sit in a local library and collect your thoughts.

I know it feels very dark at the moment, but you are still the same person that had a career and responsibilities. There is a life out there for you, please put yourself first.

replying to Lezconnecting

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that you are struggling to deal with your daughter and her problems, and that it is having such an impact on your mental health too. Please contact us at Icarus Trust if you would like someone to talk with who would understand what you are dealing with. We are a charity that offers support to people like yourself, who are dealing with addiction in their family. We have trained and experienced people we call Family Friends, who you could be put in touch with and maybe that would help you to find a way ahead.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website www.icarustrust.org

I hope this helps. Good luck.

2 replies

replying to JEM

Yes we are living under the same roof.

I try to get out and walk as much as I can and do things.

As she’s turned to aerosols now it’s so difficult to try and even have the smallest influence.

These are so easy to get hold of and I simply can’t stop her getting her hands on them or using them.

I’ve put her in touch with resolve but it’s made little difference.

Because she’s actually prescribed diazepam and codiene she hs a supply of it but takes it all in a short time and despite me trying to help by giving it to her etc etc it doesn’t work.

I will actually phone one of the support charities and see if they can help as except leaving her to it which is hard.

replying to Lezconnecting

It’s very hard trying to control their supply. At the moment my son lets me do that but I think it’s more to do with him wanting it to last until Universal Credit comes in and avoiding going into withdrawal.

I know it’s heartbreaking watching your daughter go through this, but I guess you never know when that moment will come when she really wants to stop.

She’s very lucky to have such a devoted Mum. I really hope things improve for both of you xxx

replying to Lezconnecting

LezC - Thinking about you and your daughter today and hoping things are calmer x

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