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Can you help me make sense of my situation? Is there any hope...Husband becomes agressive when drinking.....

I don't even know where to start. I married my husband earlier this year after dating and living together for 5 years. Throughout our time together, I witnessed how my husband became very aggressive after about 4-5 pints. The more pints...the more aggressive...

During the pandemic, there was an episode that sparked a year and a half of mostly sobriety with very light drinking....it was heaven. The man I loved was present the entire time. We got married. I thought the aggression and violence was behind us. We had worked through it....

Since we got married, he began drinking again and with that my fear of what he's capable of when he drinks also came back. I've set boundaries and luckily we have 2 homes, so that I can leave when I see him about to 'turn' and retreat to the safety of my flat.

The tipping point for me was this weekend...We were staying in a holiday home with 5 other friends. He had way too many and in private was trying to start a fight with me. I wouldn't engage. "Don't talk to me when you're like this." At one point I lost my patience and said, "You're such a dick when you drink." This through him into a rage. I know I shouldn't have said that for many, many reasons (It was disrespectful to any human). He put his hand on my shoulder and raised his fist. I left our room and was ready to awake my friends if I needed to.

I didn't bring this up to anyone as I didn't want to cause any drama and ruin others holiday. When we got home, I tried bringing it up when we were out, but became very upset and went home. He came home an hour later and announced that he was leaving me because he "couldn't be around anyone who brought that behaviour out of him". He left the keys to my flat.

I am so grateful to be safe knowing that he's not going to enter my apartment. But still so scared if he goes on a bender and comes out looking for me. He's never hit me, but....

I just needed to get this off my chest. My gut is telling me that his addiction has taken over and that I've lost the beautiful man I fell in love with. Some more detail...he's not working and we're living off my salary. Part of me wants to force his rock bottom and cut him off financially...

How can I still love this man, when he's done all these things...it's really messed up. I feel like the biggest loser in the world.... If I read this story or had a friend share this, I know what I say..."take care of yourself. Leave him."

Thanks for listening...I would welcome any words that you may have....I'm going to find a face to face meeting this weekend and have put my name on a waiting list for counselling.

One day at a time....

replying to Genki

Hi Genki,

How are you doing?

No man, should ever even raise a fist to a women. You can't blame yourself else it will kill you inside.

Sometimes people change and you will always be fighting to find the man he used to be. If this guy loved you as much as you do him he would knocked all of this on the head for the sake of the relationship.

In my opinion I would let him go and find happiness somewhere else before you start wasting more and more years trying to help and protect this man. Cut of all ties and if it is meant to be he will come back clean away from drink.

This is the thing about drink, it's cheap, it's legal and you can nip 5 minutes down the road to get some however it is the most lethal of all drug in my eyes. I was talking to a drug/alcohol worker a few days ago and she said ' out of all the people she deals with, the people addicted to drugs aren't to bad to deal with, but the worst are the alcoholics as they're so aggressive and violent'

replying to Genki

Thank you so much, Dodo....I needed to hear those words. I can't live like this anymore. Since I wrote, he showed up yesterday morning, just near the house while I was walking our dog. He was teary, suicidal, and on his way to the hospital. I should have let him go then...but I brought him back to the flat and called 111. We had mental health workers make a home visit and they're coming back today. I feel so manipulated and so mad at myself...

This is the first time he has made the steps to get help. The thing is, all energy I had gained while he was away for 3 days, was just lost. I'm back to being drained...

I know what I need to do...I'm going to go back home for 6 weeks and find my centre and strength again. The earliest I can leave is November 15th when all of my work projects finish.

Thank you so much for reading my post and for your honest words. They gave me so much strength....(even though as I write this I'm blubbering....)

All the best to you...if there's ever anything I can do to support and return the kindness...

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