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My story

Hi All

I just wanted to introduce myself and say hello to you all. I'm sad for all of us that we've found ourselves on here, but glad that I've found somewhere with others who understand how things are. I live with my partner, father of my 5 year old. He's an alcoholic, 1+ litre bottles of whisky a day. Unemployed now (left weeks ago due to workplace bullying, exasperated by his drinking). Now spends all day in bed, drinking, shouting, often ranting incoherently and generally making family life very grim. He stinks as seldom washes now. Vomits often. I work awful hours, am the only bill-payer, prime carer for our 5 year old, do all the housework and DIY. Most of the time I hate him. I am civil to him but I'm finding that harder. We can no longer have visitors because of his behaviour. I'm aware I should be 'supportive', but it's so hard to love and support someone who disgusts you and has brought such misery and hardship to your door.

Our son doesn't want to spend time with him, but his dad just starts shouting and ranting if he doesn't, which leads to a great deal of upset. Thought we had a bit of a breakthrough today when he eventually managed to slur about his problems to the GP. He's been asked to go to hospital for tests before (again today) , but won't because is worried what they'll come back with (should think the news will be terrible). He hasn't phoned the addiction centre for support. Nightimes are lurching in to my room (I sleep with our 5 year old) with the DTS, incoherent and desperate for alcohol. I'm an enabler I guess, chosing to keep a small bottle of the stuff to get him to go away, prevent having to leave our son with him whilst I go out for booze, and to prevent him having a severe medical episode in front of us. He has no family, anywhere he can go, or anyone else to help him.do I feel totally and utterly trapped in an endless nightmare that I can't see a way out of until he dies. Some days I wish he would just die quickly, just so we can start to recover from him. Then I hate myself for thinking that. So many emotions, and none of them are good. Sending a virtual hug and hi to you all out there with your own problems, and thanks for listening 😊

replying to Anyfuture

Any future - I’m really sorry to read your story, it’s heartbreaking. No one should have to go through these things. I’m sure that your husband is a good person underneath the addiction but you have a child and yourself to think about. Do you have family or friends that understand your situation and who will help you? I completely get how hard this is, but unless he’s totally serious about kicking booze you need to think about getting out - and I know that in itself is not easy. But you do not want this to be you and your child’s life. I was brought up by a functioning alcoholic and now have a son addicted to heroin. I am so glad that he doesn’t have a child because it’s a whole different level of things to worry about. Please keep coming to the forum but prioritise your child and yourself.

replying to Anyfuture

JEM, thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. I don't really have anyone who can help. My parents are elderly and not in the best of health, no sibblings, and friends not aware of what's going on. The house is in my name only and I pay all the bills. My parents have offered to lend me the money to get legal advice to see if he's entitled to anything. We're not married, but I need to be clear, as I've asked him to leave before and he told me he'd only go if I paid him. He quite literally has nothing as he earned a lot less than me and his money mainly went on booze. He then begs me to stick with him as he has no one and no where to go. It's heartbreaking. Therin lies the dilemma, I feel responsible for putting him on the streets to be abused/to die, or our little boy has to continue with it. I did wonder about contacting adult social services, to see if they could offer any advice on any help for him after I ask him to leave the family home? Although he isn't well enough or coherent, so would have no ability to sort anything out himself. Otherwise I'm back to hoping he contacts the addiction centre, and he says I'm now pushing him too hard and quickly and he can't cope. I think I'm going to have to stay strong and find a way to get him out of the house. If anyone has any experience of any organisations that can help with re-homing addicts after no longer suitable for them to stay in previous home I'll appreciate it. I'm away of how terrible that sounds, but no way to sugar coat 🙁 I'm so sorry to hear about your son, I can't imagine the worry and what you're going through. You're absolutely right, I know I need to find a way and fast to prevent my little boy being damaged (further) by it.

replying to Anyfuture

This morning I rang 111 after he had a fall (in his room, he doesn't know what's going on half the time). They wanted him to attend A&E within the hour. Was OK after fall, because he's ranting, vomiting, got the DTS. He refused, got really angry with me. I threw 35cl bottle of whisky in his room, packed a bag and myself and son staying somewhere else overnight. He can't get out for booze, big risk he'll be in serious trouble. Does this make me evil? I can't bear the thought of being near him anymore, but will be my fault if something bad happens? Am I negligent? I don't know how I should feel about this 😔 Have to go back tomorrow (plus it's my house!!)

replying to Anyfuture

Your situation is awful and I guess he’s in danger if he comes straight off the booze. From my experience, addiction services do very little for family members, I struggle to get them to engage. I would be inclined to do this but I am only guessing at what will work:

Phone the out of hours doctors service and explain your partner is alone in the house and is at risk if he stops drinking abruptly. Tell them you are prioritising your child’s welfare and have had to get out.

Phone local social services and tell them the situation and that you can no longer cope at home with your husband and again make sure they understand you are doing all of the right things to keep your child safe. This is your little one’s home and they deserve not to have to share it with a chronic alcoholic.

I know this is entirely different but when my mum was ill last Xmas and I was splitting my time between her (very demanding) and my son (withdrawing and awful to live with) they put a care package in for my mum within days when I told them what I was trying to deal with.

I’ve also known other people like your husband being put straight into rehab. But I think they have to keep drinking at a certain level until they are taken in.

None of this is your fault, and I’m sure if he was in his none addled and addicted brain he would want you to look after your child. This is too big and you need a lot of professional help. Please don’t try and sort this out on your own.

I would also call Drugfam, who have a really good helpline and will be able to support you with this.

replying to Anyfuture

Sorry, I would also go and see a solicitor and get a free initial consultation to find out what your rights are and how to proceed in the longer term.

I really hope that you’re able to get help and support with this.

Im thinking of you xxx

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replying to Anyfuture

JEM, thank you! I hadn't thought of these options, and they've given me other avenues to explore. He doesn't know what day it is, can't stand up anymore. He thinks I'm taking him to get some blood tests tomorrow, and then he waits to see what the doc says (three weeks on Thursday?), denies he said he'd contact Forward Leeds. I've refused to take him for his blood tests, which means he won't leave the house or will collapse on the drive/get run over. I would manhandle him in to a car and wheel him in the hospital, ranting and stinking as he is, only if he will ring the rehab centre as asked by the GP and as he said he would. Would appear nothing can be done unless he agrees, which is a problem the more delirious and incapable he becomes. And he's an alcoholic, they don't do sensible, rational, honest etc. Having a camp out in the conservatory tonight with my son, the whole of upstairs stinks now and can't face another night of ranting. My son said today he wants daddy to die because he's horrible! Dear god, what a state. I also told him (well, shouted at him because I can't bear it anymore), that I'll be ringing his brother and all his friends to ask someone to come and get him and deposit him at his brothers. His brother is a coke addict, that will be interesting, but at least whatever is left of the man I once knew won't be here purifying any more. I very much doubt anyone will come and help out, who wants that horror in their life? I'll ring Drugfam, GP & Social Services tomorrow to see if anyone can come up with anything helpful. To be honest I think he needs sectioning for his own safety, but the bile I received when I offered this as solution to his inaction was frightening. I'll be letting him know what's going on, so he still has the choice of ringing the rehab centre for help/hospitalisation or he can be ejected from the house by whatever means I can find, because I will not force my son to watch daddy rot & die before him. We slept over at my parents' last night for a break. I spent all evening worrying about him, back home early doors to check he was still alive. Tomorrow I'm back at work, trying to manage a busy department and staff, whilst navigating this rubbish and rest of home life. Think I'm going/gone mad most of the time these days. Is your mum better now? What an awfully hard situation trying to juggle their care needs, I can't imagine how torn and exhausted you must've been. I'm so glad that social services helped with your mum. How is your son now? A hug to you, sounds like you have so much on your plate too, I really do appreciate your care and advice. Both are invaluable 😊 xx

replying to Anyfuture

Your situation sounds really hard but stay resolute, you will get through this. Drugfam have been great for me, they are manned by volunteers that have been through this or are qualified addiction counsellors.

My mum is doing better now, thanks, my son is also turning a corner. I remember last Christmas being at my mum’s 60 miles away and she had fallen so I was trying to get her back up and my son was shouting at me down the phone that my partner was rationing codeine tablets which was an affront on his rights. I just wanted to cry. Like you I also looked at getting him sectioned, because he was a real risk to himself, but I was told that these days he’d have to be running around with a weapon before they’d think about that. I think where you will get better traction is that there is a child involved. That’s going to be taken seriously and also because coming off an alcohol problem as bad as your partner’s has to be done under medical supervision. You do need to be firm that right now he cannot live with you. Hopefully he will get the help he needs.

Holding it together at work is really hard, most of the people I work with know there is a problem with my son and are pretty good when things are bad. I run a company and there are days when I just want to get a more low level job that I don’t have to worry about so much, but at the same time I know at some point I’m probably going to have to pay for rehab and that is really expensive.

I have thought about you a lot since you posted. I really hope you get the help you need with this.

replying to Anyfuture

Hi JRM, thanks again for your words of wisdom and support. They've really resonated and helped me with plan forming. Yesterday was a fiasco. GP was coming for a home visit, then chnaged their mind and asked me to take him to the surgery. He soiled himself trying to get out of bed (repeated occurance, now have 2 carpets that need replacing and a mattress). Not well enough to get there. GP then offered to see me at the survery, so I went for a brain pick/cry. They said there is nothing they can do unless he wants help, said they'd provide whatever support I need. So we were no further forward. I've moved with my son to my mum & dads until something is sorted. The house stinks (now of bleach as took me 4 hours to get the worst out of the carpets), everywhere is wet or soiled. 5 loads of washing today, towels stacked, floors covered, made my partner put some tena pants on, because I

1 reply

replying to Anyfuture

I'm not going through that each day and running out of soft furnishings. Today insisted the GP comes out, or I would leave him in A&E unless someone medically qualified saw him. GP came, examined him (enlarged liver, various other problems I can't remember name of). He's taken bloods and will get the results tomorrow. Detox unit is 1-2 weeks' wait and there's no way he can last that long. GP said if blood tests came back bad (and he has warned him they will), then will need admitting as an emergency. GP was very firm with him and told him he's very poorly, the most poorly person he's seen in a long time, and the options were either I find him dead one day or he accepts help. He also made it clear to him the toll it was taking on my health, and that the situation couldn't go on. I could have hugged him!! We had a bit of resistance, but I told him I would leave him in A&E if he doesn't do as the GP tells him. So I have everything crossed, but will not be surprised if we have a mind change again. My little boy is staying at Grandma and Grandad's tonight. I miss him so much, we've never been apart since he was born 😔 Bit more worried about daddy needing 999 if I leave him. Will do my best for him until he's in a medical environment and off my shift as it were. Broke the news to his friends and brother (next of kin) today. A lot of sadness and partner didn't want anyone to know, but I've told him family need to know now and they want to help where they can. Work have been very kind and told me to just let them know when I feel like doing any. They may over-work their staff, but I'm so relieved they're understanding and sympathetic to the situation. Having a hot chocolate now and giving serious consideration to trying to get some sleep before the nighttime fun begins. Calm before the storm. Hope you're doing OK x

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