: Bereavement

Get support following a drug or alcohol related death

5 replies

Anyone out there?

I don't know if there are any active members on here. It's a shame, I'm struggling to find support anywhere, does anyone else find this?

I am 31, my father has been an alcoholic all my life, my mother's drink problem began when I was around 9 years old and got gradually worse. My parents were separated when I was around 3 years old, I always lived with my mother and as I got older and the drinking became worse so I felt I had to stay with her until the age I am now due to being so fearful of her not being able to look after herself, falling over, or doing something stupid like setting the place on fire when trying to cook. and leaving the front door open (happened often).

I recently nearly lost my dad because of the alcohol and he was in a coma for a few weeks, I visited every day and as he deteriorated quickly the hospital called me in the middle of the night to go and say my goodbyes to him because they didn't think he would last the night. Anyway,somehow, he miraculously recovered in the week after that and went home. I went to stay with him and cared for him (he lived down the road from me and my mother's home).

My routine was..I would wake up, sort my father's breakfast out and make lunch ready for him, go to work, then after work, go to my mother's to cook dinner, then back to my dad's to do him and me a dinner again. My mother then suddenly became severely depressed about me leaving and refused to eat but would continue to drink. I went to see my mother after work one evening and she was in a lot of pain and unable to move. I called an ambulance and that was the last time I ever had her home. She passed away from acute pancreatitis and multiple organ failure due to the alcohol.

I am struggling so so bad to come to terms with the loss and the absolute guilt. I'm now in mother's home again but it is empty without her (I am being kicked out soon enough anyway but still..). I'm just so heartbroken. She lived such a sad life. I still care for my father, but even for him, I thought perhaps after him nearly losing his life and knowing alcohol killed my mother he would stop but he continues to drink and smoke heavily. I've spent all my life dedicating time and care into my parents, I've never had a life of my own but even with the chance I would just be riddled with grief, hurt and guilt. I mean this is a very brief outline of the story, I could have gone on and on. Writing is kinda therapeutic in a way

replying to Maria20

You are such a good person and have loved and supported the people that should have done that for you throughout your childhood and as a young adult. Losing your mum must have left a massive gap in your life and you will feel completely destabilised, but try and start to think about you and what you want from life. You are still so young and can completely turn things around. Please don’t let your dad grow into the space your mum has left behind. Think about going to your gp, tell them what you have been through and ask for some counselling. I hope you have other friends and family that can help you to find a way forward. Keep posting on this site, it’s very friendly and supportive.

You sound lovely and you deserve to be happy x

replying to Maria20

Maria20, Hi, I'm sorry to read what you have been through. You've probably been told this before but I will say again, you have NOTHING to feel guilty for. I agree with JEM that some counselling/therapy would help so you can work through some issues and look forward to building the life for yourself you deserve. You have gone above and beyond for both your parents who, I'm sorry to say, failed you and have been extremely selfish. That said, alcoholism is not a choice but sadly some people can't be helped because they can't find the strength to help themselves. I hope you manage to find a new path for yourself that is fulfilling. Be kind to yourself, you have done so much for others you deserve now to put yourself first and find some happiness.

replying to Maria20

Hi Maria,

I came across your post last night.

We are in very similar situations unfortunately for both us us.

You have no reason to feel guilty!

I also have no reason to feel the guilt I do but…neither of us can help it, it eats and eats away at us for even the smallest things.

I know that I’ve done my very best but no matter how well I’ve done I feel bad for everything.

I lost my dad 11 years a go now to alcohol, 1 brother also 11 years a go to “accidental overdose” inquest said inconclusive…

Then 1 brother 4 years a go now to a heroine overdose.

I picked up all the pieces, saw things nobody should see and then I was left with my mom, who has a muscle disorder and now a heart condition after a massive heart attack 2 years a go.

She’s in constant pain and she’s negative and depressed and lives solely in the past.

I understand why she’s unhappy but she now has put me in a massive depression too,so so so many years of negatively forced into my head. she lives in the flat below me and I can never get away from her moods, she controls me and my life with guilt and makes me feel bad and selfish on a daily basis.

I’ve done my best for her and I did my best for all my family whilst they were here but…through taking care of my mom and not being able to run my own life I have been left at the age of 34-35 on Monday with no relationship (that ended after 16 years) because I couldn’t live how I needed to to keep it, no children and barely any friends now.

I tell her when I have plans and she then On the day chucks something out there that will stop me having a few hours to myself.

Like you say…you could keep going and there are so many things that people won’t understand and so so many years of it that only you know about.

I personally have realised lately that in fact I have lost my own identity completely and I have no idea how to get it back.

I used to be happy, funny and do lots of things but now I have no energy for anything and absolutely no enthusiasm for life and it’s slowly killing me, I’m on antidepressants but I no longer find them helpful.

I feel numb, lost and alone.

Life’s short as we know but these people for some reason want to keep this hold on us and I get called selfish but there is absolutely nothing selfish about either of us!!

We have given up our own happiness and sacralised our own lives for other people and they don’t care what they are doing to us, I think I know who the selfish ones are? We need some strength to take charge of our own existences but…I have no idea where to get it from anymore???

replying to Maria20

I haven’t lost my daughter … yet.

Her problems started at 23 when she had a very successful career but met a drug dealer who moved in with her and got her onto cocaine. She also developed a codeine addiction.

She managed to seek help and get off them and met someone new. She got pregnant and due to the neglect of the NHS my grandson died at full term. She was also really sick and nearly died.

Since then and 3 years later she has spiralled out of control on just about anything she can lay her hands on. Alcohol, opiates prescribed by the NHS, solvent abuse, diazepam, morphine, sometimes cocaine when she can get it.

We even moved 200 miles in order to get away from drug dealers etc.

She has a court case against the nhs and refuses to seek help in case it goes on her record and she gets blamed for what I don’t know.

She’s nearly died of a cocodamol overdose.

Mental health services are shit and counselling or therapy has to be paid for.

We both had to give up our careers and go on benefits.

Life is very very cruel and we are stuck here with the fall out every day. I’m torn between anger and fear and not knowing what to do on a daily basis. Especially as her circumstances are so sad. However in this situation one ends up being an enabler.

All we can do for each other is share our stories and to know that there’s someone else there in the same hellish position gives a small amount of comfort.

replying to Maria20

Soo sad . I have come back on the forum after a year .

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