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I’ll never understand.

Hi all coming on here to vent and any answers would be really helpful to get my head around it all. I can understand most things about addiction the physical mental symptoms as such. But what I can’t get my head around is how can they choose that over their children? My kids are 7, 3 & 9 months two boys & a girl, they are my life. Their father has a cocaine addiction and had fortnightly contact started august last year & was paying for them and out of the blue since a relapse before Christmas he’s now ignoring my messages about paying for them and seeing them 2 weeks now it’s gone on and it seems he has cut them off now which is unimaginable to me I can’t get over the anger and guilt I feel for bringing them into this mess we had them before he’s addiction really escalated and took hold. He’s mum is ignoring me too she’s not been helpful she gets annoyed if I speak to her about it as he lives with her so that’s why I ask her to chat with him or ask why he’s ignoring me. I’ve come to realise now he’s too far gone and my hope is fading pretty fast. Why do they choose to continue to hurt themselves he would have an amazing life with us we did have an amazing life I just won’t ever get it! But will learn to accept and move on I suppose. Feel free to vent underneath or try help me wrap my head around it. Much love to you all having a addict in the family is a living nightmare..

replying to Redfox20

Hi Redfox,

So sorry to read your post it sounds like you are having a really tough time with your children's dad's addiction. If you would like some help please contact us at Icarus Trust as we are a charity that supports people dealing with addiction in their family. One of our trained and experienced Family Friends would talk with you which might help you make sense of things.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

1 reply

replying to Redfox20

hi red fox

i saw your post and although i know you haven't put it up for sympathy, i still wanted to let you know that i can completely sympathise with your dire situation. how utterly heartbreaking and lonely for you.

i also wanted to send you a big hug x

i totally identify with the feelings of guilt too,. it's not our fault but we still feel so responsible for how these addicts affect our children's lives. it's a cruel, cruel disease. we're the ones left to deal with the outfall and we're hurting too.

in terms of why they can turn their backs like this... who can ever really understand it other than to know that this drug affects their brains and pushes all other love out of their hearts. it's not them any more, just a shell. why anyone would want to go down that road is the million dollar question. but not many addicts set out to become addicted. they slip into it. and once it's in, it disrupts their normal thinking completely. what a tragedy to throw away your own life in such a way.

my husband is almost 11 months clean and when he was in active addiction i had no idea he was using drugs, just that somehow the man i loved since 2003 had become heartless and cold and cruel. he was using for just under 2.5 years before it caught up with him, but he wanted out. still though he didn't do jack **** to get out. he was paralysed in the horrible circle of using. thank god he got caught and the ca threw him a lifeline! he still can't really explain it all though and feels huge guilt and shame.

i hope you have a good support circle at home. i have 4 kids too and it's hard enough without contending with all this emotional hardship.


1 reply

replying to FaithNotFear

Hi Faith, thank you so much for your reply this is exactly why i come on here because im not alone, but i do feel incredibly lonely as we were together 10 years known him since I was 14 im 30 now. It’s like a death but he’s still living which is a feeling you know all too well. It’s devastating what I have struggled with most is accepting it & having no control. I’ve had to learn not to be codependent and I’ve detached myself, as much as I want to put my arms around him and hug him right now I can’t we couldn’t be further apart which is heartbreaking.. I will never understand it but will continue to educate myself & keep to my boundaries and hope he gets help for himself and the kids sake. Stories like your husbands gives me so much hope as their aren’t too many like that on here it’s all so upsetting but we’re all in it together and this is our safe place. Can I ask how they threw your husband a lifeline how did he come to get in touch with them because he wanted the help or otherwise? My ex did do a CA zoom but said it was all religious I did tell him to persevere but it put him right off. Shame is the main thing that feeds addiction it’s a vicious cycle that’s for sure. Thanks for the virtual hug 😊 I have my mum who is brilliant but she’s sick of hearing about it and shuts down when I talk about him which is hard but I don’t blame her she’s sick of hearing about it so would i! I’m holding up okay my kids have really saved me this past year having a daughter after 3 boys was such a blessing she came when I needed her the most, even that he’s missed out so much of her life already & she was so wanted by us both and we dreamed about her for a long time, it’s just devastating.. xxx

replying to Redfox20

Aw it's very sad that he has missed out, but it's good that you have your daughter to focus on. My oldest two kids had a pair of completely dysfunctional fathers and i have to say that my main view as far as that is concerned is that it was their loss, not ours. I experienced every bit of the joy and pride. My two have grown into fine young adults and are largely unscathed by the paternal abandonment. It's how we deal with it that keeps them healthy. I can also report that both of them have intermittent contact with their fathers, and are able to see them for their flaws and deal with it mentally.

My situation with my husband was that following a stressful couple of years his behaviour suddenly began to deteriorate. He had always had a bit of a temper but was never heartless. The main stressor was him going into partnership of his company in 2016. His workload was immense and random and potentially 7 days a week. It was awful and obviously affected his mental health.

We also moved house which he couldn't really cope with - despite me doing 99% of the work.

I know this is controversial but we've always been involved in the underground music scene and have used party drugs together. While away from the family home etc. Never around the kids and always together.

One weekend away back on 2018 a few months after moving house we finally got away to a festival. He brought some coke. We got called back early because he had to work and pocketed the drugs. That's how it started! Sneaking a little bit here and there behind my back. His behaviour went off the scale and his drinking was insane. I assumed it was stress of work turning him to drink. It never even crossed my mind that he was using cocaine. I jumped through absolute hoops trying to ease the stress and be a supportive wife. Durrr!

Over lockdown he terrorised me to the point where i wanted to die. He didn't care. On some occasions i did wonder if he was on something because his behaviour was so utterly crazy- he denied it!

Somehow we made it through 2020 and it calmed down slightly, though he still was unbelievably volatile.

The shock came that his partner caught him buying the drugs and one saturday last February it all fell in on us all. Obviously i didn't expect he would do as well as he has - ive read stories.

Basically i think he was on the tipping point where much further he might not have got back.

So... his partner wanted to kill him and close the business. I begged him to give my husband a single chance. My husband expected me to help him.. some cheek huh? but i said No! I'm for the kids and you sort this or we're off.

He was coming out with oh... I'll shut the business and we'll sell the house and start afresh with a flat!! I told him that nope... if we have to leave the family home and turn the kids upside down i will be going it alone from that point.

I rang the ca that morning basically in shock and despair, and they called him back and then his soon to be sponsor started ringing him a few times a day.

He started online meetings that weekend and had his first face to face the tuesday. They do feel a bit like a religious cult but addicts need that. He did his 12 steps and has changed his life completely.

He wanted out but the drugs were blinding him to everything but more drugs. He took the lifeline with both hands.

i hope he never lets go.

i think the shock of being caught and seeing everything he loves hanging over the precipice cut through the drug haze.

maybe your husband will lose that veil long enough for you to break in xxx

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